Bostontraitor
Son
I think the best REAL rejection is: No thanks. Simple, direct, no hidden meaning.
Rejection Sensitivity
- Thread starter Offbeat
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Bostontraitor
Son
I tell you what, I’ll dance with someone’s daughter all day, but I steer clear of girlfriends and wives. I don’t need some dude staring me down from across the floor.
I know you meant in total and not in one night. Hard for me to believe someone doesn't know you've asked them 5 times and they made the conscious effort to say no each time, but I could be wrong. Great that you are persistent.
1derpalm
Son Montuno
Yeah. Sont get me wrong. I' do get asked a lot. I am from a small city, and I am am fairly popular (I hate to use the word) in a few towns in a 400 km radius. But they are still small scenes.
Even in havana I get asked a fair amount (except the swedes)..
But toronto or at congresses.. nope. Well. Not top dancers. I have had ah!t experiences with dj both dancers, both dancing and non dancing. That's why I harbor such (justified) vitriol. And it is almost exclusively that subset that i get attitude from.
Actually can't even remember how many times the guy came up and asked, hey come dance with my girl/wife... Most were basic, though few were very good. Regardless they all came away smiling so no mad stares. And I came away with boosted ego. So win win
Hmm possibly rough, off time, or otherwise unpleasant lead?
Smiling off the dance floor just means she is pleasant/friendly/recognizes you. Does not imply a desire to dance.
I would stop asking her. But you might want to ask for some honest feedback from a follower you trust.
Why so many London people travel abroad only to dance with exactly the same group of average dancers (who think they're distinctly not average..) as they do back home is beyond me.Actually that doesn’t affect me. I will ask that person during the course of the social and they have almost said yes.
I am pretty secure in my dancing and always was.
What might give me anxiety is when I want to dance with someone but I sense:
- this it is not a right time to ask now
- see them dancing with only certain people
- getting asked a lot
- has said no before
Now there are some who check off all of the last three and I will still ask them.
It is about picking up non-verbal clues. Some examples of “not right time to ask now”:
- clear clue that they are waiting or chasing a particular lead or celebrity
- finished a dance where leader put them through a wringer
- going to the back to the room for water
- engrossed in chatting with another person.
Example of dancing with only certain people
- London followers dancing with London leaders at festivals (doesn’t give anxiety but couldn’t resist this one)
- younger followers dancing with younger leads (rare in salsa, more in tango)
- dancing only with their team mates or surrounded by teammates all the time if not dancing
- dancing continously with same person or two.
There's a certain clique of these dancers. By no means all London dancers, many of whome are great, but a certain subset who I avoid like the plague
That’s a mystery. If you go back to posts pre-Covid, you will find me and others writing about this.
There were some really good London followers I used to dance with. They didn’t belong this clique.
You mean a 100% don't have to ask rate?
I think I documented my time at Back2Mambo where I didn't have to ask a single person for a dance.
So yes it can happen to even nobodies like me.
It helps when you enter the venue with a superstar arm in arm.
To sustain it however is another story and requires constant upkeep and maintaining social visibility. I dislike doing that as I'm extremely private and prefer to keep it that way.
But yes, not having to ask anyone is a luxury especially for a leader and I'm happy I had that experience once but it was a perfect storm that will never happen again.
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Best prove of the preselection dating theory I heard of.
Obviously, if a guy gets a lot of atttention from different girl followers, then chances of other girls taking notice also increases.
But there are a lot of 'inner' factors at play that work simultaneously:
Coming to a party knowing a lot of people already. If you reach out to people beforehand and tell them you're coming to the party, you are pre-priming yourself to be sought after when you arrive. I used to do this when I was more active in the scene. If you call 30 people, then you will never have a shortage of dance partners. This is basically a shortcut to never having to ask for a dance.
The referral system also gets compounded with the more people you know. You can get quite a lot of people asking you who don't even know you because of this. So the more friends you bring, the higher the chances of being referred to other strangers. This works everywhere, even at festivals.
Dancing in a visible area like at the front of the stage. This can definitely snowball to the point where you are constantly being asked to dance. If you dance with someone who is famous but also someone who makes you look good, it does a lot to improve your chances of being asked than if you just danced with someone famous but who doesn't give a crap about you. This could be seen as a pity dance to outsiders, which decreases your value. You want to be seen as an equal to the person you're dancing with.
Or you could just get famous and bypass all of the above.
Haha salsa example of throning
And I was busy posting in salsa anonymous section while the discussion is on here!!
What’s preselection dating theory?
I must be terrible then! After famous dance with me, they stop getting asked and chased
Bribe Steve? You texted 30 people beforehand "Hey, I'm coming to that party"?
Man, too much hassle.The thing is: I don't want masses of followers to ask me for a dance, because they usually ask always upwards, and too many of these dances are not fun. I prefer to ask myself so I can choose. That said, I encourage each woman to ask - knowing the majority won't do it anyway, only a few brave ones do it.