TurqoiseHexagon
Changui
This happens more than people would like to admit
Rejection Sensitivity
- Thread starter Offbeat
- Start date
Rejections aren’t to be encouraged, I agree. I usually find girls who don’t show interest at the start (even when they say yes) don’t show interest in the dance.
2) I would dispute. Girls often say yes to guys that they don’t really want to dance with.
3) I would again disagree. At small parties when everyone has grabbed someone and there is one girl left if she says no then you miss a dance. Of course, at larger parties this doesn’t happen so much.
When was last time you got a “pity” dance ? I can’t remember. In my beginner days I never put myself in a position to get pity dance.
Perhaps our filters of asking are different. If I sense 50:50 chance of getting a no, I will not ask. Tell tale signs are drinking water, busy dancing with certain dancers, and too many others to list. It is really been contextually aware of the floor dynamics in play.
What to you is lack of interest at the start?
How do you detect that or how does a guy detect that? Guys to whom that happens are mostly unaware of it. I know a couple of such guys.
I was not talking about small parties.
So you meant it happens a lot that someone says unwillingly yes and then dances without any interest?
I know when girls might reluctantly accept to dance but that doesn’t translate into a lousy dance. Like purposefully absent in the dance because they reluctantly said yes.
Usually when people know each other and don’t want to create off floor unsocial tension? Like a high status guy (organizer, dj, a local top dog) asking or a friend asking?
Wow this whole thread is funny, fit for SNL laughs... This is where less is truly more, less thinking, more next. Such slippery slope, can easily ruin the whole outing. Every lead should think like a baseball pitcher: I missed, he homerun, shout it out, next pitch. And just like even the best pitcher ever gave up many homeruns, best star leads went through many rejections too. I'm the norm not the exception.
Personally I've no problem admitting my worst record was 4 maybe 5 straight no's to start the night. Just got in, like the song, asked nearest follow, no and walk and no and walk and... Then spotted another, just got up after putting on her shoes, and boy among my best first dances ever. And whole night was like one height after another. The initial no's no more than a footnote.
So follow the motto of (Nike?): Don't think, just do!
Personally I've no problem admitting my worst record was 4 maybe 5 straight no's to start the night. Just got in, like the song, asked nearest follow, no and walk and no and walk and... Then spotted another, just got up after putting on her shoes, and boy among my best first dances ever. And whole night was like one height after another. The initial no's no more than a footnote.
So follow the motto of (Nike?): Don't think, just do!
If you ask any follower, they will probably have stories of saying yes to bad dancers (I won't get into the reasons, but they are numerous) . What I'm saying is that saying yes to someone you know isn't going to give you a good dance is akin to unwillingly accepting a dance. You'd rather not yes say, but you do it because of xyz reason.
I know that. As I stated most of those dancers/leaders aren’t aware that it is a pity dance.
yesterday I found out that there is even a disease name for this https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24099-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-rsd and drugs help for many people.
Good find! Plenty of information in the link. From the article:
Though RSD isn’t an officially recognized symptom or diagnosis, it’s still a term that experts use in connection with recognized conditions
It is related to rejection sensitivity and all the drugs used to treat are off-label because it is not an officially recognized got diagnosis purposes.
We have heard isolated incidences some people getting angry or lashing out after a rejection at social dance. May be they suffer from a degree of RS or RSD?
It says RSD shows up in people with ADHD. I thought it would show up in people who are HSP (hyper sensitive persons).
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May be there is a more benign and milder form of RS which manifests as Rejection Anxiety.
Sometimes I do have a mild anxiety of anticipating a rejection. That has been constant since I started dancing. It didn’t impact my dancing and from beginner days I had no problem asking most people. I also avoided asking certain people - a tiny number which included followers who were a lot more advance than me back then. I wonder if all this is normal.
Sometimes I do have a mild anxiety of anticipating a rejection. That has been constant since I started dancing. It didn’t impact my dancing and from beginner days I had no problem asking most people. I also avoided asking certain people - a tiny number which included followers who were a lot more advance than me back then. I wonder if all this is normal.
How's your tolerance towards people who reject your friends?
Sometimes when I hear about a good dancer who rejects my friend (who isn't bad, just not high level), I develop some anxiety to ask this person because I know they have higher standards.
I think it's normal, if you just arrive to new environment, etc. But if fear of rejection is permanent part of your dance life, then it's not very adaptive and is causing you unneeded problems. Social skills are as important in salsa as dance skills and looking good skills.
Actually that doesn’t affect me. I will ask that person during the course of the social and they have almost said yes.
I am pretty secure in my dancing and always was.
What might give me anxiety is when I want to dance with someone but I sense:
- this it is not a right time to ask now
- see them dancing with only certain people
- getting asked a lot
- has said no before
Now there are some who check off all of the last three and I will still ask them.
It is about picking up non-verbal clues. Some examples of “not right time to ask now”:
- clear clue that they are waiting or chasing a particular lead or celebrity
- finished a dance where leader put them through a wringer
- going to the back to the room for water
- engrossed in chatting with another person.
Example of dancing with only certain people
- London followers dancing with London leaders at festivals (doesn’t give anxiety but couldn’t resist this one
) - younger followers dancing with younger leads (rare in salsa, more in tango)
- dancing only with their team mates or surrounded by teammates all the time if not dancing
- dancing continously with same person or two.
Isn't this basically a sign of a not so great dancer? Unable to dance of out the bubble where everyone knows everyone's style. I'm not criticizing, I've done this too - purely out of necessity, rather than deliberate choice. Same for my mates I assume, we wouldn't get many dances out of our bubble.- London followers dancing with London leaders at festivals (doesn’t give anxiety but couldn’t resist this one
- younger followers dancing with younger leads (rare in salsa, more in tango)
- dancing only with their team mates or surrounded by teammates all the time if not dancing
- dancing continously with same person or two.
With experienced dancers it's usually preference for good dances or their own safety.
Absolutely understand this point - though most high level dancers I know would simply scan the room and pick people out, even on the dancefloor. So they would essentially go for the best, rather than sticking to only those that are around for ages. Nobody I considered seriously good would stick to classmates (as they wouldn't have any, no need to take classes) or stick to the same people over and over again. But this might be different in every community.
In our small community, it's the opposite. The regulars pick out people they know and are comfortable with. There isn't a high level bias but there is definitely a friends' bias (or bias towards people who are frequently seen at parties and are known quantities)