Trying to get back into salsa...

[Chris_Yannick]

Hello all,

This is my first post on salsa forums, although i've lurked around here for many years. Please bear with me as I organize my thoughts.

I started my salsa journey 3 years ago. During that period, I have taken hundreds of classes, performance classes, met tons of great people and thoroughly enjoyed myself. All in all, salsa has been very good to me. It is also through salsa where I met a wonderful girl whom I was lucky enough to share my salsa journey with (Now my Ex g/f, more on that later).

Over the past 18 months or so, however, i've had to take care of things in my personal life, which forced me to take a step back from the world of Salsa. As a result, I took a 6 month hiatus from salsa.

I resumed dancing in March of this year, however in late april, my g/f broke up with me, and so I withdrew from salsa yet again. Note: we both attend the same salsa school, and since she is much more passionate about dance (she is also a member of my school's semi-pro latin team), I felt I needed to be the one to step down from dancing. Also, I needed time to myself to lick my wounds from the relationship.

Now fast forward 8 months, my desire to return to dance is back with a vengeance.

Here's where the tricky part comes in. I recently tried to reconcile with my Ex. After giving it some thought, she decided it's best not to speak or see each other again. I accepted her decision without question.

I then found out of an impromptu social my salsa school was having just before Christmas (i'm talking very impromptu, they gave only 6 hours notice). I decided to go on a whim. I felt like I was ready to go dance again, and even though the thought of running into my Ex terrified me, I put it behind me and went anyway.

It felt great returning to the studio. I saw all the familiar faces, and everybody greeted me with open arms. I even inquired about taking another performance class with them and they were genuinely excited about having me back.

As it turned out, my Ex was also in attendance. This was the first time we've seen each other post break-up, almost 8 months ago. We briefly exchanged "hello's" and that was it.

The next morning, My Ex wrote in an email to me asking me not to come back to the studio because it made her uncomfortable. I gave it some thought, and wanting not to burn any more bridges with her, I wrote back saying that I would respect her wishes and stay away.

So now here I am. I don't want to make my Ex feel uncomfortable, but at the same time, I need to get back into salsa for my own sanity. There are plenty of other salsa socials/clubs/schools in the city I can choose from (and I have been going out to other venues), however, the one place I feel the most connected to is the one place I can never go back. It makes no sense to me.

My goal is to get back into performing, and I feel I can get the best instruction at my old salsa school. However, my Ex doesn't want me there. Is she being unreasonable? Am I just being a doormat?

I apologize if this doesn't belong here. I've tried to seek advice on proper relationship forums, and the general consensus is that I should stay away from her, and by association, the studio as well. But that is not what I want! Yet I would feel horrible returning only to make her life miserable.

I still love her. Maybe that's the problem.

I would really appreciate a salsera/salsero's take on this situation. It is literally driving me up the wall.

Chris

 

[lolita]

Hi and welcome to SalsaForums Chris,

First: To the mods; I think we should have a thread called "relationships" and this should be part of it.

Second: To you; if she's uncomfortable, she can change schools.
I have no idea what kind of relationship forums you've been told, but if this is the kind of advice you'd received on them, then let me assure you they are all very disturbed people.

Seriously, why would you give up your passion for someone, anyone???? Do not feel bad at all. If she had the guts to ask you not to return, you should develop the guts to tell her to ehem, well to live with it.

She can't deal with it, that's her problem, not yours.

 

[Smejmoon]

Welcome Chris!

I still love her. Maybe that's the problem.

Am I just being a doormat?

Yes.

Making your own stance, that you believe in would help. Believe so much that it can withstand her pressure. With regard to burning bridges, I'm not fan of, but that's what she wants. I assume her opinion with regard of your presence in school could change if she would not sense that you're not ready to let her go. If not is it worth suffering and cheating oneself if "just salsa" is not just salsa.

P.S. Keep dancing It burns cortisol and is good for you in this state.

 

[crazygirl]

It's tough, and many of us have been there, but sufficient time has now passed so I'd just go and dance your way through the last bit of pain and get on with YOUR life.

She'll get over it or else let it become her problem not yours. You say 'hello' and she writes an email saying it made her uncomfortable - guess she hasn't moved on properly either....

 

[sonrisa]

I've been that girl. Wait, I only THOUGHT about asking my ex to stay out of certain salsa venues. I never did it because that's retarded. She had no right. This makes me mad.

If you think you will get the best instruction there, go there. She can't move on and it's not your problem. Just tell her, you've changed your mind, you're following your desires, no offense meant to her, but it's not ok for her to control you like that. Quit being a doormat!!

 

[sagitta]

I agree with the others. I think it is rather silly to not go because of your ex doesn't want to.

 

[sagitta]

Oh, and welcome to participating on sf Chris_Y

 

[sweavo]

Hi and welcome to the forums.

I agree with the other posters: if you've broken up then it's not your business to guard her feelings. That's one of the plus points of breaking up.

But you said "I still love her" so that makes me wonder whether the dynamic is as simple as the image that your post suggests. If you're not over her then maybe for your own sake you should make space.

Dance if you feel like dancing. But don't dance because you feel like being near this woman. You need to be as honest as you can be with yourself about your possible alterior motives. Keep the two separate in your head and heart.

 

[acpjr]

The next morning, My Ex wrote in an email to me asking me not to come back to the studio because it made her uncomfortable. I gave it some thought, and wanting not to burn any more bridges with her, I wrote back saying that I would respect her wishes and stay away.

Curious, are you in the U.S.?

I say go on the offensive. Tell everyone in your salsa circle of friends what happened. Send an email to your performance class instructors and fellow students stating that it was nice to see them at the impromptu social and that you're dying to return as a student but that you won't be returning because it's her wish.

You're wasting your time soliciting advice on the internet. Ask social dancers in your scene to get your story out there. They'll all support you and be on your side.

 

[smiling28]

Hi and welcome,

Your story resonates with many as many of us have experienced the mixing of relationships/salsa/fallout at venues.

Great responses. I second Sweavo in that I got the feeling (although perhaps misguided) that the salsa school thing for you may be more than just the tuition etc. I got the impression that it is a resistance of change. I suggest you review your reasons. Do you want to go backwards or forwards.

You mention you have been to other schools/socials. Tell us more about why you prefer your old school.

Changing schools may seem like the tougher option short term, but it will pay off longterm. New friends, new skills etc etc.

Why thrust yourself back into the midst of what would seem either unrequited love OR a complicated breakup.

a) just exactly what is it that you are trying to get back?
b) Why get things back when there is so much more to explore!!!

*if it helps, I felt like you with ex gfs in the past. You know the funny thing. I WOULD NEVER have imagined it, but I have kept meeting even more interesting and amazing people each page of my life. But until I turn the page, I cannot enjoy the new. (ps, there are many blank pages (i.e time alone) to turn before finding the interesting ones too he he but this is a change to know yourself and prioritise what is important)

Good luck and I strongly suggest exercise and eating well. Even if it is taking other dance styles/classes and then returning to Salsa whenever you feel better.

Ask yourself how you REALLY felt the day after your old social (her email included) as that rollercoaster of up and downs would be what you would face for a while.

All the best and very brave and good of you to post. As I said, there are many people that can relate

 

[petteri]

The next morning, My Ex wrote in an email to me asking me not to come back to the studio because it made her uncomfortable. I gave it some thought, and wanting not to burn any more bridges with her, I wrote back saying that I would respect her wishes and stay away.

So now here I am. I don't want to make my Ex feel uncomfortable, but at the same time, I need to get back into salsa for my own sanity. There are plenty of other salsa socials/clubs/schools in the city I can choose from (and I have been going out to other venues), however, the one place I feel the most connected to is the one place I can never go back. It makes no sense to me.

You should write your ex that you will be returning to the same salsa circles. Tell her how you feel about the circles. If she still feels awfully uncomfortably it is her problem. But you should still communicate.

 

[Francisco]

imo when she stopped being your girlfriend her problems stopped being your problems...

 

[Chris_Yannick]

Thank you to all who responded. I have just come back from a New Year's Eve party at my local salsa club. I've been slowly easing my way back into the scene, and tonight I feel I have regained some footing. I was confident, paced myself, but did not overdo it. I left a little early (just after countdown), but I was thoroughly dehydrated and needed to get some air.

I just wanted to address some points I feel need clarificaction on my end.

Hi and welcome to SalsaForums Chris,


Seriously, why would you give up your passion for someone, anyone???? Do not feel bad at all. If she had the guts to ask you not to return, you should develop the guts to tell her to ehem, well to live with it.

She can't deal with it, that's her problem, not yours.

You're right. I should develop the guts to tell her I have just as much a right to be there as she does. I know what kind of person she is, and I know she was only trying to protect herself. She was taken by surprise and she may have felt that I ambushed her at the social. In fact, I was just as surprised and uncomfortable as she. However, she is terrible at hiding her feelings. It's one of things I find most endearing about her. No fronts. Just honest emotion. I just wish she didn't feel like vomiting every time I walked into the same room!

Welcome Chris!


Making your own stance, that you believe in would help. Believe so much that it can withstand her pressure. With regard to burning bridges, I'm not fan of, but that's what she wants. I assume her opinion with regard of your presence in school could change if she would not sense that you're not ready to let her go. If not is it worth suffering and cheating oneself if "just salsa" is not just salsa.

P.S. Keep dancing It burns cortisol and is good for you in this state.

This is very true. I seem to be flip flopping back and forth between "respecting her wishes" and "I don't give a flying hoot. She doesn't own the place." I'm feeling that subconsciously, by reneging on my promise to stay back, it may destroy any chance of reconciling in the future and she may end up truly hating me. At this point, I don't think I could risk it.

I feel we need to hash things out by having an honest conversation. Every attempt i've made to open a dialogue with her ends up with her shutting the door in my face before we are able to meet. She made it clear she doesn't want to see/hear from me.

It's tough, and many of us have been there, but sufficient time has now passed so I'd just go and dance your way through the last bit of pain and get on with YOUR life.

She'll get over it or else let it become her problem not yours. You say 'hello' and she writes an email saying it made her uncomfortable - guess she hasn't moved on properly either....

Judging by her reaction to me, she has most definitely not moved on. One thing I think deserves mention is that she was open to reconciling just a few weeks ago. I reached out to her, and for a time, I thought we could work things out. By doing so, I opened up some old wounds. Even though we broke up 8 months ago, I feel that I am only starting to feel the loss.

My desire is to move on and deal with things as they come. I don't want to feel this onslaught on emotion any longer. It makes it worse though knowing she can't bear the sight of me.

I've been that girl. Wait, I only THOUGHT about asking my ex to stay out of certain salsa venues. I never did it because that's retarded. She had no right. This makes me mad.

If you think you will get the best instruction there, go there. She can't move on and it's not your problem. Just tell her, you've changed your mind, you're following your desires, no offense meant to her, but it's not ok for her to control you like that. Quit being a doormat!!

I wish my Ex shared the same sentiment! Unfortunately, the stress of having me around would overwhelm her. By removing me from the equation entirely, there is no confusion.

I have somewhat of a different mentality. I can't avoid seeing her forever (especially since we both salsa), so peaceful co-existence seems to be the only other option. She doesn't even have to acknowledge me. As much as it hurts, I could live with it because I have to.

Hi and welcome to the forums.

But you said "I still love her" so that makes me wonder whether the dynamic is as simple as the image that your post suggests. If you're not over her then maybe for your own sake you should make space.

Dance if you feel like dancing. But don't dance because you feel like being near this woman. You need to be as honest as you can be with yourself about your possible alterior motives. Keep the two separate in your head and heart.

There is nothing simple about this, else I would not be seeking advice. But you make a good point about being honest with myself.

My desire to dance has nothing to do with my Ex. If it did, I would most certainly have a conflict of interest and I would take a step back.

Despite going through this maelstrom of emotion, I know that I want to make dance a part of my life. At time of break-up, my dancing was too intertwined with my Ex, so it's somewhat of a blessing having had time away because it gave me a new perspective, which is simply this: I want to dance for myself. I did it before, and I want to keep doing it for as long as I am physically able.

Curious, are you in the U.S.?

I say go on the offensive. Tell everyone in your salsa circle of friends what happened. Send an email to your performance class instructors and fellow students stating that it was nice to see them at the impromptu social and that you're dying to return as a student but that you won't be returning because it's her wish.

You're wasting your time soliciting advice on the internet. Ask social dancers in your scene to get your story out there. They'll all support you and be on your side.

I'm not in the U.S. I am in Toronto, Canada. The salsa scene here is fairly large.

I wish I had the stomach to do what you suggest. I don't want to force people to pick sides. Besides, if it were to come down to picking sides, the money my Ex injects into the salsa machine will probably outweigh anything I have to offer. From a business standpoint, the salsa school stands to gain from having her around.

Truth be told, I could never do that to her. Dance is her life. It is what she lives for. I've never met someone with such a singular focus. I'm not about to make her life any more complicated.

 

[Chris_Yannick]

Hi and welcome,

Your story resonates with many as many of us have experienced the mixing of relationships/salsa/fallout at venues.

Great responses. I second Sweavo in that I got the feeling (although perhaps misguided) that the salsa school thing for you may be more than just the tuition etc. I got the impression that it is a resistance of change. I suggest you review your reasons. Do you want to go backwards or forwards.

You mention you have been to other schools/socials. Tell us more about why you prefer your old school.

Changing schools may seem like the tougher option short term, but it will pay off longterm. New friends, new skills etc etc.

Why thrust yourself back into the midst of what would seem either unrequited love OR a complicated breakup.

a) just exactly what is it that you are trying to get back?
b) Why get things back when there is so much more to explore!!!

*if it helps, I felt like you with ex gfs in the past. You know the funny thing. I WOULD NEVER have imagined it, but I have kept meeting even more interesting and amazing people each page of my life. But until I turn the page, I cannot enjoy the new. (ps, there are many blank pages (i.e time alone) to turn before finding the interesting ones too he he but this is a change to know yourself and prioritise what is important)

Good luck and I strongly suggest exercise and eating well. Even if it is taking other dance styles/classes and then returning to Salsa whenever you feel better.

Ask yourself how you REALLY felt the day after your old social (her email included) as that rollercoaster of up and downs would be what you would face for a while.

All the best and very brave and good of you to post. As I said, there are many people that can relate

I feel that by wanting to return to classes/performing, I am moving forward with my life. I have recently gone through a rough patch, and during this time, I was not dancing. I was not going out, period.

As time wore on, I knew I needed to get back into dancing. Salsa for me is not just an activity that which keeps me occupied. I do it for improving my physical health. I do it for the social aspect. I do it for one day meeting that "special someone". I had it all for a while, and I couldn't have been happier. But then I started to dissasociate myself from salsa, and projected that happiness onto someone else instead. Before I knew it, I was no longer dancing for "myself". I stopped dancing because it wasn't fun anymore, and I was completely lost.

What I want is to rekindle that love I had for dance. There is really no other way I can say it.

As far as the salsa school is concerned, I am convinced they are the best at what they do. I have invested a lot of time with them and that familiarity does sway my decision a bit, but never did I feel that I am resisting change. They know their stuff. By resuming classes with them, I can only learn and grow as a dancer.

I've looked into other schools as well. Ultimately, I wish to perform. Possibly join a performance troupe. Although at this point in time, simply going out social dancing would fulfill my happiness quotient. Like the saying goes, "everything old is new again."

I feel that this situation with my Ex could possibly put a damper on my goals. If she didn't feel as she does (which is sick to her stomach every time she sees me), then everything would be perfect! I feel like the effort required just to side-step her is going to drive me insane. I might even end up resenting her. As two rational adults, we should be able to get past this.

The more I think about it, the more I feel the need to confront her and just let her know that i'm here because i want to be here. It has nothing to do with wanting to get back together. I can contain my emotions and keep myself in check. In time, I can see those feelings of reconciliation going away. She may not like it, but what else can I do? Disappear forever?


Thanks again for the replies. I feel better knowing there are others out there who can relate.

Happy New Year to all!

Chris

 

[Smejmoon]

Thank you to all who responded. I have just come back from a New Year's Eve party at my local salsa club. I've been slowly easing my way back into the scene, and tonight I feel I have regained some footing. I was confident, paced myself, but did not overdo it. I left a little early (just after countdown), but I was thoroughly dehydrated and needed to get some air.

Glad to hear that! At this point I think you should devote considerable chunk of your life every day to something that makes you feel good. As Smiling said, good food, exercise, dance, sleep. Go to other schools for classes, so you can focus in them
She has your e-mail, phone number and knows how to get to you if she wants to. I don't want to create false hope, but man who likes himself is far more attractive than one who's desperate.
Btw. I disagree with opinions that her problems are not your problems and that you should force people pick stances. I would still care about that, but not let that roll over my life. I have done that and besides learning experience there are no more benefits to anybody who'se not sadistic.

Good luck!

 

[chrisk]

First, welcome to SF, Chris_Yannick!

While my response is a bit late compared to my fellow members, I'ld like to add my opinion to this one as well. I'm not completely sure if I can agree with the advice from my fellow members that in your case the problem completely resides with her, but at least as adults both of you should be able to see each other again after some time, say 'Hello' and just move on.

But let's be a bit more specific: I think it's great that when you girlfriend broke up with you, you took your time off from salsa and rather worked on getting over the break-up with her and got comfortable with the new situation between you two. So it sounds that you're now at the point where you aren't feeling hurt or uncomfortable when you see her again. But then again you mention that you still 'love her', so I wonder do you really think there's still a chance for you two, do you just can't forget her because you sometimes see her or where does the feeling come from? You don't need to answer this question in public, but answer it or at least try to answer it for yourself. I think that once you've broken up with a partner, you need to move forward and not look back. But you also describe that your girlfriend doesn't feel comfortable seeing you again now, after more then 6 month. From reading your post and the top of my head, I directly had two thoughts on my mind. My first thought was that although going by your post, she broke-up with you, she hasn't taken her time to get over the break-up and accept that she'll see you again somewhere, especially when you share the hobby of salsa. My second thought was that something very bad happened in your relationship that also led her to breaking up with you. Just answer for yourself the question (or at least try to) why exactly broke she up with me? Did maybe your situation where you had 'to take care of things in my personal life' had a bad influence on your relationship with her? Please note, that I'm not saying that this is the reason for her behavior or that it's any justification for it, but I'm trying to think of the cause for her behavior.

I'm sure if I've written in a different thread here before, but as adults we should learn to handle relationship break-ups in a reasonable way. And that includes in my opinion taking your time to get comfortable to see your ex-partner again and not cause a scene or make them feel uncomfortable or hurt in any way. So based on the information you provided, I think it's not very reasonable or mature of her to ask you to avoid the dance school where you both share your passion. I feel that she rather needs to spend some time getting comfortable around the idea of sometimes seeing you again in class or at a social as you both still share the hobby of dancing salsa. With regard to this I would suggest not to follow the advice of my fellow member acpjr, since it's in my opinion not helpful for multiple reasons. First, there's no guarantee that the people that you're going to inform are really going to take your side and not just take a neutral stance or even fall for the other side. Second, your ex-girlfriend might feel hurt by this behavior of yours and start an attack of her own, by doing the same with her side of the story. This can then easily lead to an very hostile environment, where some people will try to remain neutral while others take your or your ex-girlfriends side and it may hurt the salsa social scene as well as the atmosphere in the dance school in a bad way. And last but not least, people should never place or have to place themselves in between two people who just broke up from their relationship (or marriage). Rather act in mature way and keep the possible conflict between your ex-girlfriend and you two a minimum by exercising control of your behavior and your speech. So you might rather want to consider having an honest and open talk with her in an neutral location (ie. that isn't stirring up any special emotions within anybody of you two). And then explain to here how important salsa dancing has been for you in the past and how you managed to re-discover this during the last 8 month after the break-up and then try to find a way so that you both can still exercise your passion of dancing salsa without anybody of you feeling hurt or uncomfortable. Maybe this will help her to not feel uncomfortable seeing you again, as she clearly knows that you aren't interested in her anymore but just in your passion of dancing salsa with all the other ladies.

First: To the mods; I think we should have a thread called "relationships" and this should be part of it.

Sorry, but I think we already had enough threads about various relationship issues and salsa dancing in the past. So I think it might be more interesting to create another sticky posts that reference all those threads, so people can re-read all those discussion as well as revive the threads if they fit their issue or just to post their opinion.

 

[bas]

There is nothing simple about this, else I would not be seeking advice. But you make a good point about being honest with myself.

I had almost an essay written responding to individual points until I got to this part.

It actually is very simple.

Want a shot at getting her back? Move on. Get your **** together. Realize that you don't depend on her for your happiness.

Want to get off the emotional roller-coaster? Move on. Get your **** together. Realize that you don't depend on her for your happiness

Just want to enjoy life? Move on. Get your **** together. Realize that you don't depend on her for your happiness

See, it really is simple when you strip away all the layers of complication that we as humans tend to add

 

[lolita]

First, welcome to SF, Chris_Yannick!Sorry, but I think we already had enough threads about various relationship issues and salsa dancing in the past. So I think it might be more interesting to create another sticky posts that reference all those threads, so people can re-read all those discussion as well as revive the threads if they fit their issue or just to post their opinion.

Isn't that what I said?

 

[bas]

As time wore on, I knew I needed to get back into dancing. Salsa for me is not just an activity that which keeps me occupied. I do it for improving my physical health. I do it for the social aspect. I do it for one day meeting that "special someone". I had it all for a while, and I couldn't have been happier. But then I started to dissasociate myself from salsa, and projected that happiness onto someone else instead. Before I knew it, I was no longer dancing for "myself". I stopped dancing because it wasn't fun anymore, and I was completely lost.

What I want is to rekindle that love I had for dance. There is really no other way I can say it.

I'm going to state, what I feel is, the obvious here but.... if you want to rekindle the love you had for dance than stop dancing for all the reasons you mentioned before. Dance to dance. Take the rest as bonuses.

As far as the salsa school is concerned, I am convinced they are the best at what they do. I have invested a lot of time with them and that familiarity does sway my decision a bit, but never did I feel that I am resisting change. They know their stuff. By resuming classes with them, I can only learn and grow as a dancer.

There is a lot of research that shows that people always rank that which they have invested in higher than other things. I'm not saying this salsa school is not the best there is, I don't know them after all. Just trying to make you aware of the fact that you might not be objective when comparing them to other schools.

I feel that this situation with my Ex could possibly put a damper on my goals. If she didn't feel as she does (which is sick to her stomach every time she sees me)

Learn to keep her problems and your problems separate. She is responsible for her emotional wellbeing, you for your's. Don't make her problems your problems.

I feel like the effort required just to side-step her is going to drive me insane. I might even end up resenting her. As two rational adults, we should be able to get past this.

Yes, you should be able to but not until, here it comes again, you move on....

The more I think about it, the more I feel the need to confront her and just let her know that i'm here because i want to be here. It has nothing to do with wanting to get back together.

There you go, one simple email and part of your problem is solved.

She may not like it, but what else can I do? Disappear forever?

That of course is an option in it's own right. I suggest Puerto Rico. There is salsa there as well and the weather is better than in Canada

Happy New Year to all!

tnx and happy new year to you too.

I hope you work things out for yourself

 

[chrisk]

Isn't that what I said?

Sorry, wasn't clear to me when I read it. I was wondering if you looked for a new mega-thread running 100 of pages for all aspects. But then again I've just introduced a new sticky post for Relationships and Salsa - SF advice guide.