I certainly agree with you that in the end each of us is responsible for his own well-being, but this shouldn't mean that we don't care about others and pick ways to self-medicate us that don't disadvantage the other person. And while I can't sense anything in your posts like anger about her, I'm suspect that you had partly false expectations when you tried to 'get back together' weeks ago instead of just moving on. If I remember correctly, you wrote that she broke up with you, so if she really wants to try getting back together, it's in my opinion up to her to suggest something like this to you. As long as she's not trying something look forward and try to enjoy your life as it is.
Right, it seems like she's very sensitive about seeing you again after the break-up although after some time that should be normal. Either she hasn't yet taken her time to get over the break-up with you and really moved on or maybe she's always acted like that in the past with ex-partners and successfully kept them from reappearing in her life. So maybe she's now confronted with a new situation where you didn't disappear and she now needs to find a way to accept this?
I don't think there's much that you can do about it currently except for ignoring her and trying to find other dance schools and socials where you can get your dance fix without making the situation more complicated or worse then it is.
First, thanks for answering the questions that I raised here, but then again I didn't expect a public answer and more thought of you just answering them for yourself. Anyway, when I talked about 'truly bad', I wasn't just thinking of an act of infidelity or abuse, but also about other behavior that has hurt your partner like ignoring them at certain events (like you don't know them) or telling other people you're single while she's either in hearing distance or later told by a friend about this behavior. In my opinion such behavior can also sometimes cause a heavy reaction after the breakup where one partner practically demands from the other partner to change their life just for their own well-being, which is very selfish.
Except that she needs to learn that a public place like the dance studio can never really be a 'safe' place since there's no way for her to restrict access for anybody like you. Rather the 'safe' place where she truly feels secure should be her home where she decides about access and can lock everybody out of her life.
While I can see that your attempt to 'get back together' even further increased the tensions after seeing you at the studio, I'm not sure if letting the issue 'lay low for a while' is really good. I think first you want to look for other socials and try out other schools, but once you've found a new school, I would consider sending her an e-mail. In this e-Mail you can then explain that while you've found that a new school to learn with, you'll follow up on your passion for dancing and will sometimes also be at the social of your old school because of the instructors and other people that you know so well and want to see again. You can then also mention, that you might show for up the occasional class as well. But most importantly mention that you will certainly ignore her because you've moved on and just want to enjoy dancing with other ladies as well as talking to your friends there. It's then up to her to either move to a different school because she's very sensitive like you describe her and can't stand seeing you in any way again or just wait and see that you follow up on your words and accept seeing you at least sometimes in class or at a social. So in general, I don't think it's helpful if you center your behavior too much on her well-being and rather look after yourself. As you mentioned at the beginning of the post, everybody has to take care of their own well-being.
Hi ChrisK,
I always enjoy reading your well thought out responses. Again, you pretty much hit every point on the proverbial nail.
Actually, I just came back from a salsa social and saw my Ex, although this time the result was somewhat better than last time. No, I did not approach her. She came up to me! It was strange, since the last time we saw each other, she was running away from me. She found me, took me aside, and we chatted for about 10 minutes outside the main dance area.
She wanted to clear the air with me about the last time we saw each other at the Xmas social at our old dance studio. She mentioned how she was taken by surprise, and how she may have over-reacted. She asked me if I was planning on taking any classes elsewhere, and I said i'd probably just stick with social dancing for the time being. I did not bring up wanting to take classes at our old dance studio, and frankly, I did not see any reason to. She also updated me on some other events going on in her life, which had mostly to do with work. That's where we ended the conversation.
During our brief exchange, I noticed a few things:
Even though I still have feelings for her, she made no indication during our conversation that she was interested in anything other than explaining herself for her behavior that night at the xmas social.
She stuck around pretty much till the end. I kept tabs on where she was throughout the night, as i'm sure she was doing the same. I was the first to leave. I did not say goodbye. I felt she made herself clear that she wanted space, so I gave it to her.
I entertained the thought of writing her an email to thank her for pulling me aside to clear the air, however, I am inclined not to simply because I do not want to leave her with the impression that i'm hoping for anything or that I expect something in return, even friendship.
Anyway, that was my night. As surreal as it was, I came out feeling pretty good. I did not expect to see her. But from the moment I saw her to the moment I left the building, I was calm the whole way through.
I hope this closes a chapter in my life and I can finally put this behind me. I won't be making any more attempts to contact her, unless it's to say that i'm coming back to the studio for the odd class, but at this point, I can't see myself doing that. Regardless, she knows where to find me.
Thanks again to all who gave advice and for the support, and to those who gave their brutally honest opinion. I appreciated all of it.
Chris
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