Looks and Managing Low Confidence

Amun said:
I thought I might add this to the topic. I bumped into a new unknown venue that was mostly filled with older people. The youngest dance partner I had was probably around sixty, and the oldest was around 80 years old. And they were probably the best dance partners I had in a while. They didn't care about how they looked to others, they just wanted to have pure joy from dancing. And they were insanely good tbh, most people far better than me. The whole night was fantastic. So in my opinion, looks or age really totally doesn't matter in dance, and if someone is judging others, it's this person who's the killjoy.
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I almost make it. Apoont to ask older women. Especially in the bigger city and if I notice they haven't danced in like, 5 songs. 90% of the time I'm pleasantly surprised. The other 10% can be looked at as "paying it forward". Many of them are just happy to be dancing, and I am a very jokey dancer and like to do lots of blocks and pauses. They seem very happy to dance with me
Also I find alot 0f them have clearly danced another dance, as they have more than acceptable following skills. So I can do some dynamic stuff without the pressure of impressing them, and if we screw up I've already established by the second cbl or underarm walk taht I am zany, so they have no panic either.
 
I, sometimes, don't understand some older women. Last wednesday, I was at a local dance event. I saw some older women just waited to be asked to the floor the whole night. If you want to dance, it wouldn't hurt to ask any guys that you think they are friendly. You paid your fee just like everybody else. Don't pay a fee to let others decide when you will dance, you do it yourself.
 
I half relate to the theme here, maybe I should start a new thread, but I think there is enough overlap to add an extra layer.

The self-confidence theme is the part I relate to, and being an introvert as well (not sure if it was OP who mentioned this part), but not necessarily the part about worry over physical looks.

For me, the difficult part is trying to conquer NERVOUS ENERGY. I know it's there and that it must be a problem for me and others. The confidence I need is of the kind that allows me to turn my mind off and just submit to the music, moving almost automatically and not making my follow worry about me hesitating even for a split second.

If anybody has any advice or thoughts on the above, I would appreciate it.
 
SalsaNerd said:
I half relate to the theme here, maybe I should start a new thread, but I think there is enough overlap to add an extra layer.

The self-confidence theme is the part I relate to, and being an introvert as well (not sure if it was OP who mentioned this part), but not necessarily the part about worry over physical looks.

For me, the difficult part is trying to conquer NERVOUS ENERGY. I know it's there and that it must be a problem for me and others. The confidence I need is of the kind that allows me to turn my mind off and just submit to the music, moving almost automatically and not making my follow worry about me hesitating even for a split second.

If anybody has any advice or thoughts on the above, I would appreciate it.
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I had that for years I eventually KIND of got over it.
My secret.... Dancing 2/3 of the song in closed position doing different variations on basic steps in different directions.
I jest but not really. I spend a good amount of time in it, trying to gain connection. Lead a few catwalks to show I am I light clear lead. Also learning the left turn prep for cbl on 123 (on 1). And lots of blocks. Fills up time.
Then I learned some quasi recognizable rumba movements and a shoulder shimmy a t slow speed.
This has lessened the need in my mind at least for a Pattern centric dance. The shenanigans make them laugh (usually) and the blocks are surprising and cheeky to some. I find that me giving the follow enough time to "breathe" while keeping it interesting (I hope) is appreciated. It seems that way anyways. I don't know a ton of fancy variations, so why nother trying? A difficulty of 3 with an execution of 8bor higher is better than the reverse . Mind you my lead and my appearance are not on the same plane lol. I'm awkward looking, so I think the zany masks it.
It has given me much more confidence, although I lose it if the dance goes south right away or the follow has the "fart in church" face. Also I just typed a 3 paragraph diatribe to my friend about why I still suck and how I haven't improved at all, ever. So maybe don't follow my advice
 
Confidence and skills often don’t align in the beginner to intermediate phase. I have seen both. Guys who lack skills but are overconfident or overestimate. Guys who have skills but are not confident or underestimate. Unfortunately the guys that are overconfident get away with. They get more dances because they feel confident to ask. For most part followers at similar level don’t distinguish between overconfident skilless lead and under-confident skillful lead. By don’t distinguish I mean either not able to recognize it or be more encouraging of shy or less confident skilled leaders if they do. I have seen very few do it. It does require higher EQ to recognize and respond situationally. Probably most followers take the terminology “following” literally. Or they are more focused inwards and worried about their own following skills.

Unless there are some prior incidents, if you find guy not asking you, many followers will assume the guy is ignoring them or doesn’t like asking them. Opposite might be true. The guy does want to ask but is nervous of being rejected. It could be due being less confident, or he perceived the follower as not enjoying the dance, or follower might have said no once or twice. While most followers don’t remember if they have said no to a guy once or twice, almost every guy remembers who said no. At early stages of dancing (first two years) getting a no can dent a guy’s confidence. Getting several nos from different ladies, if they are clustered in a short span can also be downer. Therefore is a guy is naturally inclined to lack of confidence, first few years in dancing world can be very challenging.

It is harder to speak of follower with less confidence. The dynamics are very different.
 
1derpalm said:
I find that me giving the follow enough time to "breathe" while keeping it interesting (I hope) is appreciated.
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Always give the follower a breathing room, no matter which partner days. It is one of the essence of partner dancing. Inexperience followers may not recognize or able to tell why dancing with X feels better than with Y. It can be due to X giving more breathing room.
 
Offbeat said:
Always give the follower a breathing room, no matter which partner days. It is one of the essence of partner dancing. Inexperience followers may not recognize or able to tell why dancing with X feels better than with Y. It can be due to X giving more breathing room.
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We're talking metaphorical breathing room, and not just physical space right? (though obviously mauling bad)
 
SalsaNerd said:
I half relate to the theme here, maybe I should start a new thread, but I think there is enough overlap to add an extra layer.

The self-confidence theme is the part I relate to, and being an introvert as well (not sure if it was OP who mentioned this part), but not necessarily the part about worry over physical looks.

For me, the difficult part is trying to conquer NERVOUS ENERGY. I know it's there and that it must be a problem for me and others. The confidence I need is of the kind that allows me to turn my mind off and just submit to the music, moving almost automatically and not making my follow worry about me hesitating even for a split second.

If anybody has any advice or thoughts on the above, I would appreciate it.
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I completely understand what you mean by nervous energy and I wonder how this has affected my dance. Even when I'm not nervous about dancing in principle, sometimes I feel I need to perform and demonstrate to the follow that I can dance. For salsa this means the pressure to constantly do difficult or complicated as opposed to just dancing naturally or with flow. I also think this is the reason my tension is higher than it needs to be and as a result I sweat a lot more. This together with the added need of eye contact and non-verbal communication with the follow makes it much worse. I'm also looking for a solution.
 
SalsaNerd said:
For me, the difficult part is trying to conquer NERVOUS ENERGY. I know it's there and that it must be a problem for me and others. The confidence I need is of the kind that allows me to turn my mind off and just submit to the music, moving almost automatically and not making my follow worry about me hesitating even for a split second.

If anybody has any advice or thoughts on the above, I would appreciate it.
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A couple of things come to mind.

1) Know what you can do well. Try to structure your dance around those things.

2) Mistakes happen. Don’t frown or make it appear like you are placing blame. Either ignore them or laugh it off.

3) Give breathing room to your partner. If you dance with someone who is more advanced than you, the more likely they will appreciate not being completely handcuffed. Trying to throw everything you know at them puts unnecessary pressure that you do not need.

4) Take time at the beginning of the song to get to know your partner. Don’t start the dance by throwing them around (or ever). Try to match the song’s energy. Is there a lull during the song? Can you slow it down when needed?

5) Groove in place. If you haven’t learned how to do this, learn it asap. This is basically you saying “I don’t need fancy patterns. I can enjoy the dance following only the rhythms.” The beauty of grooving is that you can do it at any point during a song and it’s also a great way to give yourself breathing room and reset.
 
Been there.
dadada_486 said:
I completely understand what you mean by nervous energy and I wonder how this has affected my dance. Even when I'm not nervous about dancing in principle, sometimes I feel I need to perform and demonstrate to the follow that I can dance. For salsa this means the pressure to constantly do difficult or complicated as opposed to just dancing naturally or with flow. I also think this is the reason my tension is higher than it needs to be and as a result I sweat a lot more. This together with the added need of eye contact and non-verbal communication with the follow makes it much worse. I'm also looking for a solution.
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Been there. It doesn't make it easier when your partner senses your nervous energy and instead of assuring you, it almost feels like your supporting chairman Mao.
It took me a while to get over it. I still get it sometimes. But I have created a bar for the things that I feel are dynamic ENOUGH to do, and then once I got them I started worrying less, and then I still had the nervousness because my body movement and shines are blah. My thing is to usually make them laugh early on with my quirks, and once I do, then I feel a bit more confident, then the dance gets "better". I still have 2ork to do. And if I start feeling like I'm being boring, then then it goes down hill again lol.
 
Chris_Yannick said:
A couple of things come to mind.

1) Know what you can do well. Try to structure your dance around those things.

2) Mistakes happen. Don’t frown or make it appear like you are placing blame. Either ignore them or laugh it off.

3) Give breathing room to your partner. If you dance with someone who is more advanced than you, the more likely they will appreciate not being completely handcuffed. Trying to throw everything you know at them puts unnecessary pressure that you do not need.

4) Take time at the beginning of the song to get to know your partner. Don’t start the dance by throwing them around (or ever). Try to match the song’s energy. Is there a lull during the song? Can you slow it down when needed?

5) Groove in place. If you haven’t learned how to do this, learn it asap. This is basically you saying “I don’t need fancy patterns. I can enjoy the dance following only the rhythms.” The beauty of grooving is that you can do it at any point during a song and it’s also a great way to give yourself breathing room and reset.
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A lady commented last month that she loves that I groove during a song.
Learning when to do nothing and how to start a song has been my life saver. No I cringe when I see people performing double spins, hammerlocks, coca-cola's and hair combs by the middle of the first verse of Chan Chan.
 
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