Looks and Managing Low Confidence
- Thread starter dadada_486
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Always super-helpful feedback, thank you!
Sabrosura
Son Montuno
It's not just older women. At kizomba parties, for example, I would estimate 2/3 of the women spend their night waiting/ sitting down rather than asking. Given that there are usually twice the number of follows as leads at these parties, waiting to be asked (as a follow) is a losing strategy, unless you are a super popular follow. A lot of these women only end up with only a few dances in a 3-hour party. So I don't know why they do that. (But I'm not complaining, more leads for me to choose from
)Even more confusing is that you will see various guys at kiz parties also waiting or standing around most of the night. Meanwhile there are tons of eager available follows for them to invite and yet they apparently prefer to spend most of their night standing around / not dancing. The only thing I can think of is that they get dumped after one dance a lot because of poor dancing skills, so they prefer to just hang around watching -- in that case their time would be better spent in classes or at home getting their skills up.
I observe this in salsa, too, and I don't understand this either. We're in 21st century and my whole life I hear about equal rights and probably all of these women would insist they are emancipated - but ask a guy for a dance: no, no, no. "The man has to ask!" is probably most women's sophisticated answer to that. Most women are lost in their passiveness and never learned to take the active role. It is more comfortable as they avoid rejections, but as you said they can't really choose themselves.
Sometimes I really get tired of having constantly to ask and just sit down exhausted from this fighting over the girls. As most salsa songs are about 4 minutes there are 15 songs played during an hour, that makes about 40 times asking in a (short) night, and add some rejections so even more. Even many women I know very well never ever come asking, but I have to go to them. I find this ridiculous.
Question is if the majority of women really would prefer to change that. I suppose we are stuck in the evolutionary game that the man has to prove his boldness, and most women want it this way, even if they suffer some disadvantages from that. Anyway, the few followers I know that do come for asking me, I really appreciate them, as I appreciate bold women, too.
based on my experience, if a women really wants to dance with you she'll let you know. You may know them well but who knows if they enjoy dancing with you or just do it out of politeness. The social quagmires of social dancing are quite complex and dependent on culture. In Israel, in a lead-heavy scene, there are actually many dominant follows who invite or clearly let leads know they want to dance.
It's not just older women. At kizomba parties, for example, I would estimate 2/3 of the women spend their night waiting/ sitting down rather than asking. Given that there are usually twice the number of follows as leads at these parties, waiting to be asked (as a follow) is a losing strategy, unless you are a super popular follow. A lot of these women only end up with only a few dances in a 3-hour party. So I don't know why they do that. (But I'm not complaining, more leads for me to choose from
Even more confusing is that you will see various guys at kiz parties also waiting or standing around most of the night. Meanwhile there are tons of eager available follows for them to invite and yet they apparently prefer to spend most of their night standing around / not dancing. The only thing I can think of is that they get dumped after one dance a lot because of poor dancing skills, so they prefer to just hang around watching -- in that case their time would be better spent in classes or at home getting their skills up.
But then if these guys dance once with all the women, it is still a winning strategy with so many women as you say.
Or do they get rejected?This argument is unavoidable, I would argue the same about somebody I don't know.
But I can tell you, when I cross the border it is different in the other country. Culture it is.
1derpalm
Son Montuno
I get asked a LOT. sometimes when I am already on route to asking someone else.
Maybe I just attract the predators.
Thank god, too. That is how I gained the experience and then the confidence to ask for dances myself. I still get maybe 1 rejection (in Toronto). But I'm not going to lose sleep over it.
Maybe I just attract the predators.
Thank god, too. That is how I gained the experience and then the confidence to ask for dances myself. I still get maybe 1 rejection (in Toronto). But I'm not going to lose sleep over it.
Bostontraitor
Son
Not everyone take dancing seriously like you do. Some guys might just want to chill, and get to know women. They like to chat with women more than getting the dance. I know a few guys like that. one of them told me, "I enjoy the dance, you enjoy to learn."
Sabrosura
Son Montuno
Oh I'm aware of that aspect, but the guys I was referring to aren't socializing/chatting to anyone, they're literally just standing/sitting down and on their phone for long periods of time.
PS The guys you're talking about would do well to get their dance skills up if they want to get to know women
Good leads have a huge advantage there.PPS I disagree with the guy you quoted. I don't think those of us who take dance seriously do it because we enjoy to learn, but rather, we really love to dance and we realize that the better you get at dancing, the more you can enjoy it. (More skill equals more fun!)
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I've forgotten how much I look because I enjoy dancing so much. I think my decent or average dancing helps my looks but you're right, you can't just go out without thinking about how sweaty you might be. It's good to go take a break and even wear a new shirt. That's what I do.