Date turned to nightmare salsa scene (help)...

[starlight123]

Hello everyone. I need some advice on this situation. I've never experienced someone/a situation like this before. I needed somewhere to let this out because it makes me uncomfortable. I'm trying my best to not let it get to me and have fun/learn, but it's hard.

Short version: I met a guy shortly after starting up salsa classes 3 months ago. It didn't work out and I ended up blocking him for reasons of self preservation. Now if I have a class with him he goes out of his way to try to make me uncomfortable by getting his bros in on it too. They treat me in this weird, shitty way when I have to dance with them and they snicker at me/watch me at the beginning or ending of class. I feel targeted/retaliated against. I want to go the instructors about it but I'm kinda intimidated since it seems like he might be in their circle more based off of what he's told me. What's crazy to me is he's 39(I'm 27)... you'd think he would know better.

Full story: I started salsa classes in December to try something new/different. I'm pretty busy with school/work and wanted to add in some kind of hobby to give me balance. I had no idea about how salsa worked and "the scene." I love the whole concept and it's just a great, positive way to spend your time. On top of that, I'm also shy, very socially anxious, and reserved so I wanted to try something to help me break out of my shell. Anyways, shortly after starting I met a guy who seemed really cool to practice with. He is a beginner/intermediate and is way more familiar with the scene than I am. He knows where all the spots are for the socials around my city and was the one who brought it to my attention that there's a salsa scene. I didn't know what to expect, I thought I just found someone who was artsy/cool and wanted to improve on this hobby. We hung out 3 times in a week to practice, including going to a social. However those practice sessions were more like dates which I didn't expect....It turned out though that I was really connecting with him and having a lot of fun. It was a really beautiful/romantic experience for me (no s*x btw), but it felt like things were going way too fast/overwhelming. I couldn't trust it yet cause I didn't feel like I knew him well enough yet (only hung out for 3 days), and he also said some weird/sus things throughout all of that but I was still wanting to give him a chance. He was already calling pet names like, "My lady" after our first practice session. He is also a guy who wants to be in charge of everything. Like he was making it a point to control where we go, where we practiced, where we ate. Very very forward too and does all the talking. He kinda gave me bad boy vibes or whatever which made me not sure about him but still giving him a chance.

Anyways, after that first week, he kinda dips out for a week and I don't see him at class but he is still texting me a lot. That's understandable but when he comes back, he invites me to his home for practice. This is the conversation that made everything crumble. For me, I just don't like going to men's houses if I don't know them very well. I politely declined and said I'm not comfortable just yet with going to his place even though we had a lot of fun and would rather practice outside still. I also told him how I didn't expect things to become so romantic and I also let him know that I'm not into flings if that's what he is wanting. Well this made him mad and he was like, "I don't want a fling either. So do you not want me to show interest in you? I'm showing interest in you that's normal" And I was like no that's not it..I know we had fun I just said I'm not comfortable with going to your house yet and just expressing how I feel about the pace of things. he was just like, "Wellp, so much for practice then." And I explained to him that I'm not trying to come at him I'm just trying to be honest cause it was just a lot of energy coming at me. He started saying he understood and says good communication is key but then he was still like, "Well I'll think about finding a place to eat and practice." I even suggested a place we could go to practice. This just seemed like he got his ego bruised and he had to play these cards to get the upper hand when i was trying to be real with him.. I gave him a few hours to respond and he didn't so I blocked him. It felt like bs to me and I don't have time for that.. I felt SO horrible to do that, it literally felt like I cut off my fingers cause our connection was so sweet, but I felt like I was going to get hurt if I moved forward with him. I don't think he saw that coming and expected me to just stick around seeing how he acts now.

Fast forward a couple months later to now. Well if I have a class with him which varies he is doing all sorts of things to try to make me uncomfortable. He watches me, he plays eye darting games like if I happen to accidentally look at him he will look away, he has little buddies that he talks to and they treat me different. They will corral off to the side and obviously be talking about me/looking at me. And then when I dance with one of them including him he puts like no effort into the dance and they are just very stoic/rude when before they were very nice to me. I try my best to ignore them and just act normal but I feel hatred emitting from him, and it's very uncomfortable. and for what? Because I didn't jump into bed with him? If he felt the same connection as I did and is hurt, then why pull those stupid cards? There's no way I can tell how you are after 3 days of hanging out.

I had a class yesterday. I feel like some more men that I have seen since I've coming here have been treating me differently. None of it adds up to me and I feel targeted/bullied. Anyone been in a situation or seen a situation like this?? Is this a thing in the salsa scene?

 

[Offbeat]

No it is not a thing in the salsa scene. The guy is acting like a douchebag. You did very well to nip it in the bud

Hold your ground and focus more on going to socials. If you have an option, go to different instructor/school for classes. If you feel bullied, you should absolutely talk to the instructor. If there is a female instructor, talk to her about getting bullied. You don’t have to dance with him in the class. You can tell him given his passive aggressive behavior, it is better to skip the turn during the rotation.

As a follower you are likely to progress faster than him. When you go to social you will get to dance with guys who have better skills than him. If you go to socials regularly you will know more people. Instead of practicing three times, go to socials as often as you can and have fun. At the beginning stage the leaders are far more in the need of practice than the followers. You are already taking lessons.

How big is your scene? Is it in a big metro? How many times in a week or month do you take lessons?

 

[starlight123]

No it is not a thing in the salsa scene. The guy is acting like a douchebag. You did very well to nip it in the bud

Hold your ground and focus more on going to socials. If you have an option, go to different instructor/school for classes. If you feel bullied, you should absolutely talk to the instructor. If there is a female instructor, talk to her about getting bullied. You don’t have to dance with him in the class. You can tell him given his passive aggressive behavior, it is better to skip the turn during the rotation.

As a follower you are likely to progress faster than him. When you go to social you will get to dance with guys who have better skills than him. If you go to socials regularly you will know more people. Instead of practicing three times, go to socials as often as you can and have fun. At the beginning stage the leaders are far more in the need of practice than the followers. You are already taking lessons.

How big is your scene? Is it in a big metro? How many times in a week or month do you take lessons?

Hello thank you for responding. Yes this is really ugly. It's supposed to be a place for everyone not, " This is my turf" or some bs. The vibe I get is...he didn't get his way like he is used to and is bitter. I don't understand how he can't just ignore me back. I'm not that special, I'm a loner/awkward.. What is the big deal? It's so weird!!

I'm in Phoenix. I believe the scene is pretty active/big. The classes I go to are packed and when I went to that social there were lots of people there. There are like 6 venues to go to in phoenix that hold socials weekly at different times of the week. I go to 1-2 times a week at the beginner level classes at this studio near dt phoenix. They are really cheap classes, only $10-$15. I'm new to salsa and originally from a small, rural town so I don't have any other place to compare. The social I went to, there was quite a few people there. I actually haven't gone to a social since this date guy. But according to him, you'll see the same people from class go to certain places. So the scene is big but still small enough to see the same people. I actually like that but unfortunately if I go to one of these places regularly I'll likely run into him eventually.

 

[Richie Blondet]

Hello,

Have you tried Tempe or Scottsdale? Not sure if the distance to Phoenix is convenient but if it's no biggie maybe give Scottsdale a run. That is if it isn't a scenario where the people in the "scene" overlap throughout the state (as in dancers in Phoenix won't be found in Tempe) I'd say to stick to one city where that clown and his circus freak posse aren't to be found. Get your dance instruction and dance fix there. However once you establish yourself dance-wise get yourself a crew and head on over to the socials where what's his name and his boyfriend's hang out. By then you won't be intimidated no more. If there's anything Salsa dancers value it's a capable partner to enjoy themselves with. And if Arizona is anything like it was 25 years ago decent dancers are in demand. Dance your ass off with all his "bros" if they make themselves available. But leave you know who in the lurch.

With all due respect to dancers who've never experienced this I would say it is a part of the Salsa dance scene anywhere. If it's not happening, then great. But there's a pattern within the dance scenes where it rears its ugly head. That happens in NY, NJ, Chicago, L.A., S.D., S.F., etc. It's really a microcosm of society itself. Men can be immature slime and self-centered. That's just a fact and it spills into public community, cultural and leisurely activities. This happens at the workplace, church, school, athletic/sports environment, and even in the military. So it's not just a "thing" in the Salsa scene. It's a reality of life you have to be cognizant of and prepared for.

I'm sorry you had to go thru this and are mayhap still having to endure the snobbiness and stupidity of little boys in the local dance scene over there. But use it as a learning experience. Your best revenge would be to stick to your guns, continue to dance like no one is watching, and if he or one of his boy scouts give a pitiful dance practice response with no effort, don't be afraid to call them out publicly. Regardless of how cheap classes are you aren't paying $15 to dance with a bunch of sissy boys who are going to act dumb and give off weird vibes because one weirdo thought you were his girlfriend by default after three meetups. Look them in the eye and tell them "Is there something wrong with you? You're not high are you? Get it together then!" Get loud if you have to. Yell at the top of your lungs "Can I please get another partner!" Don't worry about being branded a diva. Because that's what they are acting like. They're nobody. They're learning just like you.

Lastly you're an adult and can make your own sound decisions. So take this with a grain of salt if you choose to. I recommend steering clear of anyone who wants to practice dancing "Salsa" with you but then makes a move, and at the very onset. It's predatory behavior. I don't care if he's a nice guy. That's a ploy many have done and is the reason they're in the scene in the first place. A genuine "nice guy" is patient, makes you feel comfortable and at ease, is ALL about practicing with you to improve, and is respectful throughout the friendly interaction and exchange. As time goes by and the interaction has dufficient mileage where YOU feel safe, then I'd say taking the next step would be a fair choice based on tge treatment history. Once a romantic intent surfaces at the very start though on the premise of innocent "practice" it's a recipe for disaster. Especially when a guy refers to you as "My lady" after only less than a handful of meetups? That's from "creep squad" playbook.

Your story is akin to so many others and I'm glad you didn't endure what other ladies have had to put up with from other dance newbies, dance veterans, and even dance instructors. The latter of whom are the worst of the lot.

Hang in there, don't be afraid to speak your mind to and at these dummies. Being confident is your suit of armor. Believe in yourself and the ones who will be perceived as alien are those weirdos having a bromance conspiracy with one another in a Salsa dance class.

 

[starlight123]

Hello,

Have you tried Tempe or Scottsdale? Not sure if the distance to Phoenix is convenient but if it's no biggie maybe give Scottsdale a run. That is if it isn't a scenario where the people in the "scene" overlap throughout the state (as in dancers in Phoenix won't be found in Tempe) I'd say to stick to one city where that clown and his circus freak posse aren't to be found. Get your dance instruction and dance fix there. However once you establish yourself dance-wise get yourself a crew and head on over to the socials where what's his name and his boyfriend's hang out. By then you won't be intimidated no more. If there's anything Salsa dancers value it's a capable partner to enjoy themselves with. And if Arizona is anything like it was 25 years ago decent dancers are in demand. Dance your ass off with all his "bros" if they make themselves available. But leave you know who in the lurch.

With all due respect to dancers who've never experienced this I would say it is a part of the Salsa dance scene anywhere. If it's not happening, then great. But there's a pattern within the dance scenes where it rears its ugly head. That happens in NY, NJ, Chicago, L.A., S.D., S.F., etc. It's really a microcosm of society itself. Men can be immature slime and self-centered. That's just a fact and it spills into public community, cultural and leisurely activities. This happens at the workplace, church, school, athletic/sports environment, and even in the military. So it's not just a "thing" in the Salsa scene. It's a reality of life you have to be cognizant of and prepared for.

I'm sorry you had to go thru this and are mayhap still having to endure the snobbiness and stupidity of little boys in the local dance scene over there. But use it as a learning experience. Your best revenge would be to stick to your guns, continue to dance like no one is watching, and if he or one of his boy scouts give a pitiful dance practice response with no effort, don't be afraid to call them out publicly. Regardless of how cheap classes are you aren't paying $15 to dance with a bunch of sissy boys who are going to act dumb and give off weird vibes because one weirdo thought you were his girlfriend by default after three meetups. Look them in the eye and tell them "Is there something wrong with you? You're not high are you? Get it together then!" Get loud if you have to. Yell at the top of your lungs "Can I please get another partner!" Don't worry about being branded a diva. Because that's what they are acting like. They're nobody. They're learning just like you.

Lastly you're an adult and can make your own sound decisions. So take this with a grain of salt if you choose to. I recommend steering clear of anyone who wants to practice dancing "Salsa" with you but then makes a move, and at the very onset. It's predatory behavior. I don't care if he's a nice guy. That's a ploy many have done and is the reason they're in the scene in the first place. A genuine "nice guy" is patient, makes you feel comfortable and at ease, is ALL about practicing with you to improve, and is respectful throughout the friendly interaction and exchange. As time goes by and the interaction has dufficient mileage where YOU feel safe, then I'd say taking the next step would be a fair choice based on tge treatment history. Once a romantic intent surfaces at the very start though on the premise of innocent "practice" it's a recipe for disaster. Especially when a guy refers to you as "My lady" after only less than a handful of meetups? That's from "creep squad" playbook.

Your story is akin to so many others and I'm glad you didn't endure what other ladies have had to put up with from other dance newbies, dance veterans, and even dance instructors. The latter of whom are the worst of the lot.

Hang in there, don't be afraid to speak your mind to and at these dummies. Being confident is your suit of armor. Believe in yourself and the ones who will be perceived as alien are those weirdos having a bromance conspiracy with one another in a Salsa dance class.

Thank you I appreciate your guys' understanding. I'm awkward/loner and have no friends. I'm always studying/doing hw and working. I have social anxiety and have a hard time connecting with people. I moved out to phoenix on a whim from my small town and it's been a huge adjusment since. I've been through some things since moving here in 2019 including covid. I've been slowly trying to get myself out there at my own pace. This was making me feel so alone because I felt like I finally found a place to feel like I fit in and then this happens. See this is what I expect of the salsa scne: chill people who just want to have fun and improve their hobby. He is WEIRRD. Why me?? Why not target someone else??

 

[Al Israel]

Perhaps register for closed workshops instead of open classes, it will cost more but you can tell the instructor ahead of time that you are avoiding X so if he is in the same class you won't attend. That should solve the lesson angle. Another solution could be a slightly different dance style:
Casino/Cuban
La/On1
New York/On2

They are all fairly popular styles and he probably dances one primarily. A year from now this will probably seem like ancient history to you and then youwill feel more comfortable heading back to the same venues, instructors etc.

But this guy is a total ******* and this is a shitty situation, I would mention it to the instructor since that kind of behavior by him and his friends is probably ruining the general atmosphere and distancing the kind of people instructors and line managers aim to attract, friendly happy people who build things better rather than destroying what they work so hard for.

 

[Offbeat]

Hello thank you for responding. Yes this is really ugly. It's supposed to be a place for everyone not, " This is my turf" or some bs. The vibe I get is...he didn't get his way like he is used to and is bitter. I don't understand how he can't just ignore me back. I'm not that special, I'm a loner/awkward.. What is the big deal? It's so weird!!

I'm in Phoenix. I believe the scene is pretty active/big. The classes I go to are packed and when I went to that social there were lots of people there. There are like 6 venues to go to in phoenix that hold socials weekly at different times of the week. I go to 1-2 times a week at the beginner level classes at this studio near dt phoenix. They are really cheap classes, only $10-$15. I'm new to salsa and originally from a small, rural town so I don't have any other place to compare. The social I went to, there was quite a few people there. I actually haven't gone to a social since this date guy. But according to him, you'll see the same people from class go to certain places. So the scene is big but still small enough to see the same people. I actually like that but unfortunately if I go to one of these places regularly I'll likely run into him eventually.

It is good that you are in an active big scene. You are not stuck in a small town. he is a regular or becomes a regular, you might find him attending same socials. That is no biggie. At socials everyone has someone else they won’t dance with for one reason or the other. He doesn’t seem like he is established person in the scene. Unlikely he will have a lot of other regular dancers he can influence. You don’t know if he will last in the scene or not.

Good thing about activity like salsa is people don’t care whether you are introvert, extrovert, what you do, where you come from etc. Salsa attracts enough introverts and people who find it awkward to socialize. As long as you are and become fun to dance with people will ask you to dance. Most dancers won’t care who their friend dances with or doesn’t. People dance more with those they are familiar with. If you start going to socials regularly you will become a regular face. Is Phoenix slightly lead heavy? If it is that will also work out in your favor. An easy thing to do is when you start going to socials and see someone you recognize just say hello. You don’t have to indulge in small talk if that is not your thing. In USA dancers don’t smile much when dancing. Therefore it is fine if you feel awkward smiling.

Since the classes are packed, you can decide to skip him during the rotation. Other than one or two of his friends, most guys are not going to be influenced by him or pay heed to his antics. I doubt he or his friends will last long enough. Don’t assume his friends will stick up for him either. You can also take a class at different level that he doesn’t.

Do make friends with other girls in the class. Ask them where they go dancing. Or if they would like to go dancing. And guys too. By now you should be familiar with some people in the class who are regulars. If you stick to salsa for a few more months and go out social dancing at least once or twice a week, this will soon be a thing of past.

P.S. - As a beginner you may find many guys in it to look for a date. A lot of guys join salsa hoping to meet a girl. Once they become regular and start dancing, looking for a date takes a back seat. You seem to know how to set boundaries. If you become a good dancer, you will be popular. You can be a good beginner level dancer, a good intermediate level dancer, and so on. Guys feel comfortable dancing with those followers who are at similar level as them. Initially a follower can dance with more leaders of different levels than the other way round.

 

[starlight123]

It is good that you are in an active big scene. You are not stuck in a small town. he is a regular or becomes a regular, you might find him attending same socials. That is no biggie. At socials everyone has someone else they won’t dance with for one reason or the other. He doesn’t seem like he is established person in the scene. Unlikely he will have a lot of other regular dancers he can influence. You don’t know if he will last in the scene or not.

Good thing about activity like salsa is people don’t care whether you are introvert, extrovert, what you do, where you come from etc. Salsa attracts enough introverts and people who find it awkward to socialize. As long as you are and become fun to dance with people will ask you to dance. Most dancers won’t care who their friend dances with or doesn’t. People dance more with those they are familiar with. If you start going to socials regularly you will become a regular face. Is Phoenix slightly lead heavy? If it is that will also work out in your favor. An easy thing to do is when you start going to socials and see someone you recognize just say hello. You don’t have to indulge in small talk if that is not your thing. In USA dancers don’t smile much when dancing. Therefore it is fine if you feel awkward smiling.

Since the classes are packed, you can decide to skip him during the rotation. Other than one or two of his friends, most guys are not going to be influenced by him or pay heed to his antics. I doubt he or his friends will last long enough. Don’t assume his friends will stick up for him either. You can also take a class at different level that he doesn’t.

Do make friends with other girls in the class. Ask them where they go dancing. Or if they would like to go dancing. And guys too. By now you should be familiar with some people in the class who are regulars. If you stick to salsa for a few more months and go out social dancing at least once or twice a week, this will soon be a thing of past.

P.S. - As a beginner you may find many guys in it to look for a date. A lot of guys join salsa hoping to meet a girl. Once they become regular and start dancing, looking for a date takes a back seat. You seem to know how to set boundaries. If you become a good dancer, you will be popular. You can be a good beginner level dancer, a good intermediate level dancer, and so on. Guys feel comfortable dancing with those followers who are at similar level as them. Initially a follower can dance with more leaders of different levels than the other way round.

So I went to the female instructor at my studio today and the male instructor heard too. I told them about my situation and just wanted to scales to be balanced for everyone. They asked me to show him his instagram. I told them that I don't want anyone to get kicked out and the scales to be balanced for everyone. I asked if they can just drop a PSA the next time he is in and they said they will. The female instructor said he's a little different and gets frustrated easily at himself. She also advised me to maybe go up to him and try to talk it out (grr...). I told her I don't really want to do that because I don't feel like I should/scared of being bitten, but she said it's about being the first person and at least to try to work it out. I'm afraid if I do this, he's just going to get an ego boost and act like douche bag or even get mad at me... who knows. Any suggestions on how to handle that if that happens? Cause I literally suck at these things... It gets me SO anxious.

He has actually been coming longer than me and knows like all the places around the city where there are socials. He's in the intermediate level now. I told my father about this situation and he said that he probably does this to see what he can get. Either way, I just want peace. I don't care....

Question about going to socials as a beginner--- So how do I go about letting others know that I'm a beginner?

 

[1derpalm]

So I went to the female instructor at my studio today and the male instructor heard too. I told them about my situation and just wanted to scales to be balanced for everyone. They asked me to show him his instagram. I told them that I don't want anyone to get kicked out and the scales to be balanced for everyone. I asked if they can just drop a PSA the next time he is in and they said they will. The female instructor said he's a little different and gets frustrated easily at himself. She also advised me to maybe go up to him and try to talk it out (grr...). I told her I don't really want to do that because I don't feel like I should/scared of being bitten, but she said it's about being the first person and at least to try to work it out. I'm afraid if I do this, he's just going to get an ego boost and act like douche bag or even get mad at me... who knows. Any suggestions on how to handle that if that happens? Cause I literally suck at these things... It gets me SO anxious.

He has actually been coming longer than me and knows like all the places around the city where there are socials. He's in the intermediate level now. I told my father about this situation and he said that he probably does this to see what he can get. Either way, I just want peace. I don't care....

Question about going to socials as a beginner--- So how do I go about letting others know that I'm a beginner?

"Hi. Please go easy on me. I'm a beginner".
Anyone who has a problem with that isn't worth dancing with a second time.

 

[Governor Moonbeam]

He's in the intermediate level now.

Question about going to socials as a beginner--- So how do I go about letting others know that I'm a beginner?

Of course he is. It's the most dangerous level in salsa

You don't. They'll figure it out. I mean if someone you don't know asks just politely tell them. But plz don't apologize constantly for every move you shank, that can get tiresome. You need to find the goldilocks zone of "I'm a beginner but I have some pride". Good luck!

 

[1derpalm]

Of course he is. It's the most dangerous level in salsa

You don't. They'll figure it out. I mean if someone you don't know asks just politely tell them. But plz don't apologize constantly for every move you shank, that can get tiresome. You need to find the goldilocks zone of "I'm a beginner but I have some pride". Good luck!

I don't mind someone saying they're beginner. I mean... usually it's noticeable immediately. There are some beginners that feel a bit more like beginner improver (likely where the Dude in this story ACTUALLY is), and I'll tempt fate and fail. So I don't mind. The beginners that boggle my mind are the ones that can solo dance perfectly on the salsa rhythm and then it falls apart when they lock up.

 

[Bostontraitor]

Didn't read the whole thing but I can tell you a relationship is based on the mutual feelings. Just tell him to **** off. If all you are looking for is a hobby, you don't need this douchebag for dancing. You will dance with thousands men in your journey of dancing.

There are some guys in the dance scene just to chase booties. One guy here in my city, he would be the first one who jump on any attractive girl. He would talk to them, text them, go everywhere they attends. And he scored a few girls this way. So be aware. Don't get played.

 

[Offbeat]

So I went to the female instructor at my studio today and the male instructor heard too. I told them about my situation and just wanted to scales to be balanced for everyone. They asked me to show him his instagram. I told them that I don't want anyone to get kicked out and the scales to be balanced for everyone. I asked if they can just drop a PSA the next time he is in and they said they will. The female instructor said he's a little different and gets frustrated easily at himself. She also advised me to maybe go up to him and try to talk it out (grr...). I told her I don't really want to do that because I don't feel like I should/scared of being bitten, but she said it's about being the first person and at least to try to work it out. I'm afraid if I do this, he's just going to get an ego boost and act like douche bag or even get mad at me... who knows. Any suggestions on how to handle that if that happens? Cause I literally suck at these things... It gets me SO anxious.

He has actually been coming longer than me and knows like all the places around the city where there are socials. He's in the intermediate level now. I told my father about this situation and he said that he probably does this to see what he can get. Either way, I just want peace. I don't care....

Question about going to socials as a beginner--- So how do I go about letting others know that I'm a beginner?

They agreed to do a PSA. That’s a positive. They listened to you. What did you want them to say in PSA.

I think the female instructor doesn’t understand the situation or gravity of it for you. Did you make it clear it makes you feel anxious and he is acting like a bully? Not sure how much emphasis you put on not kicking him out. That wouldn’t have happened nor were you asking for it.

You could also write them an email or dm, summarizing your talk. Thank them for hearing you out and being helpful. That upon reflection you don’t wish to be first to talk to him because it makes you very anxious. You feel bullied and you wish taking classes won’t cause you to feel uncomfortable due to actions of one particular person. Written word gets message across better and it is always good to establish a trail.

You should stand your ground. You can tell both instructors that you don’t wish to dance with the bully boy. If she brings up again, tell her that if a 39 year old man wishes to be childish, it is not your responsibility to humor him. He is a bully and it is up to them as authority figures to talk to him in whichever way they think will stop him from making you uncomfortable.

Only thing you tell bully boy is exactly the same, if he ever confronts you for skipping him during the rotation. Tell him that he is behaving like a bully, making you uncomfortable, and hence it is best that you both don’t dance with each other. You are only telling if he ever were to ask.


Don’t be afraid of him. He is stupid if he doesn’t back off after you ignore him. He is immature.

If you ever feel assertive next time he is playing his childish games walk right up to him and ask him “Do you have a problem? Stop being bitter and trying to harass me because I refused to practice at your home”. Walk away. That will send a loud message to him, his pals and everyone within the ear shot. It could make him more bitter but he will probably try hard to stop showing he is bitter. If he continues antics then he definitely needs to be kicked out.

————

When out social dancing:

You don’t have to tell anyone you are a beginner. A leader who is not a beginner will be able to tell your skill level after 20-30 seconds of dancing. It is no big deal. We dance with beginners all the time. Almost everyone dances with beginners. Dancers are generally welcoming of beginners. That’s how we all started. As I said it is easy to tell someone is a beginner. Since you have been taking classes for a few months you might be surprised. To some beginner guys you might not appear as a beginner.

Also don’t be apologetic about being beginner or making mistakes. Laugh it off if mistakes happen. Only time to apologize is if you accidentally hit someone when dancing. It is understood that miscues and mistakes will happen.

Social dancing is more fun and about having fun. Go out social dancing at least once a week. Twice if you can. The more you go out, the better your dancing will get. Also more people will ask you to dance the more they see you dancing.

 

[Al Israel]

"Hi. Please go easy on me. I'm a beginner".
Anyone who has a problem with that isn't worth dancing with a second time.

At least attribute the quote to the philosopher!

 

[bailar y tocar]

The female instructor said he's a little different and gets frustrated easily at himself.

She also advised me to maybe go up to him and try to talk it out (grr...).

She is saying he is a weirdo or creep.
That is her job but she is creeped out by him also.

Phoenix is a big metro, The fifth largest in the US, superseded only by NYC, LA, Chicago and Houston. There will be many many other dance studios. Try some of the others and see what happens. I have no idea where they are or what they are called but a metro that size has at least 6-7 dance studios where salsa is a big part of their program.

 

[Amun]

based on your short version: tbh unless it's the only class in your town, I would drop out. Depending on how visible his behaviour is, you might or might not tell the instructor but personally, unless you have some friends there, I wouldn't bother and just find myself a new class.

 

[1derpalm]

They agreed to do a PSA. That’s a positive. They listened to you. What did you want them to say in PSA.

I think the female instructor doesn’t understand the situation or gravity of it for you. Did you make it clear it makes you feel anxious and he is acting like a bully? Not sure how much emphasis you put on not kicking him out. That wouldn’t have happened nor were you asking for it.

You could also write them an email or dm, summarizing your talk. Thank them for hearing you out and being helpful. That upon reflection you don’t wish to be first to talk to him because it makes you very anxious. You feel bullied and you wish taking classes won’t cause you to feel uncomfortable due to actions of one particular person. Written word gets message across better and it is always good to establish a trail.

You should stand your ground. You can tell both instructors that you don’t wish to dance with the bully boy. If she brings up again, tell her that if a 39 year old man wishes to be childish, it is not your responsibility to humor him. He is a bully and it is up to them as authority figures to talk to him in whichever way they think will stop him from making you uncomfortable.

Only thing you tell bully boy is exactly the same, if he ever confronts you for skipping him during the rotation. Tell him that he is behaving like a bully, making you uncomfortable, and hence it is best that you both don’t dance with each other. You are only telling if he ever were to ask.


Don’t be afraid of him. He is stupid if he doesn’t back off after you ignore him. He is immature.

If you ever feel assertive next time he is playing his childish games walk right up to him and ask him “Do you have a problem? Stop being bitter and trying to harass me because I refused to practice at your home”. Walk away. That will send a loud message to him, his pals and everyone within the ear shot. It could make him more bitter but he will probably try hard to stop showing he is bitter. If he continues antics then he definitely needs to be kicked out.

————

When out social dancing:

You don’t have to tell anyone you are a beginner. A leader who is not a beginner will be able to tell your skill level after 20-30 seconds of dancing. It is no big deal. We dance with beginners all the time. Almost everyone dances with beginners. Dancers are generally welcoming of beginners. That’s how we all started. As I said it is easy to tell someone is a beginner. Since you have been taking classes for a few months you might be surprised. To some beginner guys you might not appear as a beginner.

Also don’t be apologetic about being beginner or making mistakes. Laugh it off if mistakes happen. Only time to apologize is if you accidentally hit someone when dancing. It is understood that miscues and mistakes will happen.

Social dancing is more fun and about having fun. Go out social dancing at least once a week. Twice if you can. The more you go out, the better your dancing will get. Also more people will ask you to dance the more they see you dancing.

One of my old students (I was her first. Yes I know that I don't have the approved credentials. I introduced her to better opportunities and now she is training to teach and is very good) was at a social and was seeing a guy. Another guy was trying to convince her to hit it up. She kept saying no. One night he tried to kiss her. She said absolutely not. His answer was "Come on. I'm not trying to hear that".
She went to the guy she THOUGHT she was seeing and another lady. And they both said she just has to put him in his place. Tsk tsk. She already did and it wasn't enough. I just can't believe other ladies know this goes on and don't black ball him. It makes me extra mad since I 8 produced her to that seen (I am not in that scene. I am too low on the totem pole I guess).

 

[Mambero75]

DEFINITELY tell someone you trust in the scene what's going on.

You'll be surprised how many people will be in your corner. He has all the characteristics of a controlling individual, and you've made the right move blocking him.

The more people who know about his behaviour, the more he will moderate it and realise he is in the wrong.

We are living in an age now where controlling behaviour is better understood and being called out for what it is.

 

[Bostontraitor]

Question about going to socials as a beginner--- So how do I go about letting others know that I'm a beginner?

Here is a tip for you:
There are guys that go to social just for dancing. You can easily spot those guys. They will be dancing with one girl then quickly move to another girl when the song is over. They don't chat much. They don't spend time to think which girl to ask for a dance. And you will see pretty much every girl will dance with them, because they are good dancers not because they are sweet talkers.

And if you are beginner, just start the dance with "I am a beginner. I will try my best to follow your lead." If that guy still decide to do anything beyond your skill. He's an *******, no need to dance with him again.

 

[dadada_486]

Hello everyone. I need some advice on this situation. I've never experienced someone/a situation like this before. I needed somewhere to let this out because it makes me uncomfortable. I'm trying my best to not let it get to me and have fun/learn, but it's hard.

Short version: I met a guy shortly after starting up salsa classes 3 months ago. It didn't work out and I ended up blocking him for reasons of self preservation. Now if I have a class with him he goes out of his way to try to make me uncomfortable by getting his bros in on it too. They treat me in this weird, shitty way when I have to dance with them and they snicker at me/watch me at the beginning or ending of class. I feel targeted/retaliated against. I want to go the instructors about it but I'm kinda intimidated since it seems like he might be in their circle more based off of what he's told me. What's crazy to me is he's 39(I'm 27)... you'd think he would know better.

Full story: I started salsa classes in December to try something new/different. I'm pretty busy with school/work and wanted to add in some kind of hobby to give me balance. I had no idea about how salsa worked and "the scene." I love the whole concept and it's just a great, positive way to spend your time. On top of that, I'm also shy, very socially anxious, and reserved so I wanted to try something to help me break out of my shell. Anyways, shortly after starting I met a guy who seemed really cool to practice with. He is a beginner/intermediate and is way more familiar with the scene than I am. He knows where all the spots are for the socials around my city and was the one who brought it to my attention that there's a salsa scene. I didn't know what to expect, I thought I just found someone who was artsy/cool and wanted to improve on this hobby. We hung out 3 times in a week to practice, including going to a social. However those practice sessions were more like dates which I didn't expect....It turned out though that I was really connecting with him and having a lot of fun. It was a really beautiful/romantic experience for me (no s*x btw), but it felt like things were going way too fast/overwhelming. I couldn't trust it yet cause I didn't feel like I knew him well enough yet (only hung out for 3 days), and he also said some weird/sus things throughout all of that but I was still wanting to give him a chance. He was already calling pet names like, "My lady" after our first practice session. He is also a guy who wants to be in charge of everything. Like he was making it a point to control where we go, where we practiced, where we ate. Very very forward too and does all the talking. He kinda gave me bad boy vibes or whatever which made me not sure about him but still giving him a chance.

Anyways, after that first week, he kinda dips out for a week and I don't see him at class but he is still texting me a lot. That's understandable but when he comes back, he invites me to his home for practice. This is the conversation that made everything crumble. For me, I just don't like going to men's houses if I don't know them very well. I politely declined and said I'm not comfortable just yet with going to his place even though we had a lot of fun and would rather practice outside still. I also told him how I didn't expect things to become so romantic and I also let him know that I'm not into flings if that's what he is wanting. Well this made him mad and he was like, "I don't want a fling either. So do you not want me to show interest in you? I'm showing interest in you that's normal" And I was like no that's not it..I know we had fun I just said I'm not comfortable with going to your house yet and just expressing how I feel about the pace of things. he was just like, "Wellp, so much for practice then." And I explained to him that I'm not trying to come at him I'm just trying to be honest cause it was just a lot of energy coming at me. He started saying he understood and says good communication is key but then he was still like, "Well I'll think about finding a place to eat and practice." I even suggested a place we could go to practice. This just seemed like he got his ego bruised and he had to play these cards to get the upper hand when i was trying to be real with him.. I gave him a few hours to respond and he didn't so I blocked him. It felt like bs to me and I don't have time for that.. I felt SO horrible to do that, it literally felt like I cut off my fingers cause our connection was so sweet, but I felt like I was going to get hurt if I moved forward with him. I don't think he saw that coming and expected me to just stick around seeing how he acts now.

Fast forward a couple months later to now. Well if I have a class with him which varies he is doing all sorts of things to try to make me uncomfortable. He watches me, he plays eye darting games like if I happen to accidentally look at him he will look away, he has little buddies that he talks to and they treat me different. They will corral off to the side and obviously be talking about me/looking at me. And then when I dance with one of them including him he puts like no effort into the dance and they are just very stoic/rude when before they were very nice to me. I try my best to ignore them and just act normal but I feel hatred emitting from him, and it's very uncomfortable. and for what? Because I didn't jump into bed with him? If he felt the same connection as I did and is hurt, then why pull those stupid cards? There's no way I can tell how you are after 3 days of hanging out.

I had a class yesterday. I feel like some more men that I have seen since I've coming here have been treating me differently. None of it adds up to me and I feel targeted/bullied. Anyone been in a situation or seen a situation like this?? Is this a thing in the salsa scene?

This is why relationships in a dance scene can get messy, but it seems your ex is extremely immature and unhealthy for the dance scene. I mean think of the number of people who do find their SO while dancing. It's hard to believe they would act like this guy.

The thing is, what you describe is fairly unlikely in my dance scene. I live in a very big city, and every there are more than 4 places to dance. Your chances of actually bumping into some you know is actually quite slim. Sometimes you might think you will see someone again, but you probably won't. Perhaps go to another place for a while, and improve your dancing there. Make your own friends and then one day he will be dancing on your turf!