Dance Rejection

TikiTaka said:
Most rejections I've had were when I had never danced with the girl before. Half of the times it was just "no thanks" and half of the times "I need to rest".
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Most my rejections are very confusing. She would either say "Next song" or "One second". Some of them would be putting their hands on my shoulder while doing that. I get confused and my favorite song is gone if I wait for them. If I move on (and do not wait for them) next time they do not dance with me. If I put them on my DNA list it grows.

Sometimes they come back a few songs later may even look at me(do not directly ask) I am still confused by the first interaction.

One of the girls once accepted my dance, we barely started to dance then she said "Oh wait I have to talk to my friend". She did not come back. (This girl had a dance with me previous week and she said she really liked the dance).

Then one of her friends was dancing with me a few days later. She would pull her out of the dance and whispered something into the friend's ear. Her friend said "wait" and disappeared. I do not ask neither of them anymore. I do not for a second think that I did anything weird with them.

Its Latin dance floor in many cities. I do not think girls have nefarious intentions. Its their way teasing us. I do not think they care or know about ballroom etiquette.

I have noticed its different from city to city. Its also different between salsa vs bachata (most of the weird rejections happen in bachata scene).
 
I also danced WCS, tango, country. Nowhere else its as confusing as salsa.

In everywhere else if you are a known face, girls start to accept you. NOs are a lot clear
 
NPEADS said:
Its Latin dance floor in many cities. I do not think girls have nefarious intentions. Its their way teasing us. I do not think they care or know about ballroom etiquette.
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Why do you think they reject you? what you described is unusual and I haven't experienced it myself

but I heard girls talk about poor experience with guys who have bad hygiene or rough dangerous leads (e.g dipping hard) or dance too close up, etc

I'm not saying that's you, but I'm curios as to why do you think the girls are treating you this way? I don't think it's the dance style, this is just an unusual behaviours
 
NPEADS said:
In many culture or dance scenes rejections are very normal. If you are a single male going to dance at a place where no one knows you, in some dance scenes you will face a few rejections.

Girls or guys will say rejections are because you cannot dance or you smell bad or you are creepy.

Watch the guys who gets rejected. Tell us back if any of these are true.

There are types of rejections.

1) She is very happy that you asked her. She will still reject you to test you.
2) She is avoiding you. She is happy that you did not ask. She does not want to dance with you. She is actively avoiding being asked by you.
3) She does not know you. She already had a few dances or there are many guys interested in dancing with her. She rejects you because of the odds.

Girls just feel more comfortable with some guys. Being nice, being empathetic to girls or other guys would not help.

Things that I have found useful is described below ( I have used the term "you", its applicable to me as well).

1) Go take the class and most girls in the class will dance with you if you danced with them during a rotation.
She already danced with you for the rotation. Even if you are a horrible dancer, she has already accepted you. Most likely she will do it again.

2) Once girls in the class are dancing with you other girls will dance with you regardless of your dance skills.

3) If you are going to a social where a couple of girls know you then all the girls will dance with you,

4) A black list does not work(specially if male to female ratio is high). Asking the same girl a few times almost always work (Girls reward these guys, they ask for dances from these guys later, because they are sure these guys like them). They like being asked multiple times. Watch how latin/italian/greek guys chase girls. Salsa scenes are influenced by that.

5) Many times the girl will say I am taking a rest. If you do not wait for her she might take it as a rejection. If you wait for her and her favorite dancer asks her she might break all the laws and dance with him. You can put her in the black list in girls' dictionary the other guy made her dance and you did not. Rules are based on ballroom dance etiquette. It does not go well with salsa. Latin girls will not follow the ballroom etiquette. Other girls will follow their behavior

6) Girls are passive. Many girls who come to the dance floor are single. They have love-interest (no matter how vague or distant it is).

7) Dance schools may have a different culture than latin socials. Even in dance schools you may be the most popular guy among the girls and some day many girls may be annoyed at you for no reason.

8) Some circles have a high female to male ratio and girls do not reject as much. Popular girls will still reject a few guys
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Uhmmmm...... most of this is wayyyyy off the mark...

At least in my experience anyway.

I have a lot of female friends and I know that the number 1 reason for rejection is that they genuinely need to rest or are limiting the number of dances they are having that night. Number 2 is that they don't like the guy for whatever reason, either he smells, is a bad forceful lead, or is creepy.

I have been rejected but every time it's because she is clearly tired and is limiting her dancing. She may only be interested in dancing with people she knows or the very best dancers that night and that is OK.
 
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NPEADS said:
Most my rejections are very confusing. She would either say "Next song" or "One second". Some of them would be putting their hands on my shoulder while doing that. I get confused and my favorite song is gone if I wait for them. If I move on (and do not wait for them) next time they do not dance with me. If I put them on my DNA list it grows.

Sometimes they come back a few songs later may even look at me(do not directly ask) I am still confused by the first interaction.

One of the girls once accepted my dance, we barely started to dance then she said "Oh wait I have to talk to my friend". She did not come back. (This girl had a dance with me previous week and she said she really liked the dance).

Then one of her friends was dancing with me a few days later. She would pull her out of the dance and whispered something into the friend's ear. Her friend said "wait" and disappeared. I do not ask neither of them anymore. I do not for a second think that I did anything weird with them.

Its Latin dance floor in many cities. I do not think girls have nefarious intentions. Its their way teasing us. I do not think they care or know about ballroom etiquette.

I have noticed its different from city to city. Its also different between salsa vs bachata (most of the weird rejections happen in bachata scene).
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I had experienced pretty much all kinds of rejections. Some girls have good reasons, some girls don't. My take is always moving on to the next girl. some girls will be on your favor list, some girls will be your blacklist. I have a long list for both. Girls in my city are like endless supply, and my journey of dancing is fun for the most part.
 
During last week I was rejected so many times, I felt like I'm in NYC. Good thing that the more parties I go in this area the more I get asked. But in each village one has to start anew.
Or I should finally learn how to dance properly. Which has a downside, because great dancers don't ask me to dance proper salsa.

Also what I notice that girls want bachata and kizomba so much that to get a lot of good salsa dances I'll need to learn those.
 
Lol rejections are confusing sometimes. Previosuly I wrote about a girl that rejected me three times without ever dancing with me. A few months later she asks me for dances several times throughout the night and says she loves dancing with me.

The exact same thing also happened with another girl. First a bunch of rejections. After finally dancing with me she says she loves dancing with me and asks me for dances every time we meet. Yesterday all of a sudden she rejects all my invitations because she needed to rest.
 
TikiTaka said:
Lol rejections are confusing sometimes. Previosuly I wrote about a girl that rejected me three times without ever dancing with me. A few months later she asks me for dances several times throughout the night and says she loves dancing with me.

The exact same thing also happened with another girl. First a bunch of rejections. After finally dancing with me she says she loves dancing with me and asks me for dances every time we meet. Yesterday all of a sudden she rejects all my invitations because she needed to rest.
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Maybe she really needed to rest if she danced with you happily before. The more I go to salsa I think many rejections without a reason (e.g. keeps rejecting without even dancing with you) might be just precautions, especially if she already has a bad night. When I encounter too many bad dances I am more cautious about who to dance with so I don't ruin my night even more. Personally, I heavily prefer to dance with those I know than with complete strangers.
 
Amun said:
Maybe she really needed to rest if she danced with you happily before. The more I go to salsa I think many rejections without a reason (e.g. keeps rejecting without even dancing with you) might be just precautions, especially if she already has a bad night. When I encounter too many bad dances I am more cautious about who to dance with so I don't ruin my night even more. Personally, I heavily prefer to dance with those I know than with complete strangers.
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Yeah, but after being rejected twice I will be less likely to ask again.
 
TikiTaka said:
Lol rejections are confusing sometimes. Previosuly I wrote about a girl that rejected me three times without ever dancing with me. A few months later she asks me for dances several times throughout the night and says she loves dancing with me.

The exact same thing also happened with another girl. First a bunch of rejections. After finally dancing with me she says she loves dancing with me and asks me for dances every time we meet. Yesterday all of a sudden she rejects all my invitations because she needed to rest.
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Schizophrenic!!

Did she come and ask after resting? I guess not :)
 
TikiTaka said:
Lol rejections are confusing sometimes. Previosuly I wrote about a girl that rejected me three times without ever dancing with me. A few months later she asks me for dances several times throughout the night and says she loves dancing with me.

The exact same thing also happened with another girl. First a bunch of rejections. After finally dancing with me she says she loves dancing with me and asks me for dances every time we meet. Yesterday all of a sudden she rejects all my invitations because she needed to rest.
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I call such dancers as hot and cold. They will tell you how much they like dancing with you and how fun it is. Others won’t vocalize it. But on some days will react by avoiding.

Amun said:
Maybe she really needed to rest if she danced with you happily before. The more I go to salsa I think many rejections without a reason (e.g. keeps rejecting without even dancing with you) might be just precautions, especially if she already has a bad night. When I encounter too many bad dances I am more cautious about who to dance with so I don't ruin my night even more. Personally, I heavily prefer to dance with those I know than with complete strangers.
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Most guys will stop after two rejections in a night. A few after three rejections. Only those with pathologically disconnected emotional system or hopelessly infatuated will try 4th time :D It really confuses men. Some will just stop asking. Till the girl resets by asking them.

If you are having a bad night, it is better to say so than plain reject when it comes to someone you like to dance with. Men can understand that. People can’t read minds and men are more oblivious to these matters :) Other option is to later go and ask the rejectee.
 
I can relate to a lot in this thread. In my experience, there are many factors. I stopped caring a bit, but it's not easy we are human. I am not the most attractive guy, I am chunky, so always had that on the back of my mind. A bit quiet by nature. I don't think I am a bad dancer (at least been told by a few that they never heard someone had a bad dance with me). The local scene is great and encouraging.

But whenever I have been off the local scene to a random night. I feel a bit of hesitation from followers when I ask someone to dance. Normally after 3 different rejections, I just leave the place. Nowadays I have a strategy to work my way into the dancing scene.
  1. Attend a class if there is one before. strike conversation simple chit-chat so my face is familiar, and join as many Ruedas (for salsa) during the social.
  2. Start with beginners on dance rather than randomly asking someone. TBH I find the best dances I have is with beginners at away locations. they say they are beginners but they are not. Once you are a familiar face dancing it's easier to ask a random follower on the dance floor that you bumped into. also, someone who is not been asked to dance and you see them standing and no one asking them to dance.
  3. Be presentable with smart clothes (change of shirts and towel) and nice smelling aftershave etc
  4. Try to speak the language of the country you visit. At least a few words, intro, etc
  5. Don’t ask for a dance twice.
  6. Have a smile on your face.
All this but I haven’t ever had a night with at least one rejection outside my local scene. It leaves me sometimes feeling low about myself. Even though I tell myself I shouldn't care. I still enjoy what I can and am thankful to those who danced with me.
 
erbma said:
All this but I haven’t ever had a night with at least one rejection outside my local scene. It leaves me sometimes feeling low about myself. Even though I tell myself I shouldn't care. I still enjoy what I can and am thankful to those who danced with me.
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Going out dancing in another scene can be rough. I’ve always found skill to be the great equalizer in dance. I always do better in high skill ceiling scenes than low ceiling ones. But there will always be a subset of people who prefer to dance with people they know or with someone with high status. Best thing is not to take it too seriously and enjoy the dances you have.
 
Chris_Yannick said:
But there will always be a subset of people who prefer to dance with people they know or with someone with high status.
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I call then benchers - rather sit there all night or pretend to be DJ (and play the worse music) ... personally I absolutely hate benching... I would have had 10 great dances plus lead a lady and they will still be sitting there and still refused to dance with me ... luckily a lot of people (I hope most) do love dancing with me nowadays so I can be the one who ignore them.

Recently I had an interesting experience, I was visiting a friend in another country, and of course I was trying out the local scene, I visited the local salsa school (opened by a famous couple) in the city and did a class, the first night at the party I bumped into a few students had a blast with everyone, and few of them turn out to be local big shots and promoters. I did feel some had resentment but they didn't reject. I was thinking omg everyone is so friendly here...then the night after I went again, didn't recognise many anymore and of course I tried to ask around...think average had to ask 3 times to get 1 dance it was painful... I am a follow and this never happened to me before. The funny thing is most of these rejections are pointless, they mostly turn out to be mediocre dancers including the "looks like" big shots, and some of them seem to have panics when they see me dancing.... anyway in the end I couldn't be bothered anymore and went to have drinks with my friends. Also girls in the city seem to never ask, so maybe they were really confused... I am like have they even been to congress to see how girls chasing leads? I am mostly only asking people already on the floor - the bump in approach.
 
xoc123 said:
I call then benchers - rather sit there all night or pretend to be DJ (and play the worse music) ... personally I absolutely hate benching... I would have had 10 great dances plus lead a lady and they will still be sitting there and still refused to dance with me ... luckily a lot of people (I hope most) do love dancing with me nowadays so I can be the one who ignore them.
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We have them here too. They only want to dance with their own small circle of people. My recent rejection was from a girl as you call bencher. She was just sitting on the stage and looking for dance. I have seen her dance before. Honestly I consider her below my skill level but she said: "no thanks, I am good" to me. well, okay, I tried. I won't ask again.

Everytime when a girl askes me for a dance, I am not just grateful, i am flattered. "Yes, of course, i would love to."
 
xoc123 said:
I call then benchers - rather sit there all night or pretend to be DJ
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Maybe I should know this by now, but what is the deal with "benchers" ? What's the point of going to a dance social only to sit on a bench? Especially if you have at least some dancing skill?

Maybe it's just me, but I can enjoy dancing with follows at just about any skill level. In fact, I actually prefer my first dance of the evening to be with someone at a lower skill level for warming up purposes.
 
I was in a dance weekender two states away recently. Now that I think of it, I don't worry much about dance rejection as much. I got some very good feedback regarding my leading style while I was there. And that's good - I like the assurance that I'm doing something right. And these were good dancers.

I have what I call "magic tricks" in salsa. One involves a hammer lock, inside turn, and then can result in either a cross handed hold or a standard hold. They often find them amusing, which is rewarding to me.
 
Bostontraitor said:
We have them here too. They only want to dance with their own small circle of people. My recent rejection was from a girl as you call bencher. She was just sitting on the stage and looking for dance. I have seen her dance before. Honestly I consider her below my skill level but she said: "no thanks, I am good" to me.
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Wow, had she seen you dance? I personally wouldn't take to kindly to that comment. Was she an instructor, performer or artist even? Even if she were, it wouldn't be right to say that. She could still reject you but not saying something horrible like that!

Usually when I dance with someone who clearly is good and has a ton of experience, I try my best, but would never ask her for another dance in the same night, unless if it was super quiet or if she asked me, then my confidence would rise to heavenly levels :D
 
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dadada_486 said:
Wow, had she seen you dance? I personally wouldn't take to kindly to that comment. Was she an instructor, performer or artist even? Even if she were, it wouldn't be right to say that. She could still reject you but not saying something horrible like that!

Usually when I dance with someone who clearly is good and has a ton of experience, I try my best, but would never ask her for another dance in the same night, unless if it was super quiet or if she asked me, then my confidence would rise to heavenly levels :D
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I'm good means "no thank you," not that she told him that her own abilities are too good to dance with him.
 
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