Should you/how to act on a crush in the dance scene?

S

smiling28

Moderator
Hey,

I know this topic has been done to death but can we get a general guide on what to do he he.


Case study:

My 'friend' (tis true) has a serious crush on a girl and developing more intensity by the day (I have not even asked who but he is a very experienced person in the scene so I would imagine the girl is a regular).

Anyway, I have learnt from my limited experience in this regard *whistles innocently....


(also I note that I am better at talking the talk than walking the walk......*still whistling innocently....)


I have told him:


In short:
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Try and get to know the girl slowly outside of class as friends first and see where it goes.

The long version....
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1) There are NO general rules :)
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- It is VERY common to have crushes/attraction in dancing. No one is saying you will be the same or you will be different just note that it is common thus you must approach it respecting the environment/situation

2) Take it SLOWLY & RESPECTFULLY
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- You need to be respectful of the fact that regardless of why someone dances, (work, play etc) they spend a lot of time in the environment and it is valuable to them that it be safe/secure/positive.
- Thus no hard feelings and the focus should be on a good environment first and foremost :)


3) Get to know the person outside of dancing
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- Recognise that your feelings/attraction is based on dance scene so treat it like something to FOLLOW UP on but not build from so to speak. You do not know him/her until you meet them outside of dancing.
- Dancing is only one part of life and should be weighted accordingly when gauging the relationship especially when you consider looking after your partner after a bout of intense food poisoning up til 5am on a worknight compared to looking glamourous on the dance floor....

3) Communicate!
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- about goals/priorities/lifestyle both in and out of dance especially depending on where you want to go and if you guys dont work out dating.

4) Recognise that there are no rules
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- he he, even if you have a fail safe, communicated and agreed backup plan if things dont work out this can all be disintegrated in an instant (eg. yes but I agreed all that before but things have changed...)

- be ready to change environments/take a break if necessary if things don't work out.
- Note that if you are in the community a long time, a reputation will be built :)

So what else can you guys add (especially the girls.) :)

Perhaps we can get a

'do' list

and a 'dont do' list

in these situations :)
 
p.s I find the biggest challenges in this situation (dance crushes) is that your feelings intensify even though you do not get to know the person better (eg. just from seeing them at dancing).

This then leads to a risk/reward scenario. The risk is so great that it wont work as you really dont know the person. But the reward is so great because you don't know the person but you just feel so...............................so..............................*swoon and feint


he he :) :) :)
 
smiling28 said:
Dancing is only one part of life and should be weighted accordingly when gauging the relationship especially when you consider looking after your partner after a bout of intense food poisoning up til 5am on a worknight compared to looking glamourous on the dance floor....
Click to expand...

Mate, did you read my mind? Lol. This was exactly what happened to my SO! And needless to say I was by her side all the way until the next afternoon.
 
Playfully punch her on the arm. This will subtlety let her know you're interested.

If she doesn't get the message keep hitting her on the arm harder and harder until she realises.
 
I would recommend this to your *friend* (not another one! hehe):

- Relax and don't over-think things.

- Use humour to joke around and flirt with her at the same time and thereby see if she's interested. If he get's enough indication of interest (if she's interested she'll make it obvious, women are often the initiators in a relationship) your *friend* can think about talking with her more seriously/asking her out. Otherwise no harm done since you were only joking anyway.
 
spotcat said:
Playfully punch her on the arm. This will subtlety let her know you're interested.

If she doesn't get the message keep hitting her on the arm harder and harder until she realises.
Click to expand...


I tried that one but am now banned from that particular club and the restraining order prevents me from being within 200 metres of the object of my "affections", who is now out of hospital, so I'm told ;)
 
I've a serious question to add to this. Say you've seen the same person and been dacing with them for a while.

You ask them out. They say no/are already involved in a relationship etc.

Will it feel strange to continue to dance with them? For either party?
 
himji said:
I've a serious question to add to this. Say you've seen the same person and been dacing with them for a while.

You ask them out. They say no/are already involved in a relationship etc.

Will it feel strange to continue to dance with them? For either party?
Click to expand...

That can only be answered by you and her. It totally depends on your own attitudes and how serious (obsessive)/anxious you each are. Some people can just laugh it off and go on dancing...
 
"The quickest way to a girl's bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you're in"
 
Ah yes, currently in the same boat...

azzey said:
I would recommend this to your *friend* (not another one! hehe):

- Relax and don't over-think things.

- Use humour to joke around and flirt with her at the same time and thereby see if she's interested. If he get's enough indication of interest (if she's interested she'll make it obvious, women are often the initiators in a relationship) your *friend* can think about talking with her more seriously/asking her out. Otherwise no harm done since you were only joking anyway.
Click to expand...

You can joke around, be at your most sarcastic and playful while practicing, in a performance group or dancing socially and it start to fall flat when you go out. The dynamic seems to change drastically. That said I wouldn't know if women are the initiators since I'm often too oblivious and even more often when it's so obvious I can't miss it, I'm put off by the sheer aggressiveness.

Personally, if you like the chick, ask her out. No ********, no games, just ask her to grab coffee. Talk about salsa, or her favorite flavor of ice cream...whatever, but get on with it. Nothing is more annoying than the build-up. The only time I'd consider anything else, is if by asking her out, you affect other people, but it's just coffee ffs. It only becomes a big deal if you make it a big deal.

Of course I don't take my own advice, but I've got my own issues.

himji said:
I've a serious question to add to this. Say you've seen the same person and been dacing with them for a while.

You ask them out. They say no/are already involved in a relationship etc.

Will it feel strange to continue to dance with them? For either party?
Click to expand...

Strictly my opinion on this: I'd imagine that it would get easier with time. If neither of you are prone to drama then make an effort to show there is no problem between the two of you and with time it gets easier. Returning to a state of normalcy is important, but you can't force it, you have to guide it there. Again salsa is a metaphor for life's problems.

Being cordial next time you see them, the same way you have been in the past is part of it, but eventually ask them to dance again. If the two of you had good dance chemistry, there's no reason to break that once everything is back to normal. Girls don't want to lead on guys, yet this dance is structured to provide a platform for each party to do just that. What makes it work is that each accepts there is nothing behind it and walks away after the dance. To return to that same state when you've shown that you have an interest in breaking that natural order of things takes finesse, but I don't see why it can't be done assuming she's not crazy (ahemm) and he's not bitter (ahemm).
 
himji said:
I've a serious question to add to this. Say you've seen the same person and been dacing with them for a while.

You ask them out. They say no/are already involved in a relationship etc.

Will it feel strange to continue to dance with them? For either party?
Click to expand...

It so depends on how you react to the knockback. Essential not to appear to give much of a monkey's about it or she starts to feel guilty then blames you for the guilty etc. Best to ask before you get yourself in knots, when a no can be met with a genuine "Well I guess it's strictly dancing only then, I guess I'll take that". If she gets a "you are my world and in my mind we've already tried all positions and if I can't have you no-one can" vibe then you are dead in the water before you ask :-)
 
thanks all good points. Pretty much what I guessed but it's not often I'm in a position where I'd ask somebody out that I'm very likely to not only see again but interract with.

"you are my world and in my mind we've already tried all positions and if I can't have you no-one can"

LMAO, if that's the starting point then you're already lost!
 
I think so much of this conversation completely depends on how the guy treats the response...both positive and negative....I work in the nightclub industry so I see the male/female dynamics every single weekend, all weekend long. Bottom line is let your intentions be known upfront in a casual way and be playful, chicks like compliments so dont hesitate to throw something out and follow up with a casual invite to coffee like opm said. If you get the im involved or just vibe that shes not interested DO NOT let the uncomfortable moment linger, immediately be like o right on good for u lucky guy. Give her a high five and that always breaks the tension and lets her know that you didnt get destroyed. Believe me if you show that level of confidence you may be setting yourself up for the future. She will be like wow he didnt even flinch at that rejection...hes so confident. At the same time if she does say yes dont become overbearing about hanging out either. If she flakes or doesnt return a call dont be like "what happened" next time you see her just be like o no problem maybe we try again sometime. The less emphasis you put on the whole thing the less tension will ever be created and you wont have to deal with uncomfortable situations and be able to continue to dance and have a good time regardless of what happens.
 
Imho salsa is not too different to dating in any social/work circle you belong to, ie you just have to tread more carefully because they will probably remain in your circle.

You have the ideal opportunity to get to know them at salsa and find out about them over time so you really should have an idea if they are interested/available.

Mostly I find being asked flattering, difficult if they won't take no for an answer and hey I even say yes sometimes ;)

Bottom line, so long as noone is made to feel uncomfortable then why not.
 
i think it's actually very different, but that's a different conversation and for another thread.

from the girl's perspective, how willing are women to go back to normal after they've been asked out and had to say no...while I've never been in the situation I've seen uneeded, immature tension and not because the guy did anything to make it worse. I think guys after a rejection usually just want to move on like nothing happened...
 
Well it's a community and yes each have their own intricacies. So I agree with you and me! It's complex and there are quite a few threads about dating at salsa. Just keep it light.

The girls perspective was what I was trying to explain so sorry I did a bad job :(
 
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