Should I be upset with my girlfriend staying out late dancing?

[Bust3ralex]

Hey, everyone!

I'm really new here but I've already read some threads on accepting the fact that my girlfriend loves to dance salsa and that means dancing with other guys. I still have yet to talk to her about it but I feel that all will fare well. I've already told her that I didn't like her dancing with other men (some her age, some 20 years older and married). But now I feel like I have a different view on it. That you become "desensitized" to the touching. And that if your relationship healthy (which I believe ours is), then I have nothing to worry about.

Here's Some background: we've been dating for nearly two years and have known each other for three. I don't dance salsa at all but I always ask her to teach me so I can share that experience with her (but we haven't gotten around to that yet).

The only concern that I haven't seen in any threads about is that my girlfriend likes to go out at late times. And by this, I mean, leaving at 9-10 pm and coming back anytime from 2-5 am. Is this normal? Is it reasonable for me to ask her to come back earlier or leave earlier?

She always goes out with a groups of her female friends and I don't think she spends the entire night at one place. Sometimes they go for food, but more often than not, they're going to different dancing clubs.

Is there's another thread that addresses this, please direct me. I would appreciate any help you dancers (or non-dancers) can give!

Thanks!

 

[kbitten]

Hardcore dancers stay till the end of the party so it can be 2am but 5am are not the norm at least in some countries I danced so far.
Different salsa dance clubs in one night? where do you live?


this may help you if you are not just concerned about the stretching time

http://www.salsaforums.com/threads/...lfriend-dances-salsa-with-other-people.24008/

 

[Smejmoon]

The only concern that I haven't seen in any threads about is that my girlfriend likes to go out at late times. And by this, I mean, leaving at 9-10 pm and coming back anytime from 2-5 am. Is this normal?

This really depends on local culture, transportation options, weather. Where on the planet do you live? In some places it's normal, it others (like London, khmkhm) they stop party right after dancing starts. In some places there are afterparties.

She always goes out with a groups of her female friends and I don't think she spends the entire night at one place. Sometimes they go for food, but more often than not, they're going to different dancing clubs.

This is also normal, but I'd guess the other clubs are not salsa. The party lifestyle.

But in Istanbul, NYC and Moscow it's normal to go to several salsa clubs per night, if there are good options.

 

[Dissonant Harmony]

1) Yes. I know some places that end very late in the night. (Even 5AM).
In addition, some of the people leave 'early' like eating together after dancing. That's like part of the deal.

2) ו don't understand what your concern is.
Why bother caring what the 'norma' is?
I suggest that you try asking yourself what the thing that really bothers you is, and then come to consult again.

So...what bothers you?
That she lacks sleep?
That she is touching other people for too long?
That you wish to spend those nights with her and can't?
That she prefers spending the night with other dancers and then with her girl friends rather than with you?

 

[granrey]

Sorry for the long post.

I have never understood why people become bf/gf when there are issues or something that you are not happy with that person and are important for either of you. For me dancing is one of my main hobbies.

Thats why there is "dating". You go out for couple months to get to know someone (in which you or her could be see seeing other people too) until one of the two decides lets make the relationship exclusive and if the other person agrees, it becomes exclusive until it ends.

Now before becoming exclusive, you need to solve all your issues. If you dont like that she dances or arrives late after the party, you dont know how to dance, etc. These things have to be addressed prior becoming exclusive.

Otherwise, its assumed that you like things as they are or you are simply a liar (you lied when you accepted things as they were, hoping to amend the contract later).

If these issues came up after becoming bf/gf. This likely mean you guys did not date enough prior to notice these issues or if she suddently started this behavior, something is not right in the relationship or she thinks is ok.

From a man point of view this is my advice to you: "never, never tell a woman, what to do or not to do". They are adults and you are not an their owner. If you do, this means you could be either controlling, insecure, jelous, etc. All these are turn off and she will resent you or leave you later.

If prior becoming bf/gf you have an issue and the talk about becoming bf/gf comes up you do this.

If its too early cause you dont know her well, tell her things are going great but you need more time.

If the time is right, you think you know her enough but you have an issue like this:

You: "btw, are you gonna keep on dancing and coming late after dancing (or dancing with other men, or smoking, or taking to your ex, etc)?

Her: "you know is just dancing..."

You: "agreed, lets keep things the way they are (meaning you are not bf/gf until she changes her behaviour) and change topic. If she is into and willling to do changes, she will tell you later and then and only then you become exclusive. But never become exclusive when issues are pressent. If she promises something and you realize later that she lied to you. Dump her, she has no integrity.

If she started salsa dancing or coming late (after you guys became bf/gf). There is posibility of an issue but nothing is guaranteed. You either dump her or become "aloof" while gathering enough evidence to dump her but again be aloof, dont let her know you are jelous or insecure of her behaviour, that way her guard will be down and it is easier for you to catch her later.

If she tells you: "hey, im gonna start dancing salsa reguraly with my friends (without you)"

You: "Great babe, im so happy for you, im also gonna start (put similar activity with the same level of potential for cheating) and I wanted to do this since long time but now that you gonna be busy some days, I can do it on those days too"

You must sound very convincing and excited about your new hobby.

If you played this right and If she is really into you, she will not do her new activity (cause she feels guilty and does not want to lose you), you also stop doing yours.

 

[granrey]

Btw if you tell her this : "its salsa or me".

This will be her likely answer
https://goo.gl/images/YYvNiV

 

[kbitten]

There is indeed a long post kkk
We behave different thru the years and I don't mean the time you've been dating someone but your actual age and experience! Did you check the op has 18 years old? Do you really think he thought about all the things you posted before get commited? When you are 18 and I think his gf may be his age or younger, you have no idea how to 'behave' ! I came across guys in their 40s that still have no idea kkkk

 

[salsamarty]

It's pretty normal for dance clubs to stay open until 1:30 - 2 am on weekdays and maybe 3am on weekends. It is also fairly common for groups to go out to eat afterward. After 2-3 years people usually burn out with the late nights on weekdays.

 

[granrey]

There is indeed a long post kkk
We behave different thru the years and I don't mean the time you've been dating someone but your actual age and experience! Did you check the op has 18 years old? Do you really think he thought about all the things you posted before get commited? When you are 18 and I think his gf may be his age or younger, you have no idea how to 'behave' ! I came across guys in their 40s that still have no idea kkkk

I did not see his age and being i would do same mistake at his age. I was very naive then lol.

Still though, this is likely not his last gf and if he learns the piece of advice i gave , he will do great lol

 

[kbitten]

Kkkk
Yeah, I wish I could date with the experience I have now when I was 18!
I checked cause I wanted to see where he lives cause it would make a huge difference! Even in NY, it's not common for the hardcore dancers to go to one dance place to other cause usually there is one party to go ( at least where the hardcore will be).
If he didn't lie about his age then his gf is probably just partying! It doesn't mean she is not dancing salsa or cheating on you btw!
So my advice is if you are really 18 go party too, what are you doing at home? Kkk

 

[Bust3ralex]

Hey, everyone!

Thank you so much for your replies. They all are really helpful.

Granrey and Kbitten, yea, I'm 18. She's 19 and grew up dancing. Currently, she's in Mexico, near Mexico City but south of it. Not sure exactly where. She's there for a summer program.

I didn't include this because my post was already long but I feel that it'll help with your advice.

She's been there for the past 2 months coming home next week. And we had some issues but we both felt it'll be better to talk about them in person rather than over text. And I wanted to get the viewpoints of everyone here before we talked because I'm clueless with this lifestyle.

We live in the LosAngeles, CA. But she goes to school in San Francisco. I know we're young but hey, marrying your high school Sweet heart isn't impossible.

Again, thank you everyone for the help! I hope this update helps even more

 

[matty]

Hey, everyone!

I'm really new here but I've already read some threads on accepting the fact that my girlfriend loves to dance salsa and that means dancing with other guys. I still have yet to talk to her about it but I feel that all will fare well. I've already told her that I didn't like her dancing with other men (some her age, some 20 years older and married). But now I feel like I have a different view on it. That you become "desensitized" to the touching. And that if your relationship healthy (which I believe ours is), then I have nothing to worry about.

Here's Some background: we've been dating for nearly two years and have known each other for three. I don't dance salsa at all but I always ask her to teach me so I can share that experience with her (but we haven't gotten around to that yet).

The only concern that I haven't seen in any threads about is that my girlfriend likes to go out at late times. And by this, I mean, leaving at 9-10 pm and coming back anytime from 2-5 am. Is this normal? Is it reasonable for me to ask her to come back earlier or leave earlier?

She always goes out with a groups of her female friends and I don't think she spends the entire night at one place. Sometimes they go for food, but more often than not, they're going to different dancing clubs.

Is there's another thread that addresses this, please direct me. I would appreciate any help you dancers (or non-dancers) can give!

Thanks!

where i come from there are plenty of people in lasting relationships where one (often the woman) goes to dance salsa regularly and the man does not. sometimes the boyfriend eventually gets into it aswell and you begin to see him showing up at the events, albeit not as often.....

you probably have no need to be upset unless you have other reasons

now start listening to salsa music !

 

[Dissonant Harmony]

Hey, everyone!

Thank you so much for your replies. They all are really helpful.

Granrey and Kbitten, yea, I'm 18. She's 19 and grew up dancing. Currently, she's in Mexico, near Mexico City but south of it. Not sure exactly where. She's there for a summer program.

I didn't include this because my post was already long but I feel that it'll help with your advice.

She's been there for the past 2 months coming home next week. And we had some issues but we both felt it'll be better to talk about them in person rather than over text. And I wanted to get the viewpoints of everyone here before we talked because I'm clueless with this lifestyle.

We live in the LosAngeles, CA. But she goes to school in San Francisco. I know we're young but hey, marrying your high school Sweet heart isn't impossible.

Again, thank you everyone for the help! I hope this update helps even more

I wonder what your conclusions are at the moment.

 

[Bust3ralex]

where i come from there are plenty of people in lasting relationships where one (often the woman) goes to dance salsa regularly and the man does not. sometimes the boyfriend eventually gets into it aswell and you begin to see him showing up at the events, albeit not as often.....

you probably have no need to be upset unless you have other reasons

now start listening to salsa music !

I would definitely like to try it but no guarantee I'll stick with it. Yea, I think I'll be understanding with the dancing with other men. But are there certain dances that I should watch out for? Or are all dances on the same level?

She loves listening to salsa music and when she's happy, I'm happy.

 

[Bust3ralex]

I wonder what your conclusions are at the moment.

Conclusions about what, my friend?

 

[Dissonant Harmony]

Anyways.
In the end it doesn't matter whether what your girlfriend does is normal or not.
Your gifrlfriend is an individual, and one that you really care about!
Instead of 'researching' what is normal and what isn't,
you should just focus on you and her.
I understand that there is something that bothers you (Albeit you didn't really declare what the matter is specifically), and I do believe that inrelationship - you either accept something, or move on. Don't go trying to change people. Yes, there should be some mutual understanding, but it something really bothers you (Like a hobby that she's been practicing for years) - you don't change that.

Now, I suggest that you pinpoint what exactly bothers you,
and ask yourself two quetions:

1) Is it something you can live with?
2) If no - Is it something she will be willing to understand, and change, in order to make you feel better?

In example:

-"I simply can't tolerate the thought that she touches other guy".

1) Can you live with it? (Hypothetical answer: No) - Either accept it or find another girl. Unless you really believe she can understand you and...stop dancing. Which leads us to question 2:

2) Will she understand and do something about it? (Answer: Probably not).
Things won't change. And if you really can't accept it - eventually matters will blow up. Big time.

-And shoud she do understand you and stop dahcing, she would most probably feel like a locked bird and hate you for that. Once again: Things won't change - distress will grow - troubles shall continue.

Now to someting a little less radical:

-"I wish to spend more time with her, but if she dances 5 times a week, until 5AM, it is really limiting".

1) Can you live with it? (Answer: "Yes, she's not a locked bird and she should go and do what she likes...but not every day, and until so late"...)

2) Can she understand? (Answer: Maybe. She may limit her dancing, in order to be with you!)

Problem solved!

---

Anyway, if you do raise the problems and do some expectation-coordination,
please refreain from:

-Sounding needy or 'threatened'.
-Disrespecting her hobbies and desires.
-Distrusting her.
-Doubting her love for you.
-Being frustrate

Those are easily turn-offs.
You are trying to build something good together - not to fight and crush each other's desires.

---

But in order to to all that, you should really be able to understand what the thing that bothers you is. Can you? Or do you just not like the fact that she goes and dances "in general"?

*You must be able to express what bothers you - or else you won't be able to discuss what she (or you) can do in order to make things better for both fo you.

Good luck.
I found my first girlfriend on the dance floor. (Or rather: She found me).
Things didn't work well in the end, and she returned to his ex - a guy who associates dancing with picking girls up. He's a rare 'type'. Once he has a girlfriend (Doesn't matter whether she is a dancer or not) he cannot go dancing anymore! And if she is a dancer - he will feel bad if she goes dancing. That's one of the reasons why they broke up.
And I can tell you - although they returned again, it didn't work. For the very same reasons.
He tries changing her, she tried changing him. Some things nevery change. You may express your worries to the girl you love, and she may actually understand and do something about it...But never force big chagnes on people you love. (Instead: Go on, or learn to accept and respect them).

 

[matty]

I would definitely like to try it but no guarantee I'll stick with it. Yea, I think I'll be understanding with the dancing with other men. But are there certain dances that I should watch out for? Or are all dances on the same level?

She loves listening to salsa music and when she's happy, I'm happy.

the point is, I don't think salsa , or any particular dance is, on its own, a cause for concern. some people can dance in a very sensual way with another , purely for the dance.

I think its more to do with how you perceive it, how it is perceived in different cultures. there is no blanked rule. ie. dance A is fine, but dance B definitely means you should worry.

talking is always a good idea

 

[Dissonant Harmony]

I frankly believe that the most flirtious or intimate dances I do are like that because both the girl and I don't see it in anyway other than...just dancing.

I mean, it's actually the fact we do not relate it to anything 'wrong' - that helps us be more flirtious or intimate. Don't you think?

---

So, here are some thumb-rules:

1) Is someone is a good dancer? - Assumes that it's because he likes dancing.

(Why? Because those who abuse the dance floor for thing sother than dancing don't keep doing it. They either fail and leave, or succeed and lose interest).

2) Do you see me dancing in a sensual way? - Assume that what the girl and I feel towards each other other is actually the complete opposite. (Unless she and I actually are together).

 

[Chris_Yannick]

It's very difficult to give advice when every couple is different.

I know many people who dislike their significant other going out dancing, and make it known to them, so the dancer (usually the girl) stops going out dancing completely... or limits their nights out.

I also have a good friend who is crazy about dancing and goes congress hopping every two weeks, yet her b/f is completely okay with it. He doesn't dance either, even though he knows how, it's not his lifestyle and so he stays away from the scene. They have been happily together for almost a decade.

There are also many couples who dance together consistently and are happy together.

As you can see, many couples make it work, whether they are both dancers or not. It's about finding a mutual understanding and at times, a compromise.

I'm a hardcore dancer, but I still get jealous every now and then when I see my honey dancing a hot and steamy salsa/bachata with some other guy. I think that's natural.

I don't think it's right to tell you that you should just "live with it" and that you shouldn't interfere with her dancing. If it bothers you that much, then say something to her. She might agree to a compromise. She might react badly to it. You don't know unless you communicate with her about your concerns. Otherwise, trust in her that she is faithful to you and don't say a word.

 

[Bust3ralex]

Anyways.
In the end it doesn't matter whether what your girlfriend does is normal or not.
Your gifrlfriend is an individual, and one that you really care about!
Instead of 'researching' what is normal and what isn't,
you should just focus on you and her.
I understand that there is something that bothers you (Albeit you didn't really declare what the matter is specifically), and I do believe that inrelationship - you either accept something, or move on. Don't go trying to change people. Yes, there should be some mutual understanding, but it something really bothers you (Like a hobby that she's been practicing for years) - you don't change that.

Now, I suggest that you pinpoint what exactly bothers you,
and ask yourself two quetions:

1) Is it something you can live with?
2) If no - Is it something she will be willing to understand, and change, in order to make you feel better?

In example:

-"I simply can't tolerate the thought that she touches other guy".

1) Can you live with it? (Hypothetical answer: No) - Either accept it or find another girl. Unless you really believe she can understand you and...stop dancing. Which leads us to question 2:

2) Will she understand and do something about it? (Answer: Probably not).
Things won't change. And if you really can't accept it - eventually matters will blow up. Big time.

-And shoud she do understand you and stop dahcing, she would most probably feel like a locked bird and hate you for that. Once again: Things won't change - distress will grow - troubles shall continue.

Now to someting a little less radical:

-"I wish to spend more time with her, but if she dances 5 times a week, until 5AM, it is really limiting".

1) Can you live with it? (Answer: "Yes, she's not a locked bird and she should go and do what she likes...but not every day, and until so late"...)

2) Can she understand? (Answer: Maybe. She may limit her dancing, in order to be with you!)

Problem solved!

---

Anyway, if you do raise the problems and do some expectation-coordination,
please refreain from:

-Sounding needy or 'threatened'.
-Disrespecting her hobbies and desires.
-Distrusting her.
-Doubting her love for you.
-Being frustrate

Those are easily turn-offs.
You are trying to build something good together - not to fight and crush each other's desires.

---

But in order to to all that, you should really be able to understand what the thing that bothers you is. Can you? Or do you just not like the fact that she goes and dances "in general"?

*You must be able to express what bothers you - or else you won't be able to discuss what she (or you) can do in order to make things better for both fo you.

Good luck.
I found my first girlfriend on the dance floor. (Or rather: She found me).
Things didn't work well in the end, and she returned to his ex - a guy who associates dancing with picking girls up. He's a rare 'type'. Once he has a girlfriend (Doesn't matter whether she is a dancer or not) he cannot go dancing anymore! And if she is a dancer - he will feel bad if she goes dancing. That's one of the reasons why they broke up.
And I can tell you - although they returned again, it didn't work. For the very same reasons.
He tries changing her, she tried changing him. Some things nevery change. You may express your worries to the girl you love, and she may actually understand and do something about it...But never force big chagnes on people you love. (Instead: Go on, or learn to accept and respect them).

Thank you for your post, first off!

As to your points:

In the example of touching other guys. I believe that for the most part, I'll be fine with it. I mean, Yes, emotions will arise saying otherwise but it's how I deal with those emotions that I hope to prove myself right.
We still have yet to talk (waiting for her to get back from Mexico) and I'll talk to her about it. I definitely won't ask her to stop completely, that's in no way fair. And I haven't seen how she dances but how should I put it. How should I word that I would prefer if she didn't get too "close" or "sensuale" with other people?

As to your point about going out so late:
Again, we have yet to talk about it but I think we can come to an understanding. I definitely wouldn't appreciate staying out late every night or even every weekend night, because I would like to spend time her on weekends. But I think an agreement of certain days and/or times a week/month will be fine. What do you think?

I'll definitely keep your tips in mind for when we do talk.

I really appreciate your help!