Relationship HELP

[Latina1900]

I’m in my 40s, married for many years, and we have kids. I work part-time and spend most of my time at home, except for one night a week when I go to dance classes and social dancing. My spouse and I have a regular intimate life, which I mention because it’s relevant to my question.

*Several years ago, I started dancing as a hobby and quickly fell in love with it. I’ve always asked my spouse to join me, but they haven’t been interested. Over the years, I’ve tried different styles of dance, but my spouse is uncomfortable with the fact that I dance with other people, especially men. They’ve expressed jealousy and concerns, even though I’ve reassured them multiple times and have always been committed to our relationship.

I’ve even tried switching to less sensual styles of dance, hoping it would help, but the complaints have continued. They say they trust me, but they’re still worried about the intentions of the men I dance with and feel that I shouldn’t be dancing with other men when I’m married.

Now I feel stuck. Dancing is something I truly enjoy and have a talent for, but the ongoing tension and arguments are wearing me down. I’m not sure whether I should give up dancing for the sake of my marriage or if my spouse is overreacting. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[DJ Yuca]

I truly have a gift for dance. I learn and progress quickly and I love it so much but I feel stuck and don’t know what to do. Any advice would be very appreciated.

Go back to salsa. Do the classes and social dancing and aim to improve as a dancer.

If you ever become friends with anyone from the salsa scene who is married/in a ltr, consider introducing the couple to your husband in a non-dance environment (e.g. go out for a meal or a drink together).

 

[desconocida]

I am not sure any of us here can give you actual advice, because you alone know how exactly this situation feels "on the inside", what is important to you, what you cherish in this relationship, and to what lengths you prepared to go to keep dancing part of your life. From personal experience I can say that I regret having given up any and all social dancing for five years because my partner had similar concerns and attitudes. (But in my case, dancing has been a huge part of my life long before him, if that makes any difference). Not only because, as it turns out, I would have needed it for my mental wellbeing, but also because doing so just helped in masking deeper underlying issues in the relationship which would have become evident sooner had I not just given in for the sake of harmony.
My way of trying to solve this knowing what I know today would be to attempt mediated talks (with a therapist) to try to find a solution that works for both of you (as it doesn't seem you'll get there on your own, you've been stuck in this limbo for a while now, judging from what you wrote). Best of luck and hopefully whatever solution you opt for, will make you happy in the long run!

 

[RichNTacoma]

My way of trying to solve this knowing what I know today would be to attempt mediated talks (with a therapist) to try to find a solution that works for both of you (as it doesn't seem you'll get there on your own, you've been stuck in this limbo for a while now, judging from what you wrote).

This. This x 100.

 

[1derpalm]

For background:
*I’m 40 years old and have been married for 21 years. We have 2 kids. One who is 16 and one in college, she’s 18. I’m a registered NICU nurse, I homeschooled our kids(still have 1 left). So unless it is work, I work 2 days a week or it’s Tuesday night (dance lesson and social dance- 3 hrs total) I’m home. I keep my house super clean and organized(I’m a bit OCD), I make dinner at least 4 nights a week. We’re “intimate” on average about 2-3 times a week(mentioning this because I think it’s important for my question)
* I am originally from Panamá. I come from a family of not just salsa dancers but belly dancers, ballet dancers and even folklore, some who are professionals dancers traveling the world performing. However, I did not start dancing until I was 34 years old. I was the odd one in my family who could not dance to save my life and was made fun of by my family to the point where I never even stood up to dance. I was always very eager to dance, but was afraid and felt I was not good enough/or that there was something wrong with me.

Ok now to my question: My husband on my 34th birthday gifted me a dance lesson at a local Ballroom Studio. Reluctantly but also hopeful I went to the lesson and for the first time in my life I did not do terrible so I kept dancing, quickly thereafter I fell in love with dance and made it my hobby. I tried to get my husband to join me in dancing because I would much rather and feel much more comfortable dancing with him but he wouldn’t. Needless to say in the matter of 6 years I was a high level competitive ballroom dancer. Lots of hard work, time and dedication went into it.
My husband though he gifted me the lesson did not approve of me ballroom dancing. He would complain about me “dancing with a bunch of men”.
Or about the way the leader must put their hands on places like my back or stomach for certain moves, or gets upset about me going to lesson/social dance(I did once a week for an 1.5hrs). Jealously got the best of him even though I tried reassuring him along the way and continuously would and still ask him to come with me or start dancing( I truly would prefer to dance with him). Also I’m by no means a promiscuous person, I have very conservative values and so I dress and act as such. I avoid certain styles of dance like bolero and bachata because they make me feel uncomfortable.
Now ballroom is very expensive so there was also the fact that he would get upset that I would take 1 lesson per week(though we do not lack money whatsoever). So because I was at a high level of dancing, I decided to quit ballroom and start salsa dancing for the sake of not fighting over the money spent on lessons. Thinking that would lessen the tension. With salsa it was the same 1 group lesson + 1.5 of social dancing once a week. My husband complained about the same things(except money-hard to complain when it costs $10). The fights and comments did not stop, “I just don’t think you should be dancing with a bunch of men when you’re married”, “salsa is too sexy”,” those men don’t care about dancing they just want to have s3x with you”. What is crazy is that he says that he has all the trust in me but “worries” about the men.
So I left salsa and as of the last 3 months I’ve been doing West coast swing(WCS). Figured it was not as sensual as salsa and is also inexpensive. When I started I convinced him to come with me to the first lesson, I truly felt like that WCS was something we both could learn to dance together but he has not returned to the classes and guess what? You guessed it! He still has the same problems. He complains that when I’m dancing I look sexy and that I should only be looking that way for him. He also complains that we are not “intimate” often enough because I’m getting my “fix” with dance.

At this point I’m tired of arguing about it. I’m not sure if this is really something that I should quit because it is truly “not appropriate” or if I should keep dancing because he’s just overreacting.
I truly have a gift for dance. I learn and progress quickly and I love it so much but I feel stuck and don’t know what to do. Any advice would be very appreciated.

This is a tough call but also I would say no.
I recently had to dial back a bit because my common law was questioning/assuming I have been cheating. Not the case. I only aim for self improvement.
I understand the jealousy though. I started for her and took classes because she could at least do the basic step and I was inept.
She took a couple classes with me but stopped caring. I stayed with it. I am okay. I am not great. At first I was terrible and had insecurities. If my partner stayed with it and I don't improve I can guarantee I would have been insecure and gotten jealous. I had other things going on in my life
But it is therapeutic for me. You could tell the leader, hey ease up on touching me here or there. Any respectable leader will understand and honor that for the sake of your marriage. You can also do the universal "not any closer" hand position in closed. IMO it doesn't impact the dance too much..
I agree with what was said above. Meet some married dancers and invite them over. That has helped me some, as one of my best friends and dancer is married to a part time dancer. We meet up for nondancing.
It would be way tougher if he said "him or dancing". On one hand I at NEVER be held hostage. But on the other, you have children and a husband. Come with a compromise but let him not control your life

 

[Naldo]

It's important to tackle the problem at its root. Insecurity is a different problem than infidelity. Each require a different solution.

I would certainly not stop dancing and would consider the suggestion of the two of you consulting with a counselor. Wish you both good luck and blessings on your journeys.