Need opinions from experienced dancers

[jessica14harvey]

I want to give a little background about myself before asking my question about creep vs normal behavior at Latin socials and one particular scenario I need advice about. Sorry it’s long!!

I’m a 24 yr old female and I just started going to salsa/bachata socials. I danced contra and blues fusion before I started Latin and pick up dancing pretty quickly but I’m certainly not a seasoned pro. I think I’m a pretty good follow because blues fusion is heavily improve and a very intimate dance. I also started dancing in a fairly eccentric community so I have an very high tolerance for dancing with people who may present themselves in a way that most people would find weird and I don’t mind close dancing with strangers, going slow with beginners, or having a total mess of a dance that’s really fun but kinda chaotic because we’re both trying new things.

That said, I am a little intimidated by the social aspect of latin and I’m having trouble knowing what’s “normal” at socials.

There’s one guy who’s probably in his mid 40s whose been at both the socials I attended. He asked me at my first social ever and we danced probably 80% of the dances together, many of them in a row. It was fairly small, maybe 30 or so people, and it was for students at an Arthur Murray studio. As far as I could tell, most of the people dancing knew each other because they’re students or friends of the studio and it seemed like me and this guy were some of the only outsiders.

He’s really really good and our connection is awesome - every dance feels so smooth and he barely needs to move his hand for me to get what he’s thinking. He’s super patient and stepped me through a cha cha and samba song even though I’d never danced them before. He’s definitely my favorite partner because we seem to dance the same way wearas with other leads, I feel like I’m not even dancing salsa because they’ve put so much of their own spin on the steps and form and I can’t follow. HOWEVER, browsing through some of these forums, it seems a little weird to me that he will keep me for 3 dances in a row and honestly would probably do more with me if I didn’t tell him I “needed water” as an excuse to separate and dance with other people. After one dance apart, he almost always approached me again for several more in a row. He’s great so I’m there for it but at the same time, I want to learn from other dancers. There’s a pretty significant language barrier so we haven’t ever had a real conversation besides “thanks, good dance” and he also doesn’t speak very clearly so I don’t really know what he says in response to my saying thank you and I can’t ask him what’s up.

lastly and probably most important, our bachata dances are REALLY close but I don’t think to the point it’s inappropriate but again, I’m new and it seems like only one other couple dances that lose. it’s not crotch to crotch but definitely cheek to cheek and our torsos are pressed together. The close positions have gotten longer and the spinning parts are less frweqent but maybe cause he’s tired?

I guess my question is, am I this guys project? Is that a thing that happens? Will other leads stop asking me if it looks like we’re in a relationship? Is this normal if two people have a really great connection? Am I better than I think I am and he’s just pumped to dance together?
He teaches me a lot of stuff and will repeat things until I get it and he’s the one who pushes me to learn a new dance and doesn’t seem to mind that we only do the basic for half the song until I get it, then he tries spinning me and I’ll mess up and then we go back to the basic etc


PPS seriously last thing but I thought this was weird too but maybe not? We did a merengue song and for half of it we literally just held each other’s arms and spun in a circle which as far as I could see, no one else was doing. He also rarely makes eye contact and seems to just keep his eyes around my torso/chest (not boobs because I was wearing a high neck top).

thank you in advance! Any thoughts at all would be appreciated

 

[Smejmoon]

Maybe it's love?

Ok, on more serious note. Experienced guys (single or married) dance a lot with newbies for multiple reasons. I'll share mine, but I talk to guys too and have seen them. Some things goes for foreign visitors as well.

1) They've danced with everyone else thousand times, so it's just refreshing. Even if you're not that smooth a dancer in salsa, it will be interesting, because you bring your personality, your experiences, your previous dance training, your musical interpretation.

2) They dance with them to welcome them and to get hooked, so they stay. Will try to provide best experience. There is a hope that beginner will improve, I always try to dance first months with someone new. If they don't improve I usually give up. But I remember my beginner days and support I received. And girls have come to me years later and said thank you for dances in their first parties.

Also fun note is that I dance a lot of bachata with beginners, because it's much simpler and slower dance. then some months later I stop doing this. "Why don't you dance bachata with me any more?" "Because you can dance salsa now." I set wrong expectations, but whatever.

3) It's sexually exciting. Again they've been close with everyone else for years probably, so other women are like sisters/friends. Now someone fresh appears and you could be the only person they're sexually interested in. It's a strong driving force. Again improves every dance, gives attention, gives energy to dance multiple dances in a row, etc. what you describe. Is he flirting with you? But even if there are no explicit signals, people dance salsa to get sexually excited. Might be harmless, might be exciting, might be creepy.

4) Could be project, I don't know what you mean exactly. But for me there is one young bachata dancer who is quite talented and she asks me to dance salsa in mixed parties. She wants to dance salsa, and I'm trying to provide her best experience so she can learn and improve. Right now she pulls through, because she's quick and sharp, but our dances have like 20% of what I enjoy in salsa. I've thought of taking this as a little side project, give her some music to listen, teach her basics, tell her about differences between dances, invite to proper salsa parties and show her that salsa "connection" is no worse than sensual "connection". Show joys of open dancing, shines, etc.

5) And about closed position. Could be will for physical closeness, but could be also that your frame is a bit loose/wobbly. Open position frame in salsa is quite advanced stuff and changes rapidly during the dance. I don't do that with beginners a lot, they don't understand why I don't spin them, etc. I better dance musical smooth dance in closed position than jerky, disconnected open dance with hand pulling, wandering through slot etc. I love open position, but for me to enjoy it, it requires more skill than closed position. In closed position I can take control of your frame and we will dance together, I'll show you musical changes and accents through my body, you'll feel my intentions, etc. etc.

Same for dancing just basic and no spins. I better do simple stuff together with you and music, than botch complicated stuff, recover, reset, try again and so entire dance. If I want something energetic, sharp, complicated, I'll go for experienced dancer.

Over all you'll have to learn how to deal with males and their instincts. I think by age of 24 you already know that


Welcome to Salsaforums and good luck in your dance journey.

 

[Chris_Yannick]

I guess my question is, am I this guys project?

Yes. Yes you are.

Who knows what his intentions are. But speaking from a guy’s perspective, no guy spends that much time with a girl and tries to ‘teach them’ without compensation unless they are interested in more.

You’re still very inexperienced in the Salsa/Latin world and super young so it’s understandable you don’t know what’s going on.

My proposal would be next time he tries to monopolize your time, to tell him that you’d like to spend more time dancing with others and see how he takes it. His reaction will reveal his intention.

Even if he’s as good a dancer as you say he is, I’m sure there are others better than him in the same room. And at bigger events/socials, do you really want to spend most of your time dancing with the same person?

 

[noobster]

I want to give a little background about myself before asking my question about creep vs normal behavior at Latin socials and one particular scenario I need advice about. Sorry it’s long!!

I’m a 24 yr old female and I just started going to salsa/bachata socials. I danced contra and blues fusion before I started Latin and pick up dancing pretty quickly but I’m certainly not a seasoned pro. I think I’m a pretty good follow because blues fusion is heavily improve and a very intimate dance. I also started dancing in a fairly eccentric community so I have an very high tolerance for dancing with people who may present themselves in a way that most people would find weird and I don’t mind close dancing with strangers, going slow with beginners, or having a total mess of a dance that’s really fun but kinda chaotic because we’re both trying new things.

There’s one guy who’s probably in his mid 40s whose been at both the socials I attended. He asked me at my first social ever and we danced probably 80% of the dances together, many of them in a row. It was fairly small, maybe 30 or so people, and it was for students at an Arthur Murray studio. As far as I could tell, most of the people dancing knew each other because they’re students or friends of the studio and it seemed like me and this guy were some of the only outsiders.

The above seems like critical information. This sounds like a smallish social at a chain studio frequented mainly by ballroom students. Ballroom dancers often focus on learned routines and their lead/follow skills can be poorly developed compared to people who dance strictly social dances. Well developed lead/follow skills (more so follow than lead) translate to a great degree among partner dances.

If you have a contra/blues background you may well be the best follower in the room, even if you are new to salsa.

He’s really really good and our connection is awesome - every dance feels so smooth and he barely needs to move his hand for me to get what he’s thinking. He’s super patient and stepped me through a cha cha and samba song even though I’d never danced them before. He’s definitely my favorite partner because we seem to dance the same way wearas with other leads, I feel like I’m not even dancing salsa because they’ve put so much of their own spin on the steps and form and I can’t follow.

Highly suspect for ballroom dancers who have been taught to do the same memorized pattern while holding hands. My money is on, you can't follow because they haven't actually been taught to lead.

HOWEVER, browsing through some of these forums, it seems a little weird to me that he will keep me for 3 dances in a row and honestly would probably do more with me if I didn’t tell him I “needed water” as an excuse to separate and dance with other people. After one dance apart, he almost always approached me again for several more in a row. He’s great so I’m there for it but at the same time, I want to learn from other dancers. There’s a pretty significant language barrier so we haven’t ever had a real conversation besides “thanks, good dance” and he also doesn’t speak very clearly so I don’t really know what he says in response to my saying thank you and I can’t ask him what’s up.

I have definitely had similar experiences to the above at smaller socials where I had a good dance connection with just one good leader and we spent most of the night together, because none of the other attendees were much fun to dance with. It's fine.

lastly and probably most important, our bachata dances are REALLY close but I don’t think to the point it’s inappropriate but again, I’m new and it seems like only one other couple dances that lose. it’s not crotch to crotch but definitely cheek to cheek and our torsos are pressed together. The close positions have gotten longer and the spinning parts are less frweqent but maybe cause he’s tired?

Sounds like a good bachata to me. Close bachata lets you share a center which can be really fun. Bachata at a distance is more limited IMO, and typical of dance beginners who are not comfortable with physical closeness.

I guess my question is, am I this guys project? Is that a thing that happens? Will other leads stop asking me if it looks like we’re in a relationship? Is this normal if two people have a really great connection? Am I better than I think I am and he’s just pumped to dance together?

I mean, maybe you're his project, but I'd say it's at least equally probable that there isn't anyone else there worth dancing with.

Yes other leads will probably not ask you if they see you dancing with the same guy all night. Are there other leads you want to dance with at that event? If so, just tell this guy you want to dance around a little bit and go stand somewhere else for a while. Preferably at the edge of the dance floor while bopping to the music and trying to catch the eye of whoever looks good to you.

PPS seriously last thing but I thought this was weird too but maybe not? We did a merengue song and for half of it we literally just held each other’s arms and spun in a circle which as far as I could see, no one else was doing.

Also sounds like a good merengue. If the other people there are just marching around woodenly with occasional slow solo walking turns for the follower then you are probably having way more fun than they are.

He also rarely makes eye contact and seems to just keep his eyes around my torso/chest (not boobs because I was wearing a high neck top).

I mean, eye contact is clearly preferable to weird chest staring, but if he's a good leader I'd be inclined to overlook this issue

My prescription for you is to find some bigger socials with more experienced leaders for social Latin dancing. I'd get away from the ballroom chains. If you want to keep going to this specific social and this is the only guy there who knows how to dance, then feel free to keep dancing with him. If he tries to take it off the dance floor you can just say no. There's no reason to anticipate that before it's occurred. But for your own entertainment and development as a dancer I'd try to widen your horizons with some other events soon.

 

[DJ Yuca]

Yes. Yes you are.

Who knows what his intentions are. But speaking from a guy’s perspective, no guy spends that much time with a girl and tries to ‘teach them’ without compensation unless they are interested in more.

You’re still very inexperienced in the Salsa/Latin world and super young so it’s understandable you don’t know what’s going on.

My proposal would be next time he tries to monopolize your time, to tell him that you’d like to spend more time dancing with others and see how he takes it. His reaction will reveal his intention.

Even if he’s as good a dancer as you say he is, I’m sure there are others better than him in the same room. And at bigger events/socials, do you really want to spend most of your time dancing with the same person?

This. Also: if you stick around and become a better and more experienced dancer you may well find he's not quite such a great lead as you think he is.

 

[jessica14harvey]

Maybe it's love?

Ok, on more serious note. Experienced guys (single or married) dance a lot with newbies for multiple reasons. I'll share mine, but I talk to guys too and have seen them. Some things goes for foreign visitors as well.

1) They've danced with everyone else thousand times, so it's just refreshing. Even if you're not that smooth a dancer in salsa, it will be interesting, because you bring your personality, your experiences, your previous dance training, your musical interpretation.

2) They dance with them to welcome them and to get hooked, so they stay. Will try to provide best experience. There is a hope that beginner will improve, I always try to dance first months with someone new. If they don't improve I usually give up. But I remember my beginner days and support I received. And girls have come to me years later and said thank you for dances in their first parties.

Also fun note is that I dance a lot of bachata with beginners, because it's much simpler and slower dance. then some months later I stop doing this. "Why don't you dance bachata with me any more?" "Because you can dance salsa now." I set wrong expectations, but whatever.

3) It's sexually exciting. Again they've been close with everyone else for years probably, so other women are like sisters/friends. Now someone fresh appears and you could be the only person they're sexually interested in. It's a strong driving force. Again improves every dance, gives attention, gives energy to dance multiple dances in a row, etc. what you describe. Is he flirting with you? But even if there are no explicit signals, people dance salsa to get sexually excited. Might be harmless, might be exciting, might be creepy.

4) Could be project, I don't know what you mean exactly. But for me there is one young bachata dancer who is quite talented and she asks me to dance salsa in mixed parties. She wants to dance salsa, and I'm trying to provide her best experience so she can learn and improve. Right now she pulls through, because she's quick and sharp, but our dances have like 20% of what I enjoy in salsa. I've thought of taking this as a little side project, give her some music to listen, teach her basics, tell her about differences between dances, invite to proper salsa parties and show her that salsa "connection" is no worse than sensual "connection". Show joys of open dancing, shines, etc.

5) And about closed position. Could be will for physical closeness, but could be also that your frame is a bit loose/wobbly. Open position frame in salsa is quite advanced stuff and changes rapidly during the dance. I don't do that with beginners a lot, they don't understand why I don't spin them, etc. I better dance musical smooth dance in closed position than jerky, disconnected open dance with hand pulling, wandering through slot etc. I love open position, but for me to enjoy it, it requires more skill than closed position. In closed position I can take control of your frame and we will dance together, I'll show you musical changes and accents through my body, you'll feel my intentions, etc. etc.

Same for dancing just basic and no spins. I better do simple stuff together with you and music, than botch complicated stuff, recover, reset, try again and so entire dance. If I want something energetic, sharp, complicated, I'll go for experienced dancer.

Over all you'll have to learn how to deal with males and their instincts. I think by age of 24 you already know that


Welcome to Salsaforums and good luck in your dance journey.

Thank you so so much!!! It’s really really helpful to hear what someone who’s experienced thinks about beginners and social dancing in general. I just wish I could ask people what they’re thinking (even if I did the music is too loud to hear what they say lol)

Yikes I’m already married so I hope not lol

I don’t think there’s any flirting but we don’t dance stone faced. I’m a very expressive person and tend to laugh or smile a lot of we do something great or make a mistake. It feels like we’re both there to dance and one of the few things he did say is that he dances basically everyday of the week.

I think you understood what I meant by “project”. I guess I read that some people think it’s rude to expect seasoned dancers to teach you the basic steps at a social (which I definitely didn’t ask for, he offered) so I was curious how often people are willing to teach at a social and why they might be willing to use a dance with someone who doesn’t even know the steps when they could have asked a pro.

re open position, we’ve almost never danced closed for salsa and almost everything goes smoothly in open. We usually only do 1 or 2 8 counts of basic to reset I don’t think my frame is lacking ?? But you’d probably have to dance with me to know lol and it might be that im not as good at bachata idkkk

 

[jessica14harvey]

Yes. Yes you are.

Who knows what his intentions are. But speaking from a guy’s perspective, no guy spends that much time with a girl and tries to ‘teach them’ without compensation unless they are interested in more.

You’re still very inexperienced in the Salsa/Latin world and super young so it’s understandable you don’t know what’s going on.

My proposal would be next time he tries to monopolize your time, to tell him that you’d like to spend more time dancing with others and see how he takes it. His reaction will reveal his intention.

Even if he’s as good a dancer as you say he is, I’m sure there are others better than him in the same room. And at bigger events/socials, do you really want to spend most of your time dancing with the same person?

Thank you! I needed to hear that and for someone to say I should branch out. I definitely don’t want to dance with the same person. I love the variety and want to get good at following other people’s styles and learn as much as I can.

I guess part of the problem is confidence. i feel weird asking other, older leads to dance cause I don’t want to pull them away from other people who might be better, especially if I disappoint so I guess this guy is safe and I don’t have to put myself out there.

are leads disappointed a lot if I mess up the harder things they try or frequently get off their rhythm?

 

[jessica14harvey]

The above seems like critical information. This sounds like a smallish social at a chain studio frequented mainly by ballroom students. Ballroom dancers often focus on learned routines and their lead/follow skills can be poorly developed compared to people who dance strictly social dances. Well developed lead/follow skills (more so follow than lead) translate to a great degree among partner dances.

If you have a contra/blues background you may well be the best follower in the room, even if you are new to salsa.



Highly suspect for ballroom dancers who have been taught to do the same memorized pattern while holding hands. My money is on, you can't follow because they haven't actually been taught to lead.



I have definitely had similar experiences to the above at smaller socials where I had a good dance connection with just one good leader and we spent most of the night together, because none of the other attendees were much fun to dance with. It's fine.



Sounds like a good bachata to me. Close bachata lets you share a center which can be really fun. Bachata at a distance is more limited IMO, and typical of dance beginners who are not comfortable with physical closeness.



I mean, maybe you're his project, but I'd say it's at least equally probable that there isn't anyone else there worth dancing with.

Yes other leads will probably not ask you if they see you dancing with the same guy all night. Are there other leads you want to dance with at that event? If so, just tell this guy you want to dance around a little bit and go stand somewhere else for a while. Preferably at the edge of the dance floor while bopping to the music and trying to catch the eye of whoever looks good to you.



Also sounds like a good merengue. If the other people there are just marching around woodenly with occasional slow solo walking turns for the follower then you are probably having way more fun than they are.



I mean, eye contact is clearly preferable to weird chest staring, but if he's a good leader I'd be inclined to overlook this issue

My prescription for you is to find some bigger socials with more experienced leaders for social Latin dancing. I'd get away from the ballroom chains. If you want to keep going to this specific social and this is the only guy there who knows how to dance, then feel free to keep dancing with him. If he tries to take it off the dance floor you can just say no. There's no reason to anticipate that before it's occurred. But for your own entertainment and development as a dancer I'd try to widen your horizons with some other events soon.

thank you so much!! I feel like all your thoughts helped me not make such a big deal out of it and stop obsessing over if im doing something totally out of the norm or not. I also didn’t know how to seem approachable to other people so I appreciate the tip about bopping on the side - will do haha

there are definitely other people I’d like to try dancing with who seem like they know what they’re doing - I’d say 10% were complete beginners who could hardly handle basic, 60% are older adults who can do basic and a couple other things but are there more to hangout and for the music and then maybe the last 15% are killing it and really there to try everything they have up their sleeves.

I’m new so of course I don’t have a great handle on whether or not the same people frequent the same socials and how big the community is but I’ll keep in mind that his behavior might make more sense in context of a smaller community.

I mean yeah, the merengue was a fun dance haha; I just came out of the close position so dizzy it surprised we were both able to dance after it lol

That’s also a really helpful perspective about the dance school. I didn’t think about that it’s less like a social and more just open practice time for the students. I’ve had some very wild dances at blues fusion where we end up on the floor or even dancing with two leads at once (which is the best and I love it) so I would say i definitely don’t much formal dance training and rarely expect prescription patterns.

thank you again!!

 

[Offbeat]

Not that experience dancer but here's my two cents

I want to give a little background about myself before asking my question about creep vs normal behavior at Latin socials and one particular scenario I need advice about. Sorry it’s long!!

I’m a 24 yr old female and I just started going to salsa/bachata socials. I danced contra and blues fusion before I started Latin and pick up dancing pretty quickly but I’m certainly not a seasoned pro. I think I’m a pretty good follow because blues fusion is heavily improve and a very intimate dance. I also started dancing in a fairly eccentric community so I have an very high tolerance for dancing with people who may present themselves in a way that most people would find weird and I don’t mind close dancing with strangers, going slow with beginners, or having a total mess of a dance that’s really fun but kinda chaotic because we’re both trying new things.

That said, I am a little intimidated by the social aspect of latin and I’m having trouble knowing what’s “normal” at socials.

There’s one guy who’s probably in his mid 40s whose been at both the socials I attended. He asked me at my first social ever and we danced probably 80% of the dances together, many of them in a row. It was fairly small, maybe 30 or so people, and it was for students at an Arthur Murray studio. As far as I could tell, most of the people dancing knew each other because they’re students or friends of the studio and it seemed like me and this guy were some of the only outsiders.

He’s really really good and our connection is awesome - every dance feels so smooth and he barely needs to move his hand for me to get what he’s thinking. He’s super patient and stepped me through a cha cha and samba song even though I’d never danced them before. He’s definitely my favorite partner because we seem to dance the same way wearas with other leads, I feel like I’m not even dancing salsa because they’ve put so much of their own spin on the steps and form and I can’t follow. HOWEVER, browsing through some of these forums, it seems a little weird to me that he will keep me for 3 dances in a row and honestly would probably do more with me if I didn’t tell him I “needed water” as an excuse to separate and dance with other people. After one dance apart, he almost always approached me again for several more in a row. He’s great so I’m there for it but at the same time, I want to learn from other dancers. There’s a pretty significant language barrier so we haven’t ever had a real conversation besides “thanks, good dance” and he also doesn’t speak very clearly so I don’t really know what he says in response to my saying thank you and I can’t ask him what’s up.

lastly and probably most important, our bachata dances are REALLY close but I don’t think to the point it’s inappropriate but again, I’m new and it seems like only one other couple dances that lose. it’s not crotch to crotch but definitely cheek to cheek and our torsos are pressed together. The close positions have gotten longer and the spinning parts are less frweqent but maybe cause he’s tired?

I guess my question is, am I this guys project? Is that a thing that happens? Will other leads stop asking me if it looks like we’re in a relationship? Is this normal if two people have a really great connection? Am I better than I think I am and he’s just pumped to dance together?
He teaches me a lot of stuff and will repeat things until I get it and he’s the one who pushes me to learn a new dance and doesn’t seem to mind that we only do the basic for half the song until I get it, then he tries spinning me and I’ll mess up and then we go back to the basic etc


PPS seriously last thing but I thought this was weird too but maybe not? We did a merengue song and for half of it we literally just held each other’s arms and spun in a circle which as far as I could see, no one else was doing. He also rarely makes eye contact and seems to just keep his eyes around my torso/chest (not boobs because I was wearing a high neck top).

thank you in advance! Any thoughts at all would be appreciated

Blue Fusion doesn't have much of a structure and from what I experienced as well as seen, the most fusion followers and leaders struggle adapting to other partner dances. Yes fusion people can definitely be weird

I am not sure why he is dancing at a chain school. Social salsa regulars will hardly go to a chain school social for dancing. Unless your town is small and that is only option for social dancing. It is hard to say from what you write, if he is really good compared to average social salsa dancer. Your frame of reference is blue fusion and what you think about his lead being good, may not be for other mainstream salsa followers. That doesn't matter at the moment since you appear to enjoy and have fun dancing with him.

It is hard to read anyone's mind. Therefore hard to discern what's on his mind. Maybe he just enjoys dancing or may be he is hopings something more (develops). You already mentioned language barrier. Does he know you are married? In real salsa clubs that won't stop some guys from still trying their luck! It also depends on your instinct. Some people are more sensitive to feeling discomfort able with perfectly innocent dance. Others are very comfortable and not aware of, what an average dancer or follower would consider boundaries being crossed. It is hard to tell where on the spectrum you are. You haven't indicated about feeling uncomfortable or weirded out dancing with him. I take that to mean he hasn't given you any reason (yet) to be suspicious of his intentions. I don't see any harm.

Others have already written helpful suggestions about dancing with others vs him. I second them. Try to find where people go for social salsa dancing.

From what you described the bachata and merengue, in many places that is normal way to dance those.

If a girl willingly dances 80% of the time irrespective of whether she is beginner or not, 95% of the guys will take that as some validation of interest. That is, the girl being interested in them at some level.

 

[Bostontraitor]

I am going to reply your questions without looking at other guys' responses.

In social event, I have a code. I know popular followers are in high demand. I will not hoard a girl for many dances. Two songs are enough. I consider those guys who dance with the same girl song after song ass holes unless they are in a relationship.

So, I don't think he keeps you around is normal. You are 24, he's 40 something. His business with you should be dance a few songs together, chat a bit, and that's it. Anything other than that, he's interested. You might not think the same way, but he is. I assume there are other girls in your social?

Bachata close position. If you feel like cheek to cheek and torsos are pressed together most of the time, you need to tell him to stop unless you enjoy it. I dance closely with girls but all the girls know that's only from the outside. In between us, only the connection points are firmly locked, her boobs, her face won't touch my counter parts at all. Let me repeat it again to you: if it doesn't feel right, it's not right. An experienced dancer can achieve the same goal with multiple techniques. For instance, if my chest against your chest, it will make leading the side wave a lot easier. But I can easily achieve that by using my frame (arms and palms), and that's what I would do.

Sometimes, dances can get a bit more than you expected. One follower, she likes to keep me in close position. My chest is touching her chest when we are doing just the basic. She also doesn't wear bras. No one is stupid, she knows what she's doing. I won't complain about it. The heck, I admit I enjoy it most of the time. But that's consensual. In your case, I don't see that's the case.

My suggestion for you: Strike out yourself. Go ask other guys for dances. Go for the bigger crowd. You distribute your time evenly among dancers. Yes, you will also learn a lot from other guys.

 

[Offbeat]

I will not hoard a girl for many dances. Two songs are enough. I consider those guys who dance with the same girl song after song ass holes unless they are in a relationship.

@Chris_Yannick you might want to reconsider liking the post

 

[Chris_Yannick]

@Chris_Yannick you might want to reconsider liking the post

If the guy is hogging only one particular girl, then that’s different than dancing a lot with a whole bunch of girls. I am the latter.

But in the end, perception is everything. If you are in a scene where this isn’t common, then there will be pressure not to do it, which means the people who are doing it are then labeled as miscreants. Sometimes unfairly.

However, the man described in the OP seems to be fixated on her. One test is to go out to bigger venues and dance with more people. Once the OP experiences better dancing than what this guy can provide, what reason is there to continue to have her time monopolized by him? The intentions will be revealed in time but usually those guys who want to teach on the dance floor are looking to develop something off the dance floor.

 

[brujo]

A third dance in a row might as well be a marriage proposal

 

[jessica14harvey]

I want to give a little background about myself before asking my question about creep vs normal behavior at Latin socials and one particular scenario I need advice about. Sorry it’s long!!

I’m a 24 yr old female and I just started going to salsa/bachata socials. I danced contra and blues fusion before I started Latin and pick up dancing pretty quickly but I’m certainly not a seasoned pro. I think I’m a pretty good follow because blues fusion is heavily improve and a very intimate dance. I also started dancing in a fairly eccentric community so I have an very high tolerance for dancing with people who may present themselves in a way that most people would find weird and I don’t mind close dancing with strangers, going slow with beginners, or having a total mess of a dance that’s really fun but kinda chaotic because we’re both trying new things.

That said, I am a little intimidated by the social aspect of latin and I’m having trouble knowing what’s “normal” at socials.

There’s one guy who’s probably in his mid 40s whose been at both the socials I attended. He asked me at my first social ever and we danced probably 80% of the dances together, many of them in a row. It was fairly small, maybe 30 or so people, and it was for students at an Arthur Murray studio. As far as I could tell, most of the people dancing knew each other because they’re students or friends of the studio and it seemed like me and this guy were some of the only outsiders.

He’s really really good and our connection is awesome - every dance feels so smooth and he barely needs to move his hand for me to get what he’s thinking. He’s super patient and stepped me through a cha cha and samba song even though I’d never danced them before. He’s definitely my favorite partner because we seem to dance the same way wearas with other leads, I feel like I’m not even dancing salsa because they’ve put so much of their own spin on the steps and form and I can’t follow. HOWEVER, browsing through some of these forums, it seems a little weird to me that he will keep me for 3 dances in a row and honestly would probably do more with me if I didn’t tell him I “needed water” as an excuse to separate and dance with other people. After one dance apart, he almost always approached me again for several more in a row. He’s great so I’m there for it but at the same time, I want to learn from other dancers. There’s a pretty significant language barrier so we haven’t ever had a real conversation besides “thanks, good dance” and he also doesn’t speak very clearly so I don’t really know what he says in response to my saying thank you and I can’t ask him what’s up.

lastly and probably most important, our bachata dances are REALLY close but I don’t think to the point it’s inappropriate but again, I’m new and it seems like only one other couple dances that lose. it’s not crotch to crotch but definitely cheek to cheek and our torsos are pressed together. The close positions have gotten longer and the spinning parts are less frweqent but maybe cause he’s tired?

I guess my question is, am I this guys project? Is that a thing that happens? Will other leads stop asking me if it looks like we’re in a relationship? Is this normal if two people have a really great connection? Am I better than I think I am and he’s just pumped to dance together?
He teaches me a lot of stuff and will repeat things until I get it and he’s the one who pushes me to learn a new dance and doesn’t seem to mind that we only do the basic for half the song until I get it, then he tries spinning me and I’ll mess up and then we go back to the basic etc


PPS seriously last thing but I thought this was weird too but maybe not? We did a merengue song and for half of it we literally just held each other’s arms and spun in a circle which as far as I could see, no one else was doing. He also rarely makes eye contact and seems to just keep his eyes around my torso/chest (not boobs because I was wearing a high neck top).

thank you in advance! Any thoughts at all would be appreciated

UPDATE

since y’all went to the trouble of reading my very long post, I wanted to update. I went out again to the same social but my possibly creepy friend was late which was great because I met a bunch of new people who were super fun. I also set up on the opposite side of the room which helped a lot so thanks for the tip!!

I think got some more context about my dancing ability and I think I did pretty well cause other leads, who from watching them with others looked really good, also asked for multiple dances in a row or at least for bachata and salsa so I think I’m generally a pretty good follow (??) and there were a lot of people who were similar in level to my original creep friend or better.

Once he arrived however, he asked me and then kept me for 3 in a row without evening attempting to ask if I wanted to and probably would have done more if I hadn’t just walked away. I think at one point we ended up doing 1 salsa and 2 bachatas in a row. I’ve noticed he’s not as creative as other leads so maybe not as good but our dances are very technically perfect which feels good not to mess up and be smooth the whole time.

here’s the drama, I was talking to someone else who asked for my instagram and commented that he’d been meaning to ask for a bachata and was disappointed we didn’t get to and I noticed the other guy just kinda pacing near my stuff.When I walked up to get it, I totally ignored him and avoided eye contact and when I got up to go, he mumbled something about if I wanted to walk out to the parking lot together to which I lied and said I needed to ask the DJ something and thankfully he left.

idk what’s up, it’s bizarre to me that we’ve never really spoken but he wanted to walk me out which I feel like is definitely a relationship move. I think the other people here are nice enough but seem to lack social skills and tend to the more inappropriate side. But I’m still having a great time!!

 

[jessica14harvey]

A third dance in a row might as well be a marriage proposal

haha good to know that’s how to translate salsa to English

 

[jessica14harvey]

I am going to reply your questions without looking at other guys' responses.

In social event, I have a code. I know popular followers are in high demand. I will not hoard a girl for many dances. Two songs are enough. I consider those guys who dance with the same girl song after song ass holes unless they are in a relationship.

So, I don't think he keeps you around is normal. You are 24, he's 40 something. His business with you should be dance a few songs together, chat a bit, and that's it. Anything other than that, he's interested. You might not think the same way, but he is. I assume there are other girls in your social?

Bachata close position. If you feel like cheek to cheek and torsos are pressed together most of the time, you need to tell him to stop unless you enjoy it. I dance closely with girls but all the girls know that's only from the outside. In between us, only the connection points are firmly locked, her boobs, her face won't touch my counter parts at all. Let me repeat it again to you: if it doesn't feel right, it's not right. An experienced dancer can achieve the same goal with multiple techniques. For instance, if my chest against your chest, it will make leading the side wave a lot easier. But I can easily achieve that by using my frame (arms and palms), and that's what I would do.

Sometimes, dances can get a bit more than you expected. One follower, she likes to keep me in close position. My chest is touching her chest when we are doing just the basic. She also doesn't wear bras. No one is stupid, she knows what she's doing. I won't complain about it. The heck, I admit I enjoy it most of the time. But that's consensual. In your case, I don't see that's the case.

My suggestion for you: Strike out yourself. Go ask other guys for dances. Go for the bigger crowd. You distribute your time evenly among dancers. Yes, you will also learn a lot from other guys.

thanks for giving it to me straight. I wasn’t sure if bachata sensual had to be that close. That in itself doesn’t bother me while we’re dancing because I love the connection of being that close but I definitely do not want to encourage this dude at all and I would prefer to achieve the same dance without mushing together and feeling like a hooker lol

And I mean ya haha there’s a pretty good split of girls to guys. I’d say the dances all seem 35+ except one other girl who was my age and assisted the instructor so I guess she’s a pro (or at least looked like it) and she didn’t dance very much.

 

[Chris_Yannick]

UPDATE

since y’all went to the trouble of reading my very long post, I wanted to update. I went out again to the same social but my possibly creepy friend was late which was great because I met a bunch of new people who were super fun. I also set up on the opposite side of the room which helped a lot so thanks for the tip!!

I think got some more context about my dancing ability and I think I did pretty well cause other leads, who from watching them with others looked really good, also asked for multiple dances in a row or at least for bachata and salsa so I think I’m generally a pretty good follow (??) and there were a lot of people who were similar in level to my original creep friend or better.

Once he arrived however, he asked me and then kept me for 3 in a row without evening attempting to ask if I wanted to and probably would have done more if I hadn’t just walked away. I think at one point we ended up doing 1 salsa and 2 bachatas in a row. I’ve noticed he’s not as creative as other leads so maybe not as good but our dances are very technically perfect which feels good not to mess up and be smooth the whole time.

here’s the drama, I was talking to someone else who asked for my instagram and commented that he’d been meaning to ask for a bachata and was disappointed we didn’t get to and I noticed the other guy just kinda pacing near my stuff.When I walked up to get it, I totally ignored him and avoided eye contact and when I got up to go, he mumbled something about if I wanted to walk out to the parking lot together to which I lied and said I needed to ask the DJ something and thankfully he left.

idk what’s up, it’s bizarre to me that we’ve never really spoken but he wanted to walk me out which I feel like is definitely a relationship move. I think the other people here are nice enough but seem to lack social skills and tend to the more inappropriate side. But I’m still having a great time!!

Sounds like you figured it out with minimal drama. Good stuff.