Low confidence, negativity and self criticism

D

dadada_486

Changui
Wondering if anyone here has this issue. I constantly believe I am rubbish, and much worse than other people, making me not want to dance. Both followers and leaders say I'm good, but I don't believe. I just think they are being nice, and that people who see me dance know how bad I really am.

It's hard to be a good confident dancer when you engage in negative self - talk. Realistically maybe I'm not rubbish, but just average or worst than average.
 
I had that for the first six years or so of dancing in a major way. It kept me from asking a lot of follows that I wanted to dance with and probably clouded my judgement on my own growth and the opportunities around me. That's an issue that's just not about dance. It's spilling into your dance life, but runs deeper.

So privately you have to just be mindful of the self talk and trust the process. The more you work at it, the more you will improve. You can still be critical of yourself, but you CANNOT stop dancing. PUBLICLY.......you're going to have to shut that down or re frame the self talk into being curious. Otherwise, it'll start being a turnoff to the folks around you.
 
dadada_486 said:
Wondering if anyone here has this issue. I constantly believe I am rubbish, and much worse than other people, making me not want to dance. Both followers and leaders say I'm good, but I don't believe. I just think they are being nice, and that people who see me dance know how bad I really am.
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Easy solution ;) Post a video, or send it to me if you don't want to post it publicly. I'm pretty direct (if the person wants honest feedback) so I will give you an objective opinion, at least based on what I can see in a video (some things, like how comfortable your lead is, can't be assessed properly from a video). My hunch is you are better than you think :)
 
dadada_486 said:
Wondering if anyone here has this issue. I constantly believe I am rubbish, and much worse than other people, making me not want to dance. Both followers and leaders say I'm good, but I don't believe. I just think they are being nice, and that people who see me dance know how bad I really am.

It's hard to be a good confident dancer when you engage in negative self - talk. Realistically maybe I'm not rubbish, but just average or worst than average.
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You’re not alone in this regard. There’s an overwhelming number of people who think they’re rubbish in some aspect of their dancing.

As @TurquoiseHexagon said, Re-framing helps. Turning around the idea of “I’m a bad dancer” to “these are the things I’m working on” or something that isn’t self-destructive will help ease the negative self-talk.

If people around you say that you’re good, I would take that at face value. It’s HIGHLY unlikely they’re throwing words around like that unless they mean it. So don’t just discard those words as if they are meaningless.

I am currently around a number of people much better than me who have absolutely terrible negative self-talk. No amount of praising or coddling is going to help them. They need to get their act together. It’s actually annoying when people who are really good engage in this behavior.

Not saying that’s you, but this problem is endemic especially in the trained dancing world. There are a lot of great people, but man do they take their dancing wayyyyyy too seriously.
 
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Chris_Yannick said:
I am currently around a number of people much better than me who have absolutely terrible negative self-talk. .
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????

Are you referring to those who have that attitude because they are on performance team? But then you also used double adjective "terrible negative", that's a far cry from self-critical mentality which comes with performing anything.
 
Btw, I live by a simple mantra when it comes to dancing, which is:

Know what you can do
Know what you can't do

Accept that which you can not do
Do not get frustrated by those things which you can not do

I have never gotten frustrated with my dancing since following these simple phrases.
 
Offbeat said:
????

Are you referring to those who have that attitude because they are on performance team? But then you also used double adjective "terrible negative", that's a far cry from self-critical mentality which comes with performing anything.
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I mean anyone who engages in negative self-talk. Many dancers do this whether they perform or not. Mostly comes from the trained dancing community when they compare themselves to other dancers. But also some dancers have low self-esteem and will bring themselves down on their own.
 
Offbeat said:
Now you are talking about wisdom that doesn’t come easily or without experience :)
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I just don't see a reason anymore to get frustrated over something I consider fun and my biggest passion. Also must be an age thing. I gave up trying to be perfect or comparing myself to other dancers a long time ago.
 
Sabrosura said:
Easy solution ;) Post a video, or send it to me if you don't want to post it publicly. I'm pretty direct (if the person wants honest feedback) so I will give you an objective opinion, at least based on what I can see in a video (some things, like how comfortable your lead is, can't be assessed properly from a video). My hunch is you are better than you think :)
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Actually, I don't like being filmed for this precise reason, so when some people ask to film me with them, I usually decline it. I have a feeling if I know how I look, I would probably stop dancing. Maybe I'm camera shy or have extremely low confidence in my looks, though I do take photos with others, but dancing is a different matter. I don't mind dancing in front of people though, sometimes even when only a few people are dancing. I'm not self-conscious or care how I look in front of others. My dance is my own and the partners. I feel like I'm in my own world. This is why I'm not sure I could ever be in a performance team.
 
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Forget performance teams but do get someone to film you for a minute or 2 with a reasonably good lead then send it to Sabs or post it on this forum. You might find when you see it that you're not bad. More importantly you will find out what you need to focus on.
 
Chris_Yannick said:
I just don't see a reason anymore to get frustrated over something I consider fun and my biggest passion. Also must be an age thing. I gave up trying to be perfect or comparing myself to other dancers a long time ago.
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It sure seems to be heavily correlated with age (for me). So even if it likely gets better over time, I’m afraid time travel is not going to be a realistic solution here… :p
 
dadada_486 said:
I have a feeling if I know how I look, I would probably stop dancing. Maybe I'm camera shy or have extremely low confidence in my looks, though I do take photos with others, but dancing is a different matter.
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This isn’t very unique. Many dancers do not like watching themselves on film. There is usually very high dissonance between someone’s perceived dancing abilities and how they look on camera. So not liking being captured on film isn’t necessarily a sign of low confidence. It’s pretty normal.

But yeah, I’d probably decline recording myself dancing and posting it online too if asked to do so and hadn’t done so before.
 
Chris_Yannick said:
This isn’t very unique. Many dancers do not like watching themselves on film. There is usually very high dissonance between someone’s perceived dancing abilities and how they look on camera. So not liking being captured on film isn’t necessarily a sign of low confidence. It’s pretty normal.

But yeah, I’d probably decline recording myself dancing and posting it online too if asked to do so and hadn’t done so before.
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Everytime I see myself in a photo I want to quit dancing.
 
1derpalm said:
Everytime I see myself in a photo I want to quit dancing.
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Yeah.. for some reason, when I see pictures of others, they always look good and are in the perfect pose while when I see pictures of myself, it’s when I have a strange half-smile (or no smile) and I’m in an awkward pose. Yet I swear I am smiling 90% of the time when I dance with a partner.
 
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