Jealous of gf salsa dancing

[Platypus]

I would call that having a healthy relationship with ex's. Not everyone decides to hate their former partners because they broke up. Many times you date someone who was a friends before, you both see it isn't going to work early on, call it a day, back to friends, no harm done.

Same here. My ex is still my favorite salsa partner.

 

[azzey]

I am in a relationship that blossomed from salsa, however I had never dated a sala girl before however my gf seems to have dated quite a few. It really gets me so annoyed when she dances with her ex boyfriends, the ones I know of and ones I do not. What other situation in life does someone get so intimate with previous partners and it seems ok, we'll she thinks so anyway
I have now given up as I get wound up when she does dance with an ex

One thing to realise is that the "intimacy" you feel when you start dancing wears off the more you do it. So if she's been dancing for a good while her feeling may be more like "enjoyment" than "intimacy" with these guys, even though they're ex's. What you see as intimate may be more like a good conversation to her. Afterall you can't be intimate with everyone.

Proximity (or intimate looking moves) for dancers doesn't equal real intimacy most of the time. That's a very common misnomer that non-dancers don't understand. It just comes part-and-parcel with the dance. Salsa dancing and dancing with someone in a regular club are not the same thing.

 

[Jlow]

One thing to realise is that the "intimacy" you feel when you start dancing wears off the more you do it. So if she's been dancing for a good while her feeling may be more like "enjoyment" than "intimacy" with these guys, even though they're ex's. What you see as intimate may be more like a good conversation to her. Afterall you can't be intimate with everyone.

Proximity (or intimate looking moves) for dancers doesn't equal real intimacy most of the time. That's a very common misnomer that non-dancers don't understand. It just comes part-and-parcel with the dance. Salsa dancing and dancing with someone in a regular club are not the same thing.

Mm guess if I took an ex out for dinner would be ok, only chatting, not close body contact such as salsa
Actually know of a few couples that do not dance because of the same reason, cos one or both partners have done the rounds in salsa.

 

[Q_Wally]

I just want to add my 2 cents here.

Everyone here seems to suggesting that oh there is nothing wrong with her salsa dancing etc. It seems like everyone is placing the emphasis on the guy to someone learn to "get over" his jealously or feelings. I have a different perspective. I think no matter how good a relationship is, there is always potential for it to be ruined by one thing or another. People make mistakes and people fall to temptation. I think if he is not comfortable with her salsa dancing then she should consider his feelings and if she loves him she would make some sort of compromise. Maybe she agrees to never dance with anyone for longer than one song or maybe she agrees to only go salsa dancing once a month. Or maybe she agrees to just stop it. Or maybe she agrees to only dance with him or with guys he is comfortable with her dancing with. I think his feelings are just as important.

 

[sagitta]

If there is a feeling of jealousy it definitely says that there is something that must be addressed in the relationship dynamics. I will say from experience that not wanting your partner to do something and expressing that can be very counterproductive if one is not careful how ones does it. From a relationship standpoint if the two people care for each other an amicable compromise or balance point will be worked out that is beneficial to both parties. But, if it is approached from the selfish standpoint it will not.

 

[wildbill20056]

Compromise is fine, her agreeing to stop is not compromise. I compromise with my own partner of several years in my own dancing, but she doesn't think I'm going to run off with some salsa girl, it's just a question of time. You owe your partner your time and care, so yes if they don't dance (And even if they do), there should be a natural desire to spend time with your gf/bf in many and various situations. This by default means you won't be going out dancing everynight till all hours. If there is no such desire to spend time with the partner, then end the relationship before you start trying to manipulate a man/woman into being who you want them to be, rather than who they are.

 

[calichris10]

These posts are very nice and give helpful tips but I have a different take on the question. While yes most of the time its "just dancing" there are instances where the chemistry between two people is too strong to deny...And when you share a great connection in a dance it sparks something because you have shared something special and intimate together... so the next thought is "hmmm if we dance that good together wonder what we would be like in bed together".
There are some guys I wouldn't normally look twice at but if hes a great dancer and we have a connection, different story. The not dancing more than one song with any one guy is good advice.
So in all honesty you are right to be jealous.

 

[Sabrosura]

These posts are very nice and give helpful tips but I have a different take on the question. While yes most of the time its "just dancing" there are instances where the chemistry between two people is too strong to deny...And when you share a great connection in a dance it sparks something because you have shared something special and intimate together... so the next thought is "hmmm if we dance that good together wonder what we would be like in bed together".

Yes, those thoughts will come and go, but they only "take hold" if the person is already in an ambiguous mental commitment state i.e. they are not really committed to their partner. People have those thoughts everywhere, even if you're not dancing perhaps you are waiting in line having a casual conversation with someone and you realize you have an amazing chemistry with them, and your mind starts wandering, etc. Sure dancing will give you more of those opportunities but again, what matters is your state of mind. We have plenty of people in committed relationship on the forum (married, etc.) who have been dancing for many years.

It is also true, for example, that the more romantic "options" we perceive we have, for example in big cities vs. small towns, the less committed-minded we tend to be, i.e. people in big cities tend to be less willing to commit/marry than people in small towns. Does that mean big cities are to blame if one's partner cheats? Or that no one in small towns cheats? The environment is always providing opportunities one way or another, it is the person who decides (or not) whether they are committed or not.

 

[calichris10]

Yes, those thoughts will come and go, but they only "take hold" if the person is already in an ambiguous mental commitment state i.e. they are not really committed to their partner. People have those thoughts everywhere, even if you're not dancing perhaps you are waiting in line having a casual conversation with someone and you realize you have an amazing chemistry with them, and your mind starts wandering, etc. Sure dancing will give you more of those opportunities but again, what matters is your state of mind. We have plenty of people in committed relationship on the forum (married, etc.) who have been dancing for many years.

It is also true, for example, that the more romantic "options" we perceive we have, for example in big cities vs. small towns, the less committed-minded we tend to be, i.e. people in big cities tend to be less willing to commit/marry than people in small towns. Does that mean big cities are to blame if one's partner cheats? Or that no one in small towns cheats? The environment is always providing opportunities one way or another, it is the person who decides (or not) whether they are committed or not.

,
Yes, but Salsa can be very intimate...of course most of the time its not but it only takes that one.
The closeness, the eye contact, heat, sweat, emotions from the music...That doesn't happen standing in line at starbucks. Committed relationship or not everyone is human and sometimes its hard to resist temptation. Of course everyone wants to think it wouldn't happen to them but that is not very realistic.

 

[Sabrosura]

,
Yes, but Salsa can be very intimate...of course most of the time its not but it only takes that one.
The closeness, the eye contact, heat, sweat, emotions from the music...That doesn't happen standing in line at starbucks. Committed relationship or not everyone is human and sometimes its hard to resist temptation. Of course everyone wants to think it wouldn't happen to them but that is not very realistic.

I don't know about your salsa scene, but in our scene people generally don't date or have romantic affairs with other dancers in the scene. Sure it happens occasionally, but it's pretty rare. There is lots of flirty dancing, sure, but it's not real flirting, it ends once the dance ends.

I'm not referring to Latino dance places which are different than salsa scene places (I posted about this earlier in the thread).

 

[calichris10]

I don't know about your salsa scene, but in our scene people generally don't date or have romantic affairs with other dancers in the scene. Sure it happens occasionally, but it's pretty rare. There is lots of flirty dancing, sure, but it's not real flirting, it ends once the dance ends.

I'm not referring to Latino dance places which are different than salsa scene places (I posted about this earlier in the thread).

I've danced all over the country...and yes in my salsa scene I know couples who met dancing, sadly most have broken up. I am in a committed relationship and we met dancing. I Agree with you quickies are rare...but I think it happens more than you think. No se lo que quieres decir con "latino clubs"?

 

[Kading]

I don't know about your salsa scene, but in our scene people generally don't date or have romantic affairs with other dancers in the scene. Sure it happens occasionally, but it's pretty rare. There is lots of flirty dancing, sure, but it's not real flirting, it ends once the dance ends.

I'm not referring to Latino dance places which are different than salsa scene places (I posted about this earlier in the thread).

Did I dance in the same NYC scene as you ? A lot of things were/are happening over there.

 

[Sabrosura]

Did I dance in the same NYC scene as you ? A lot of things were/are happening over there.

Lol well you danced at a lot more parties than I usually do when you were here, my main hangout now is LVG and occasionally Jimmy's, Abakua, Salsamania, etc. I don't see anyone making out/flirting on the side there. (Though truth be told I am usually too busy dancing to pay too much attention to what people are doing on the side, but these studios are usually not ideal makeout places in any case.) I only know of 2-3 salsa scene couples that met in the scene.

Do tell, what exactly were you seeing and where?

P.S. Or are you talking about your personal experiences?

 

[Kading]

Lol well you danced at a lot more parties than I usually do when you were here, my main hangout now is LVG and occasionally Jimmy's, Abakua, Salsamania, etc. I don't see anyone making out/flirting on the side there. (Though truth be told I am usually too busy dancing to pay too much attention to what people are doing on the side, but these studios are usually not ideal makeout places in any case.) I only know of 2-3 salsa scene couples that met in the scene. I'm talking about scene regulars not those who come and go...

Do tell, what exactly were you seeing and where?

Taj, Solas and Cache (beginning) used to happen a lot. People just dancing some songs with each, a drink, and all of a sudden both leave alone with a few minutes distance between them leaving. Pretty obvious I also talked with a few people and they had a lot of gossip as well with which regulars have had sex with who. There are quiet some regulars have had sex one another one point in time. This makes sense though since you spend so much time dancing and not meet much other people so naturally.... I also saw certain uptown teachers dating with their students at either Taj or some non-salsa place. I agree at socials like LVG and Jimmy Anton not much (close to nothing) happens.
Especially on congresses a lot happens though.

 

[SnowDancer]

,
Yes, but Salsa can be very intimate...of course most of the time its not but it only takes that one.
The closeness, the eye contact, heat, sweat, emotions from the music...That doesn't happen standing in line at starbucks. Committed relationship or not everyone is human and sometimes its hard to resist temptation. Of course everyone wants to think it wouldn't happen to them but that is not very realistic.

All true, but there's a more positive spin as well: A woman who dances regularly may have more immunity against male attention. In other words, the OP's girlfriend, if she weren't a dancer, could be a lot more susceptible to the male attention she gets at, say, the coffee shop or grocery store. Dancers, both men and women, have a lot more experience being friendly with the opposite sex.

 

[calichris10]

All true, but there's a more positive spin as well: A woman who dances regularly may have more immunity against male attention. In other words, the OP's girlfriend, if she weren't a dancer, could be a lot more susceptible to the male attention she gets at, say, the coffee shop or grocery store. Dancers, both men and women, have a lot more experience being friendly with the opposite sex.

True...and I think making great connections and having chemistry is very positive...its human. And whats wrong with a man being a man and asking for your number if he thinks you are hot ,right? Womans perogative to say no. So many people on this thread think that hook ups don't happen in salsa...Kinda crazy.

 

[Sabrosura]

Especially on congresses a lot happens though.

I know that's the common perception but have people who go to congresses often actually experienced this? (Talking about weekend congresses, not the weeklong beach festivals which are a different story) It sounds more like bragging than anything honestly. From what I've seen after the congress parties most people are crowded together in hotel rooms drinking/yelling around, there's no way to get privacy, and when the drinking/after-party finally dies down in the morning everyone is too dead to do much else Sure you can sneak out during the social dancing to hope to get a room to yourself while your 5- 6 other roommates are dancing (and hope they don't come up to change ), but I'm inclined to think that doesn't happen as often, as someone once said, "I don't pay $300-400 to to go to a congress just to lock myself in a room with someone"

Taj, Solas and Cache (beginning) used to happen a lot

Right, those are bars/clubs and a very eclectic mix of salsa scene regulars and non-regulars, in places like that yeah more things happen, just like in normal bars/clubs.

I also talked with a few people and they had a lot of gossip as well with which regulars have had sex with who. There are quiet some regulars have had sex one another one point in time.

Okay but this is all gossip really. You can't really know for sure unless you hear directly from those who tell you directly that they slept with so-and-so (and even those people could be just bragging especially guys ). I'm talking about actually seeing scene regulars together, don't see that often. (Thought it sounds like it happens more in the uptown scene which I don't frequent).

Anyways not saying it doesn't happen, just not as often as it would seem to someone who does not dance and all they think about when they hear "salsa dancing" is people having lots of sex after they dance. It really depends on each person. Someone who has lots of hook-ups in their pre-salsa life will continue to do so in the salsa scene.

And yeah instructors...that's a different issue lol.

 

[calichris10]

I know that's the common perception but have people who go to congresses often actually experienced this? (Talking about weekend congresses, not the weeklong beach festivals which are a different story) It sounds more like bragging than anything honestly. From what I've seen after the congress parties most people are crowded together in hotel rooms drinking/yelling around, there's no way to get privacy, and when the drinking/after-party finally dies down in the morning everyone is too dead to do much else Sure you can sneak out during the social dancing to hope to get a room to yourself while your 5- 6 other roommates are dancing (and hope they don't come up to change ), but I'm inclined to think that doesn't happen as often, as someone once said, "I don't pay $300-400 to to go to a congress just to lock myself in a room with someone"



Right, those are bars/clubs and a very eclectic mix of salsa scene regulars and non-regulars, in places like that yeah more things happen, just like in normal bars/clubs.



Okay but this is all gossip really. You can't really know for sure unless you hear directly from those who tell you directly that they slept with so-and-so (and even those people could be just bragging especially guys ). I'm talking about actually seeing scene regulars together, don't see that often. (Thought it sounds like it happens more in the uptown scene which I don't frequent).

Anyways not saying it doesn't happen, just not as often as it would seem to someone who does not dance and all they think about when they hear "salsa dancing" is people having lots of sex after they dance. It really depends on each person. Someone who has lots of hook-ups in their pre-salsa life will continue to do so in the salsa scene.

And yeah instructors...that's a different issue lol.

If regulars are hooking up you will not see it, they won't arrive to the club/social together, that would cause drama. When people travel in the same circle and see each other all the time its bound to happen. Its not necessarily a bad thing if you are single and know how to be discreet.

 

[Kading]

I know that's the common perception but have people who go to congresses often actually experienced this? (Talking about weekend congresses, not the weeklong beach festivals which are a different story) It sounds more like bragging than anything honestly. From what I've seen after the congress parties most people are crowded together in hotel rooms drinking/yelling around, there's no way to get privacy, and when the drinking/after-party finally dies down in the morning everyone is too dead to do much else Sure you can sneak out during the social dancing to hope to get a room to yourself while your 5- 6 other roommates are dancing (and hope they don't come up to change ), but I'm inclined to think that doesn't happen as often, as someone once said, "I don't pay $300-400 to to go to a congress just to lock myself in a room with someone"



Right, those are bars/clubs and a very eclectic mix of salsa scene regulars and non-regulars, in places like that yeah more things happen, just like in normal bars/clubs.



Okay but this is all gossip really. You can't really know for sure unless you hear directly from those who tell you directly that they slept with so-and-so (and even those people could be just bragging especially guys ). I'm talking about actually seeing scene regulars together, don't see that often. (Thought it sounds like it happens more in the uptown scene which I don't frequent).

Anyways not saying it doesn't happen, just not as often as it would seem to someone who does not dance and all they think about when they hear "salsa dancing" is people having lots of sex after they dance. It really depends on each person. Someone who has lots of hook-ups in their pre-salsa life will continue to do so in the salsa scene.

And yeah instructors...that's a different issue lol.

Oh yeah for sure. If I wanted to get laid I'd just visit a normal club and there is a much higher chance I'd walk out 'getting some'. The alcohol consumption alone makes a huge difference.
I do think salsa dancing is a lot more 'sneaky' about flirting since you automatically have physical contact while dancing. In a club its clear, if you dance with someone for more than 30 seconds you're usually into them or at least are interested. In salsa dancing you can have 3 dances in a row very sensual, but yet feel nothing towards the guy/girl off the dance floor. A lot of mixed signals bounce around the dance floor, which makes it easier to get confused. A lot of advantage is taken of this confusion as well by certain people.

 

[Offbeat]

,
Yes, but Salsa can be very intimate...of course most of the time its not but it only takes that one.
The closeness, the eye contact, heat, sweat, emotions from the music...That doesn't happen standing in line at starbucks. Committed relationship or not everyone is human and sometimes its hard to resist temptation. Of course everyone wants to think it wouldn't happen to them but that is not very realistic.

If you are calling Salsa intimate based on that, I wonder what you will call Tango!

After dancing for a while, you get immune to the type of intimacy you are describing. If you say the bold part is more likely to cause temptations in partner dancing situations (relative to other activities) and following your argument to its logical conclusion - then your bottom-line is that more temptations translates into lower commitment level. Or that for commitment to exist there needs to be less or zero temptations True neither I nor you know what we might get tempted to tomorrow. However the very definition of commitment is ability to withstand temptations.