How to refuse a dance(r)?

A

amaryllian

I was wondering if anyone could write me some good advice. How to refuse dance - for this moment/evening or for all times - and not to hurt the persons feelings?

Mostly I don't have problem if it is for this moment, but when it comes that I don't want to dance with this person this evening, or not at all - big problem. I even know few dancers which are refusing when i say "i don't wanna dance"

And what if i refuse dance with one person and someone else asks me minute later and i really wanna dance with the other person, but don't wanna hurt the other person?

thnx..[/i]
 
Basically a polite but straight "No, Thanks." or "No, Thankyou." will do it for most dancers.

If you make excuses like "I don't like this music", or "I don't know how to dance" etc. it will just encourage them to ask again. After a couple of times of getting straight "No, thanks" most guys will give up for that night and sometimes for longer than that.

There are always some guys who will ask regardless and in that situation more stringent measures may be necessary if you are being hassled. Same thing as if some guy is hassling you in a regular club.. get your friend to tell him you said no, then if he persists tell him to buzz off.

The majority of regular dancers are just interested in having a good time and do not want to waste their time past a certain point.

Have a read of the threads Dance Refusals and Leader's Blacklist as they covers these issues in detail from a male and female perspective.
 
i think if you turn some1 down for whatever reason then some1 else asks you its considered polite to then dance the next song (although the 2nd guy might be a bit more persuasive and then u dance - this was mentioned the other day). i asked some1 the other day, they said "no thanks", some1 else asked they said yes. wasnt annoyed, found myself smirking (maybe thinking: you've just been blacklisted 4ever :twisted: but probably wont remember face in 2weeks).
 
nowhiteshoes said:
i think if you turn some1 down for whatever reason then some1 else asks you its considered polite to then dance the next song (although the 2nd guy might be a bit more persuasive and then u dance - this was mentioned the other day). i asked some1 the other day, they said "no thanks", some1 else asked they said yes. wasnt annoyed, found myself smirking (maybe thinking: you've just been blacklisted 4ever :twisted: but probably wont remember face in 2weeks).
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You know, your avatar scares me for some reason. I liked the flumps however it keeps staring at me! :lol:
 
Last tuesday i askEd a non-dancer. She said no. I then danced with her two friends and came back to her and she said no, again. And I don't dance. I told her toa sk her friends. they enjoyed the dancing and they don't really know either. Then she said fine and enjoyed the dance. But, that's me. ;-)
 
sagitta said:
Last tuesday i askEd a non-dancer. She said no. I then danced with her two friends and came back to her and she said no, again. And I don't dance. I told her toa sk her friends. they enjoyed the dancing and they don't really know either. Then she said fine and enjoyed the dance. But, that's me. ;-)
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A "no" can have several meanings.
I will provide you with my personal top 3 8)
1. No, I don't want to dance with a partner. This leaves room for the possibility of dancing with someone but without having him too close. I'm sorry :oops: ; I sometimes have those days.
2. No, I cannot adapt to your particular style (be it Cuban, LA or NY-style, Colombian or otherwise)
3. No, I can't dance. Sometimes a particular issue such as an injury doesn't allow you to dance but one can always go to a salsa club to enjoy the music. :)

But my best advice to you, sagitta, is to not take it too personally ;)

And to react to the original dilemma of advise on saying no without hurting the feelings of "rejectee":
The person refusing a dance should provide a little more information than just the particular two-letter word. But remember to be brief but remain polite. One suggestion is: No, I'm waiting on my partner. He has gone to get us some drinks ..

Dancing salsa is a social interaction both on and off the dancefloor :idea:
 
Yet again, problems are minimised if you stick to the basic etquette. If only people do, there will be a lot less hurt feelings:

If you say 'no thanks' without indicating in some way that you would be open to dancing with that person at another time, then they should not ask you again.

If you want to reactivate the possibility, you then have to ask them.

If the person ignores a straight refusal and asks again, it isn't a good idea to give in (that only encourages people to ignore the etiquette - sorry, sagitta!). Just repeat 'no, thanks' and if you might want to dance with them at a different time, add either 'but please ask me later' or 'I will ask you when I am ready.'

That should do it.

You have to accept that if you refuse a dance without offering a true explanation, then go off and accept another offer, you should be on the 'Do Not Ask' list of the person you refused until you take the initiative to undo that.
 
Firm but gentle. But firm.

"Aww, thanks, but I'll pass. Thanks."

As azzey says, resist the urge to make empty promises like "do ask again" since this simply adds insult to injury.

The quicker the better. From a guy's point of view it smarts to be turned down, but laboring the point only makes it more difficult to weather. A quick 'no' and I can move on - I can be back on the dance floor before I really realise someone's turned me down.

So there are two issues:

1) Communication: be clear that you don't want to dance now, nor later, nor tomorrow.
2) Humiliation: make it quick and dignified!
 
nowhiteshoes said:
i think if you turn some1 down for whatever reason then some1 else asks you its considered polite to then dance the next song
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This is very true and if you say no to a person then dance with another, you are likely to be blacklisted by the first person. But since amaryllian's point is that she doesn't want to dance with the first person anyway, it may be one way of achieving what she wants... :twisted:

I agree with others about being firm. Amaryllian, is there any specific reason why you don't want to dance with this person? It may help to be blunt and just explain why you don't want to dance.
 
nowhiteshoes said:
You know, your avatar scares me for some reason. I liked the flumps however it keeps staring at me!
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i see what you mean, those sinister eyes. was thinking of changing to the incredible hulk.
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Yes, that would be less scary! :lol:
 
Related issue: how to politely decline a redirect, i.e. when someone when asked to dance suggests that I dance with her friend instead.

Is there something I can say that doesn't hurt her or her friend, to which she's redirecting, but stops her from doing such things in the future?

This happened today, I asked a salsera that I know to dance, she asked me to ask her friend. I did that, reluctantly, and she said no (probably because she doubted her skill level). Then her friend insisted that she accept and asked me to ask her again. She declined again. Had she accepted then the outcome would probably have been that two people, of which neither wanted, were dancing with each other. Why do people behave like this?
 
I've got the same experience and I find it very impolite.

I was just resting a song or two, usually I dance many songs non-stop and then rest.

And this girl that was dancing just in front of me, interrupts her dance to say hello and comes and tell me, "go dance with my friend, the one on white there, she is waiting for somebody to dance with her".

So I went and ask her and she refuses me in an impolite way in front of many people. :?

I don't like to be refused, but I accept the refusal if is me who asked. then OK. but I just asked that girl because her friend told me so. that kind of refusal was unwelcome.

Ron Obvious said:
Related issue: how to politely decline a redirect, i.e. when someone when asked to dance suggests that I dance with her friend instead.

Is there something I can say that doesn't hurt her or her friend, to which she's redirecting, but stops her from doing such things in the future?

This happened today, I asked a salsera that I know to dance, she asked me to ask her friend. I did that, reluctantly, and she said no (probably because she doubted her skill level). Then her friend insisted that she accept and asked me to ask her again. She declined again. Had she accepted then the outcome would probably have been that two people, of which neither wanted, were dancing with each other. Why do people behave like this?
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Ron Obvious said:
Is there something I can say that doesn't hurt her or her friend, to which she's redirecting, but stops her from doing such things in the future?
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Redirects are plain and simple a way for the person you asked to get out of saying no without feeling guilty, since you either ask her friend and she says yes/no or you would essentially be rejecting her friend. It is actually more likely that her friend will say no than yes and the redirectee knows this, that's why she did it. To defer the guilt.

Imagine you were asking someone for a date and they did this? How would you react?

Redirecting has happened to me in the past and I deal with it by jokingly telling the lady off, saying it's rude etc. I am polite to her friend of course and say maybe we can dance later. I only ask the friend immediately if I really really want to. That way I don't feel caught inbetween a rock and a hard place.
 
I don't think I've been in this bemusing (and very funny if you're not the victim!) situation. When I have been redirected, I've either said "uh, I was asking you, not your friend!" or I've gone to the friend and been frank: "Hi, your friend says I should dance with you... would you like to?" After that, if the friend turns you down, it's really big deal since you're only asking her out of politeness to her friend.

What strange behavior to get this on a repeated cycle though! I guess friend A was trying to get friend B over being so inhibited but friend B was not in the mood for personal growth that night!
 
Yes, that's what I should have said. They were sitting at the same table so her friend heard the redirect order, but I could have just repeated that nevertheless.

I don't think she was redirecting because she didn't want to dance herself, I think she was feeling guilty for her friend who didn't dance that night.
 
Ron Obvious said:
Yes, that's what I should have said. They were sitting at the same table so her friend heard the redirect order, but I could have just repeated that nevertheless.

I don't think she was redirecting because she didn't want to dance herself, I think she was feeling guilty for her friend who didn't dance that night.
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Ah well, if that's the case, then there are better ways to do it. Since the song may not be appropriate for her friends level it would be better for her to ask you while out of earshot of her friend (e.g. while dancing with her). That way you are not obliged to ask her immediately and can just say "sure, I'd love to when the right song comes on." If you really don't want to dance with her/can't dance with her for some reason you still have the freedom to say no.

I've had one or two times when this has backfired for the friend of the deferer. i.e. When someone who doesn't want to dance with me (for some unknown reason) has her friend say "oh you must dance with him!", not realising. I just stand there and chuckle inwardly at the situation as her friend looks uncomfortable. :twisted: Either way it pays to have a relaxed attitude and an easy way of coping with these situations. :D

These cases are usually with non-dancers ; The latin clubs/restaurants I have frequented in the past have had a lot of non-salsa dancer traffic.
 
azzey said:
Ah well, if that's the case, then there are better ways to do it. Since the song may not be appropriate for her friends level it would be better for her to ask you while out of earshot of her friend (e.g. while dancing with her). That way you are not obliged to ask her immediately and can just say "sure, I'd love to when the right song comes on." If you really don't want to dance with her/can't dance with her for some reason you still have the freedom to say no.
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I would have preferred that way of handling it, yes. Dance suggestions are actually very welcome, and I don't mind dancing with beginners at all, it's just that I want to keep the option of asking myself.
 
azzey said:
Ron Obvious said:
Yes, that's what I should have said. They were sitting at the same table so her friend heard the redirect order, but I could have just repeated that nevertheless.

I don't think she was redirecting because she didn't want to dance herself, I think she was feeling guilty for her friend who didn't dance that night.
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Ah well, if that's the case, then there are better ways to do it. Since the song may not be appropriate for her friends level it would be better for her to ask you while out of earshot of her friend (e.g. while dancing with her). That way you are not obliged to ask her immediately and can just say "sure, I'd love to when the right song comes on." If you really don't want to dance with her/can't dance with her for some reason you still have the freedom to say no.
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That is what usually happens for me. They ask me to dance with their friend while dancing with me. The amusing thing is that the dj on THursday nights lets me know who is there to dance when I coem in. Also the other night there was a girl at the bar who wanted to dance, but wasn't getting asked as she was at the bar. The bartender whom I don't really know as I don't buy many drinks or even snacks, comes up to me and points out the girl and says she really wants to dance. I liked the latter instance as that shows people notice my general attitude. They know I'm friendly and ask everyone to dance (well except the one).
 
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