Ive taken lessons for about 3 yeARS . I am a good dancer but i usually have to ask guys to dance. Ive tried to get an honest answer to why the guys do not ask me to dance but will dance if I ask. Recently a male latino salso dancer friend said that its because I dance the timba style as opposed to salsa. He said that he will not ask women to dance who dance timba. He said that most guys do not like that style. I had no idea what timba was. I thought I was dancing salsa. Can someone give me some tips on my delima. I am usually the only african american lady in the place. The guys stare and compliment me on how beautiful I am all the time so I know its not my looks. The ones that will ask tend to grind on me more than just dancing. Why? Is it me? or am i giving off the wrong signal. I just want to dance.
Follower not being asked to dance - Why?
- Thread starter braider1
- Start date
Welcome to SF; braider1!
First, I hope you don't mind that I edited the title of your post, but it was very generic. With a more specific title, your thread will receive more attention as people directly have an idea what this thread is going to be about.
I don't think I've heard so far of a 'timba style' as a style of salsa dancing, so I'm wondering if you probably rather mean cuban style. Would you mind clarifying what timba style is? Also you mention that you've been learning for 3 years this style of salsa dancing, so I'm wondering have you seen any other people when going out dancing this style of salsa? Or is everybody else who you see dancing, dancing a completely different style then the one you've learned? Also have you talked or considered talking to your instructors about where they go out to as they probably should know where you can best dance the style they teach in your town?
So far I find it very difficult to say anything about the cause of you having to stand around rather to dance. I'ld first like to find out a bit more about your situation and about the 'timba style' that you refer to, before I'll come up with any conclusion and suggestion about your situation.
First, I hope you don't mind that I edited the title of your post, but it was very generic. With a more specific title, your thread will receive more attention as people directly have an idea what this thread is going to be about.
I don't think I've heard so far of a 'timba style' as a style of salsa dancing, so I'm wondering if you probably rather mean cuban style. Would you mind clarifying what timba style is? Also you mention that you've been learning for 3 years this style of salsa dancing, so I'm wondering have you seen any other people when going out dancing this style of salsa? Or is everybody else who you see dancing, dancing a completely different style then the one you've learned? Also have you talked or considered talking to your instructors about where they go out to as they probably should know where you can best dance the style they teach in your town?
So far I find it very difficult to say anything about the cause of you having to stand around rather to dance. I'ld first like to find out a bit more about your situation and about the 'timba style' that you refer to, before I'll come up with any conclusion and suggestion about your situation.
ColdSalsero
Son
What would also be helpful to know is what styles the other dancers dance: LA, New York, or the "I don't have a style, I just dance" types?
Also, how popular and mainstream is salsa in this particular community...like as popular in New York or LA? Or is this some smaller city or town out in the middle of nowhere?
Also, how popular and mainstream is salsa in this particular community...like as popular in New York or LA? Or is this some smaller city or town out in the middle of nowhere?
TwoLeftFeet
Son
Also when you say 'guys' do you mean random salsa people in clubs or do you mean even the guys from your classes dont ask?
redsalsero
Changui
have you seen this already
http://www.salsaforums.com/showthread.php?t=4847&highlight=followers
its about leaders and their reason for blacklisting followers.
a few of mine
ofcourse there are many reasons why random people will not ask you.
it can depend on The venue itself. if your new it might take a while for people to get recognize you. or even if you have been there everytime some salsa people will dance only within their group.
also another reason might be places where you stand if leaders can see you.
i would not come get you if your sitting or you are behind tables.
or the way you present yourself. if you have crossed your arms. it does not make you aproachable or not smiling. such people i dont ask to dance because it increases chance to get rejected. but even then we just might not have the connection either way.
also there was a thread tips on getting more dances.. i cant seem to find it
http://www.salsaforums.com/showthread.php?t=4847&highlight=followers
its about leaders and their reason for blacklisting followers.
a few of mine
ofcourse there are many reasons why random people will not ask you.
it can depend on The venue itself. if your new it might take a while for people to get recognize you. or even if you have been there everytime some salsa people will dance only within their group.
also another reason might be places where you stand if leaders can see you.
i would not come get you if your sitting or you are behind tables.
or the way you present yourself. if you have crossed your arms. it does not make you aproachable or not smiling. such people i dont ask to dance because it increases chance to get rejected. but even then we just might not have the connection either way.
also there was a thread tips on getting more dances.. i cant seem to find it
wildbill20056
Son Montuno
Agreed, would need to know a little more before being able to form an opinion. First off sounds somewhat like maybe you are turning up to a slot-salsa venue and are a Cuban style dancer, but I would guess you'd pick up on others dancing differently if that were the case. Back to needing more info 
timberamayor
Son Montuno
I think Chrisk is right, you need to ask your teachers what style of salsa they are teaching. there is no "timba style" as the man you were dancing with called it. Timba is used to refer to modern Cuban salsa music, but the dance is called casino or just Cuban style salsa.
So if your partner meant that you were dancing Cuban style salsa and everyone else was dancing some form of cross-body salsa, and they didn't want to dance with people who don't dance cross-body, that makes sense.
Like wildbill I would think that after dancing for 3 years you would probably notice if everyone at the club dances differently than you. But the first time I satrted dancing with people who dance xbody, I didn't know they were dancing a different style, I just couldn't understand why I couldn't follow their lead.
Also as Chrisk said, ask your teachers where they go dancing. I mean if there have a bunch of students who are learning from them, there must be people who dance the same style that you do. I would even recommend trying to get a group of people from your class to go out together. It's a good way to be sure you have people you know you can dance with until you build up more friendships with the people at the clubs.
So if your partner meant that you were dancing Cuban style salsa and everyone else was dancing some form of cross-body salsa, and they didn't want to dance with people who don't dance cross-body, that makes sense.
Like wildbill I would think that after dancing for 3 years you would probably notice if everyone at the club dances differently than you. But the first time I satrted dancing with people who dance xbody, I didn't know they were dancing a different style, I just couldn't understand why I couldn't follow their lead.
Also as Chrisk said, ask your teachers where they go dancing. I mean if there have a bunch of students who are learning from them, there must be people who dance the same style that you do. I would even recommend trying to get a group of people from your class to go out together. It's a good way to be sure you have people you know you can dance with until you build up more friendships with the people at the clubs.
Have you tried different teachers? If that is something obvious why are not they telling you? Also why do you think you're a good dancer? There are teachers who let students come to classes, even if they are not evolving. $$
We could "diagnose" timing issues and what is "timba style", if you'd show us a video of you dancing. Can be solo.
We could "diagnose" timing issues and what is "timba style", if you'd show us a video of you dancing. Can be solo.
Big10
Son
As some of the other posters have written, you should figure out where your instructors and fellow students dance socially. If you visit the same places where other people are dancing your style and you still don't get asked to dance, then there are probably some other issues involved. Maybe your friend was just being nice and not wanting to hurt your feelings regarding other issues. Are you not as good as you think you are? Any potential hygiene issues? Do you have an "unwelcoming" appearance, like always keeping your arms folded and/or rarely smiling? Obviously, I don't know who you are, but I'm just raising issues that have been previously discussed on this Forum about reasons why men do or don't ask certain women to dance.
We actually had a prior discussion on this Forum about black women not getting asked to dance enough. It starts by me, around 12 posts down into this thread:
http://www.salsaforums.com/showthread.php?t=12585
By saying that you are "the only African American lady in the place," then is that also a reflection of your city's overall demographics, such that African Americans are a rare or much smaller minority in general? (Which is also a reason why people might "stare.") If people in the whole area (or even just the particular clubs) are not used to interacting with black women on a personal level, then that could be another factor in your dilemma. However, as many of us concluded on that other thread, when black women persist enough to become "regulars" in the scene and good dancers, then any initial bias goes away. Nevertheless, it is unfortunate that the need to be persistent is not an isolated phenomenon.
If there are several men at the place with the intention of "grinding," then are the clubs themselves not truly Salsa clubs? Is there a lot of Reggaeton and other non-Salsa music? If you're not at the right type of club, then that's another explanation why you might not be finding men who are focused on dancing...rather than "something else."
In any event, I do wish you the best of luck in solving this dilemma and finding more dance partners. Since you have invested 3 years of your life on lessons, then it's clear you have a strong interest in dancing....so I truly hope the situation improves!
wildbill20056
Son Montuno
Tis definitely possible Andrew, I agree, especially if it's a scene dominated by intermediate level leaders or below who are generally dealing with a host of other insecurities without adding that, perceived, extra pressure to impress.
As to the issue of black women being less asked for as dance partners, I wonder if, at least part of this, doesn't come down to a similar mechanic.
Rather than it being a negative discrimination, perhaps some men's natural shyness is simply exacerbated in the face of anyone with greater,perceived cultural differences.
Further, and I'm thinking from a Casino POV, less confident/experienced leads might suspect said lady is Cuban and thus a potentially tough 'audience' for their skills.
It doesn't take alot to intimidate the majority of leaders until they reach a place of secure comfort with their dancing. I like to think that the environment engendered by Salsa is distinctly unlikely to feature any prevalent racist attitudes to explain any general phenomenon.
As to the issue of black women being less asked for as dance partners, I wonder if, at least part of this, doesn't come down to a similar mechanic.
Rather than it being a negative discrimination, perhaps some men's natural shyness is simply exacerbated in the face of anyone with greater,perceived cultural differences.
Further, and I'm thinking from a Casino POV, less confident/experienced leads might suspect said lady is Cuban and thus a potentially tough 'audience' for their skills.
It doesn't take alot to intimidate the majority of leaders until they reach a place of secure comfort with their dancing. I like to think that the environment engendered by Salsa is distinctly unlikely to feature any prevalent racist attitudes to explain any general phenomenon.
wonderwoman
Son
Beauty or attractiveness can be an intimidating factor. I used to be too shy to ask any men to dance, then I was just too shy to ask the ones I found very attractive. There is actually one guy I have/had such a strong mutual attraction with that even though we are out at the same nights 2-3 times a week, we dance salsa 1-2 times a month and bachata very rarely, almost never. I remember the last time I asked him for a bachata, he seemed almost scared and then kept me at a considerable distance for the dance.
(Disclaimer: I'm sort of cute but very plain and conservative. So its funny that I run in to situations like that. I'm sure alcohol and intoxicating perfume helps, lol)
(Disclaimer: I'm sort of cute but very plain and conservative. So its funny that I run in to situations like that. I'm sure alcohol and intoxicating perfume helps, lol)
If lady has constant problems of getting any dances even though she is attending a lot of parties, I can think of three possible explanations.
1) She is ice-cold to dance with. She does not smile, flirt or give any positive impression. When the leader does something unexpected she is showing visible mental pain.
2) She does not really know how to dance. Timing, style and skill could all have influence.
3) She is too old.
1) She is ice-cold to dance with. She does not smile, flirt or give any positive impression. When the leader does something unexpected she is showing visible mental pain.
2) She does not really know how to dance. Timing, style and skill could all have influence.
3) She is too old.
olamalam
Son Montuno
Braider, can you please post a face and full body photo so that we can comment on the relationship between your beauty and your problem?
I wish Tyrant Banks like women could dance salsa. the only think they can do is to walk with fancy dresses.
I wish Tyrant Banks like women could dance salsa. the only think they can do is to walk with fancy dresses.
wonderwoman
Son
lol that's enough
Another couple suggestions for Braider... I think I started to get asked more when my personality lightened up, which happened recently. I'm more confident and relaxed and happy, it shows in my dancing. I focus more on my partner, smile at him and laugh when I mess up but keep dancing. I think those things all make a difference.
As it turns out, if you don't smile or look like you're having a good time, he doesn't either, whether he takes the blame for it or he feels you ruin the dance for him.
It's never about how good of a follower or dancer you are, its how the guy feels when he dances with you.
Another couple suggestions for Braider... I think I started to get asked more when my personality lightened up, which happened recently. I'm more confident and relaxed and happy, it shows in my dancing. I focus more on my partner, smile at him and laugh when I mess up but keep dancing. I think those things all make a difference.
As it turns out, if you don't smile or look like you're having a good time, he doesn't either, whether he takes the blame for it or he feels you ruin the dance for him.
It's never about how good of a follower or dancer you are, its how the guy feels when he dances with you.
SnowDancer
Son Montuno
That is so true!:cheers:
Did she step on your foot?
thepresenceon2
Son Montuno
Braider, i dont know what it is but there have been a lot of suggestions bandied your way and i hope they help. I have to tell you that i've had a plethora of black/african-american friends have the same exact problem as you are having so although we all wish that it isnt a case of not so subtle racism , the fact is that it could be..Again i hope it isnt but that is just a valid a reason as any other thrown out there....The most I can suggest is you find out what kind of style you dance and see if its a style clash..eliminate things until it becomes clear what exactly the problem is.....
good luck
good luck
