Desensitised to compliments

[HavanaCola]

Personally compliments often come from the follower but also a lot of time from other dancers. Like last weekend I was sitting and resting during a song. This dude came up to me and told me that he was watching me dancing and that I nailed the music and have a good style. I thanked him and we had a fun conversation ranging from dancing, music in his home country to how to raise kids LOL.

Anyway sincere compliments always makes me happy. just don't get carried away and know your weakness and strength. I myself always give people compliments when I had a good dance with some one or when I see a great dancer. After all its all about making yourself and other people happy.

 

[Mr Setenta]

Are you often getting the same compliments?

Yeah actually, they are usually focused around my soft leading.

I am ALWAYS evolving as a dancer. As it happens, the comments also evolve. It's also interesting to note how compliments change over time.

Could it be that my level is plateauing and so are the compliments? I can definitely feel my rate of progress slowing down. I still haven't even been to a (proper) festival. Looks like that should be my next aim.

To the OP. It's normal to get desensitized to compliments. The trap is in fishing for them or always looking for greater compliments.

Wise words.

 

[Mr Setenta]

Perhaps it is just me - my interpretation of "You're good for a beginner" is that it is a back-handed compliment, and if I received that, I wouldn't be very happy with it. Then again, if that was said to be me when I was a beginner, I'd take it, and then be wary the next time I dance with that person.

That was my reaction too. Although, I learned to appreciate it (because I was after all, a beginner at that time).
So I'm thinking a compliment can be either of the following:
1. A compliment highlighting your competence.
This type of compliment is more valuable from people you think are at a higher level than you. It would otherwise be expected from beginners and non-dancers. Its value is irrespective of your relationship to the complimenter, only your relative level.

2. A compliment that highlights the joy experienced by the complimenter.
This type of compliment can take the form of non-verbal actions, such as them rushing to you for a dance, smiling brightly when you walk in, or telling how much of a good time they had while dancing with you. It is appreciated regardless of their level, but means more when coming from someone you care about.

I think type 2 is what I care about more. Making other people's night is a motivator for me to improve. Its also why I only recently started caring about body movement, because I felt that leading properly was a priority for me to master first.

Oh, type 3:
Guys (beginners) telling you how you make them feel jealous. Reminds me of when I was getting jealous of other guys

 

[Mr Setenta]

This could be the rudest compliment depending on context...lol.

They weren't rudely said. They were mostly surprised at how I suddenly appeared and was at every party (trying to cilmb out of beginners hell as quickly as possible).
It was usually a follow up to "how long have you been dancing?"

 

[Offbeat]

How many times any one of you have complimented after the dance, a partner who is much better than you?

On a different side note, except for the spontaneous ones, most compliments immd after the dance should rank low on the compliments totem pole.

We have a long running compliment thread. The most common trend I observed there is about people narrating the compliments given immd after the dance.

While most people are not fishing for compliments, I think I can categorized dancers into two categories. One group is for whom a compliments act as a validation. The other group for whom it doesn't. Doesn't mean a person in either group, won't be pleased or happy with a compliment.

Personally, my end of dance comments are either "thank you" (80%) or "that was fun" variations (15%). Neither comment says anything about the quality of the dance or the dancer.

 

[Chris_Yannick]

How many times any one of you have complimented after the dance, a partner who is much better than you?

I'm not sure why this matters. Most compliments will come from people who are either similar in skill level to you or below you in skill level. This is the nature of social dancing.

I would even go far as to say that verbal compliments from a really good dancer is not ideal once you consider yourself not at beginner level. You want them to see you as someone who they could see dancing with again of their own volition. I stand by my belief that the ultimate compliment is someone asking you for a repeat dance either immediately after the dance or later in the night.

This also ties into why I think the one-dance rule in Salsa is bad and I strongly dislike scenes which encourage this behavior. One dance with someone you enjoy dancing with, is simply not enough time to get a feel for all of their capabilities or faculties.

In this regard to etiquette, Tango has got it right.

Personally, my end of dance comments are either "thank you" (80%) or "that was fun" variations (15%). Neither comment says anything about the quality of the dance or the dancer.

'Thank you' is the comment I dislike hearing the most. This is a personal pet peeve of mine, but I find 'thank you' in social dancing very cold and I hate hearing it. I probably say it without even thinking about it, which in itself is very bad. I want to get rid of this habit. There are a million other things to say in the moment, but for some reason we default to 'thank you'.

 

[wol]

I find I mostly compliment shy beginners or somone on similar level, who suddenly improved a lot t I also agree - best compliment is a request for another dance later or when follow finds me later to ask for another dance.

This also ties into why I think the one-dance rule in Salsa is bad and I strongly dislike scenes which encourage this behavior. One dance with someone you enjoy dancing with, is simply not enough time to get a feel for all of their capabilities or faculties.
In this regard to etiquette, Tango has got it right.

Oh, do not get me started. as this is off topic, but I hate multiple dance rule with passion. I actually ignore it in Lindy scene, where there is a 2 dance rule. despite risk of being unpolite and having to explain offten why I do not like 2 dance rule.
It is stuping, extremelly unfriendly to beginners and basically unmanagable to live music, unless one is able and like to dance to any music played.

'Thank you' is the comment I dislike hearing the most.

I like to keep it as simple os possible - Thank you is more than enough. Hug style will show nuances of the "Thank you". What I really hate are longer verbal "Thank you" analogs. I usually can not hear part of it because of noise, so I will have to question what exactly they said or pretend, that I understand what they said. Very awkward ...

 

[Chris_Yannick]

Oh, do not get me started. as this is off topic, but I hate multiple dance rule with passion. I actually ignore it in Lindy scene, where there is a 2 dance rule. despite risk of being unpolite and having to explain offten why I do not like 2 dance rule.
It is stuping, extremelly unfriendly to beginners and basically unmanagable to live music, unless one is able and like to dance to any music played.

Interesting how there is a 2-dance rule in Lindy. Ideally, there shouldn't be any rule. Whatever you feel with your partner at that moment is what counts whether it's 1 song or 10 songs.

In Salsa, the 1-dance rule is what I saw the most. If people want to disengage after one dance, that's fine. But to disengage because etiquette says so is stupid, IMO. If I feel it, I am going to ask again. Not 1 or 2 hours later. Now.

I like to keep it as simple os possible - Thank you is more than enough. Hug style will show nuances of the "Thank you". What I really hate are longer verbal "Thank you" analogs. I usually can not hear part of it because of noise, so I will have to question what exactly they said or pretend, that I understand what they said. Very awkward ...

It's mostly the way in which it is expressed in isolation without emotion. The words 'thank you' by itself sounds very awkward and hollow after a dance. It's fine in conjunction with a hug or a squeeze of the hand or something...

 

[wol]

Interesting how there is a 2-dance rule in Lindy. Ideally, there shouldn't be any rule. Whatever you feel with your partner at that moment is what counts whether it's 1 song or 10 songs.
In Salsa, the 1-dance rule is what I saw the most. If people want to disengage after one dance, that's fine. But to disengage because etiquette says so is stupid, IMO. If I feel it, I am going to ask again. Not 1 or 2 hours later. Now.

Yes, I agree with freedom and no "social norms" in number of dances. I have no problem asking someone right after first dance. And I do not care, if someone dances all night long with tha same partner. Just do not tell me, that I am inpolite and do not like my current partner, if I do not dance with them 2 dances in a row.
I want my freedom to choose specific partner for specific song to deliver the best I can do for them, instead of being forced to come up with some excuse of a dance just because ther is a rule of 2 dances

 

[Chris_Yannick]

Could it be that my level is plateauing and so are the compliments? I can definitely feel my rate of progress slowing down. I still haven't even been to a (proper) festival. Looks like that should be my next aim.

The 4 most common things I hear about my leading are:

1) Musicality
2) Relaxed-ness
3) Fun
4) Soft/smooth lead

So I think any of the above are good to hear.

What more are you expecting? Going to a congress will undoubtedly raise your level, but probably not the level of compliments. Compliments will level off when you level up. As you dance with better partners, you will get compliments relative to your level.

Expecting a supremely high level dancer way above your station to say "ZOMG you are amazing..." is not realistic lol.

If they do say it, ask them on a date... immediately.

When you know you are good, none of this matters.

 

[Mr Setenta]

Thank you' is the comment I dislike hearing the most. This is a personal pet peeve of mine, but I find 'thank you' in social dancing very cold and I hate hearing it. I probably say it without even thinking about it, which in itself is very bad. I want to get rid of this habit. There are a million other things to say in the moment, but for some reason we default to 'thank you'.

What's an alternative to "thank you" that isn't a compliment?

 

[Mr Setenta]

I find I mostly compliment shy beginners or somone on similar level, who suddenly improved a lot

Are you guilty of the "you're good for a beginner" line?

 

[Mr Setenta]

The 4 most common things I hear about my leading are:

1) Musicality
2) Relaxed-ness
3) Fun
4) Soft/smooth lead

I gotta work on my relaxed-ness and fun department then... I've been specialising in the smooth and elegant side of the spectrum.
But I don't want to be that guy who forces body movement.

 

[Mr Setenta]

Expecting a supremely high level dancer way above your station to say "ZOMG you are amazing..." is not realistic lol.

If they do say it, ask them on a date... immediately.

Challenge accepted!

 

[Chris_Yannick]

I gotta work on my relaxed-ness and fun department then... I've been specialising in the smooth and elegant side of the spectrum.
But I don't want to be that guy who forces body movement.

The comments I like the best are the ones about being relaxed. Even in times when I don't particularly feel calm when dancing, it is apparently calming for the other person and that is a good thing.

There are exceptions though and I still get comments from girls who say they can't relax around me, which makes me try even harder...

 

[wol]

Are you guilty of the "you're good for a beginner" line?

No, that I would not use for obvious reasons. For beginners I usually go with something current dance oriented mostly variations of "nice dance", unless there is really something to complement specifically

 

[David]

I just think of compliments from the perspective of encouraging other people, helping other people to be confident in themselves, recognizing the hard work they put into their dancing or their style. I don't expect the other person to do any many favors. I'm just genuine about my feelings and you can take it for what it's worth.

And it goes the same way for receiving compliments. I appreciate some encouragement or recognition of something I did well. Compliments are part of a healthy atmosphere.

It's best when compliments are natural and there's not a r desire to gain something for the other person in exchange for the compliment. But I recognize people are at different places in their life and they are welcome to try different things on me and I won't take offense if it comes across a little weird or something.

 

[NPEADS]

1) I have a cool move that's my own move. Many times improvers or intermediate dancers give me a surprise/shock type of a look on that move (as if its a magic trick). I love the look on their face (it has been three years I still love the look in the girls eyes).
2) I do not have a very high status/fame as a dancer. So if I enjoy the dance with a dancer with a status/fame, I am not sure what to say. I cannot say "you are a great dancer" [everyone knows that].
3) A couple of times, guys whose dancing I love (one known as the best in my local scene), came and praised my dancing.
4) If someone says "you are a good dancer", that does not effect me. One time a girl told me, "I complimented you on your dancing and you are like 'ok, I know that'". I usually only smile back or say "I enjoyed the dance as well", not sure whether that's rude.
5) Sometimes the compliment is not verbal. Like grabbing the finger tight and not letting go with a long intense hug. These are not common. I doubt they are relationship interest. Its that they get carried away. These girls many times would reject my dance offer in the next event.
6) Some girls even criticize. I try not to respond or react, smile and usually do not offer them dances on the next time.

 

[Tom Schueler]

I miss the time when compliments used to mean so much. There was a time when something like "You're good for a beginner" made my night, and I would tell everyone I know about it.
Nowadays, after two years of dancing locally, even the most genuinely beautiful compliment after a dance is something I am becoming used to.
I hate that compliments no longer affect me emotionally. It would be nice if I could smile as brightly as I used to after a follower shows me gratitude. I am not arrogant and I'm afraid that is what people might conclude if they can read my mind.
Would going to dance in festivals or other cities help? Do compliments from complete strangers mean more to you?

You're a lucky guy when receiving so many compliments. When you feel you don't enjoy it anymore try a dance where you're at the bottom of the food chain. I was never the best dancer but starting anew in a different dance helped me even more to think about all the tears and sweat that goes into learning.

I rarely get compliments. The beginner and average dancers are usually too self-focussed 'cause they want to improve fast. The great dancers are either too arrogant to compliment anyone else or dislike my style, since I don't give them enough time/moments to shine.

I might sound like an excuse but with enough experience it comes down to your personal dancing philosophy. The route I took is not popular with most Cuban salsa dancers and vice versa, though we're dancing with each other and (mostly) to the same songs. If you're lucky/smart enough to make your personal style align with the majority's perception of great dancing, that's a good thing and to be celebrated.

 

[Offbeat]

You're a lucky guy when receiving so many compliments.

May be it is cultural and place specific. For example, in my scene it is not too common for post-dance compliments to fly often. Individually some people are more into giving compliments (they usually tend to be extroverts imo). Dancing as we know attracts unusuallyhigher percentage of introverts. I don't think someone accepting to dance (even a repeat) with me is necessarily a compliment. There are a lot of reasons someone will say yes, not necessarily because they love dancing with me. As discussed or mentioned many times, you get that gut feeling from the non-verbal reactions that someone liked the dance.

I remember non-regular or new people I danced with at a new place or a festival the previous day, the previous week or previous month. Talking to others, especially from some followers at festivals, I have heard funny stories about how them not recognizing a guy they had a fun dance the previous night.