Want to attend dancing solo but someone wants to come with m

S

smiling28

Moderator
Hi everyone,



Love your thoughts/feedback.



So I just returned from Singapore and RAVED about it everywhere especially where i dance. Hoping to encourage people to go to the congress (SISF) soon. I have already booked. I am definitely going. Some girls are keen but have not booked. Happy to go with them as they are independent and we would do our own thing. But one very clingy lady has said she is definitely going to go...



However, in general, I MUCH prefer to attend these things solo. Too hard to manage otherwise as there is such a mixture of personalities and levels of dance interest. I>E I am SUPER SUPER SUPER keen and it is hard to find others with the same enthusiasm. I.e they want to go home or something...


If I do anything as a group, I love a very supportive yet INDEPENDENT group. We are love being together but still are independent and do not NEED to be together. Branch out.

I mean, I have the chance to dance with the 'group' most of the year but have all these new people the congress weekend. Even if I sit out songs, I would still prefer to watch the other dancers then to dance with people I dance with all the time. OF course I WANT to dance with them but feel my development is better off WATCHING the other fantastic dancers too as I do not watch them when on the floor. I am focusing on the music, my partner and the moment!



So, this one lady WANTS to come with me to Singapore. She is VERY VERY clingy. (not involved and never would be). She is SOOOO full on. She ALWAYS wants to dance with me and is very pushy. I am flattered but am not travelling across an ocean to dance with my neighbour whom I do not really enjoy the dances with that much (although 'advanced', she is a rough follow who backleads and tries to rub up and down my body all the time. Not in a cool dancing way but in a 'get a room' way.)



Anyway, so what do you recommend? She is visiting her family in Singapore the same time as the congress. I am REALLY happy that she wants to go to the congress. IT SHALL BE GREAT!!! But I just do not want to hang out with her AT ALL! As in, we will be in a workshop and I KNOW she will come to partner me first. Or socially. I want to have to meet new people. THAT is part of the dancing experience too. Having to ask and explore a new environment just as you explore a new song or partner.





current thinking: * have the above talk to her before we go. Explain my side politely saying that I think it is WONDERFUL that she is going and that she will learn HEAPS but that I am a solo guy. Just my nature and want to really explore the place and the people.



Sound fair?





* she wants me to show her around too but I will say no on that one. Just HATE saying no to someone to dance. But MUST over there as so many great dancers to watch and dance with!!!

** As you know, I am a beginner so perhaps have the wrong attitude. The above is more my personality than anything. Your thoughts/comments very welcome


Random sidenote: BEST NIGHT DANCING EVER!!! (see other thread)
 
Is this the same girl you had 10 gazillion dances with in your other post? If so, you only have yourself to blame :P
 
sweavo said:
Is this the same girl you had 10 gazillion dances with in your other post? If so, you only have yourself to blame :P
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LOL. No. This lady is........................more mature. Probably in her 40s. I hardly dance with her outside of the occasional class but she ALWAYS wants me to.

Part of the story is that she is a teacher somewhere and she brings her students to our socials. One was a really BIG older lady. I always asked her to dance because no one else did. But then she became AWESOME. Seriously, to the point where she did me a MASSIVE favour by dancing with me. So nice. *mentioned this on a thread previously.

Anyway, I actually MUCH prefer dancing with the student then the teacher. One follows and the other backleads and does not follow either. Sort of resists which is frustrating. Plus her backlead is not that good just yet despite her obvious practice :) :) :)

* Great point though. Maybe some of you guys will dance with her and have the GREATEST time ever. Everyone has better matches than others.
 
Hmm, tricky.

Personally I've been to many congresses as part of a group or with someone sharing a room with me, and I didn't have any problem dancing with new people. I would arrive at the party with the group/room mate, maybe have one dance with them and start prowling around the room on my own. I might leave the party with the group/roomie but not always. In between the time, I dance for hours in different parts of the room (or in other rooms if there are), only occasionally going back to the group to show my face before going off on my own again. Even when I went to a congress with my then boyfriend (now hubby), we decided a meeting point and then just went around the room separately.

Of course it's different if someone you are going with is determined to cling to you. If she's got this idea that "she's going to the congress WITH you" (i.e., she's going only because you are going), she may not like the idea of being abandoned, especially if there is a shortage of leaders at the event and she doesn't like to ask men to dance. You'll probably need to tell her that you want to dance with other people, and it's probably a good idea to tell her what you are intending to do before you get there.

Also, arrange an SF meet & greet and take her along with you so that you won't be the only person at the place she knows.

As for workshops, if you are worried about her wanting to partner with you all the time, don't tell her which workshops you are attending. If she asks, just say you haven't made up your mind. Go to the workshop room alone and ask a girl to partner with you as soon as you get there. You can still meet up with your group for lunch etc.

Good luck :)
 
I agree mostly with MacMoto. But I guess I would talk with her before about this. You can then explain that you want to meet other followers and learn how to lead them. So she clearly knows what to expect at the congress from you.

If I really go with a dance partner to the congress, I try to ensure that we both are going to dance also with other followers and leaders. As much as I like to take workshops with a follower that I know, I also like to meet other followers when social dancing. I try to keep a balance between dancing with my partner and others.
 
clingy congress

Has the clingy lady ever been to a congress before? Seems like that would be a factor that would affect how she is thinking about it.

If that is the case, you could probably explain to her your reasons for going and tell her straight out that you'll be off doing your independent thing and that she's got to be ok with that.

Or could emphasize your independent view of it by telling her, 'yes i'm going and If I see you there great'. Seems like if her family is around she might have to spend time with them more than you too.

even if she is clingy to you, maybe she is clingy to otheres and she may meet other clingy-types on the first day who she may choose to hang out with more than you! :) you never know...

but i do understand and empathize -- i'm sure it will work out.
 
TheBear_CanDanceToo said:
If I was in this situation, I'd go to Smiling28 for advice cos he's always really positive. I wonder what he'd suggest...?
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:)

I recommend going to salsaforums and posting to the whole world. A wonderful collection of positive, experienced, thoughtful and caring people abound there. ALWAYS a good laugh, a good lesson and a good experience.

If the person did not have the internet I would recommend:

Dancing mirrors life or vice versa. Not sure which just yet :)

Communication is KEY on the dancefloor and OFF the dancefloor. If you feel passionate about something and you do not feel the message is getting across to your partner, then you must refine and improve your method/line of communication.

People may superficially call the male(lead)/female(follow) dichotomy sexist but I think it is the opposite. To me, it is about ROLES (and both sexes can flip between lead/follow anyway). The ROLES are set to optimise connection and communication. With perfect communication, this means EQUALITY. A place where both parties are on the same page and understand each other perfectly. Each with the ability to give physical feedback. What is sexist about that...

Thus, I would recommend working on my connection and communication OFF the dance floor. Politely explaining my goals for the weekend, my concerns and HEARING hers. Her goals and concerns may be the same or different. Hey, maybe she is on another forum posting her concerns about going to a salsa congress with me :) :) :)

So communicate and find out.


* that said, I do not have the wealth of experience as people on this board plus have my own viewpoint. Thus, this is a wonderful resource to dive into to get different opinions, experiences and life lessons :) :) :)

thanks!
 
I have had to deal with this kind of situations too, after trying different things I think the best way is just talk about it, it may seen like a harsh idea but it is worst if the person end ups thinking you have something personal against her due to your attempts to get away from her to get your dancing fix with other people.

I see almost no point to dance more that a couple of songs with whomever I went to a salsa social, the whole idea is to dance with all the people I can, and if you go to a congress, this is even more pressing, there are hundreds of people there why would you give up all those experiences to dance with someone you could have dance in your living room

hey smiling28 , when is the singapore salsa congress... I am getting tempted to go :)
 
PielCanela said:
I have had to deal with this kind of situations too, after trying different things I think the best way is just talk about it, it may seen like a harsh idea but it is worst if the person end ups thinking you have something personal against her due to your attempts to get away from her to get your dancing fix with other people.

I see almost no point to dance more that a couple of songs with whomever I went to a salsa social, the whole idea is to dance with all the people I can, and if you go to a congress, this is even more pressing, there are hundreds of people there why would you give up all those experiences to dance with someone you could have dance in your living room

hey smiling28 , when is the singapore salsa congress... I am getting tempted to go :)
Click to expand...

DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


8) 8) 8) 8) 8) :D :D :D :D :D

October 19th to 21st I believe. SHOULD BE AWESOME!!!


will be great to meet you too!
 
smiling28 said:
October 19th to 21st I believe. SHOULD BE AWESOME!!!
Click to expand...
Okay so it's the "Singapore International Salsa Festival" (w w w.sisf.com.sg/) you are going to, not the "Singapore Salsa Congress" (w w w.singaporesalsacongress.com/) on December 22th to 31st. So confusing...

The lineup looks good -- some very good teachers/performers, plus SHO live...!
 
Re: Want to attend dancing solo but someone wants to come wi

smiling28 said:
Hi everyone,


However, in general, I MUCH prefer to attend these things solo. Too hard to manage otherwise as there is such a mixture of personalities and levels of dance interest. I>E I am SUPER SUPER SUPER keen and it is hard to find others with the same enthusiasm. I.e they want to go home or something...


If I do anything as a group, I love a very supportive yet INDEPENDENT group. We are love being together but still are independent and do not NEED to be together. Branch out.

I mean, I have the chance to dance with the 'group' most of the year but have all these new people the congress weekend. Even if I sit out songs, I would still prefer to watch the other dancers then to dance with people I dance with all the time. OF course I WANT to dance with them but feel my development is better off WATCHING the other fantastic dancers too as I do not watch them when on the floor. I am focusing on the music, my partner and the moment!

[big snip]
* she wants me to show her around too but I will say no on that one. Just HATE saying no to someone to dance. But MUST over there as so many great dancers to watch and dance with!!!

** As you know, I am a beginner so perhaps have the wrong attitude. The above is more my personality than anything. Your thoughts/comments very welcome


Random sidenote: BEST NIGHT DANCING EVER!!! (see other thread)
Click to expand...

You don't have the wrong attitude as a beginner. Sometimes depending on the group dynamics it can be difficult travelling in groups, such as when I carpool with others to go to dances.

Now I will preferentially dance with certain ladies. Even if we travel somewhere. There is no doubt about that. For instance last Tuesday night I spent a lot of time dancing with a good friend of mine because she is a really good friend and I know she is going through a tough break-up. If we went somewhere in a group I still would ask her many times if I notice that she is sitting out. But, that' my choice and I don't feel compelled, or that it is implied, as I do in some groups, sometimes. I've even gone to a place and other ladies from my area have shown up and one commented, to me, "We have a lot of ladies dieing for dances...." referring to her little group...Granted I wasn't dancing much, with anyone, but then there are many nights where I don't and she knows that....
 
smiling28 said:
TheBear_CanDanceToo said:
If I was in this situation, I'd go to Smiling28 for advice cos he's always really positive. I wonder what he'd suggest...?
Click to expand...
Communication is KEY on the dancefloor and OFF the dancefloor. If you feel passionate about something and you do not feel the message is getting across to your partner, then you must refine and improve your method/line of communication.

People may superficially call the male(lead)/female(follow) dichotomy sexist but I think it is the opposite. To me, it is about ROLES (and both sexes can flip between lead/follow anyway). The ROLES are set to optimise connection and communication. With perfect communication, this means EQUALITY. A place where both parties are on the same page and understand each other perfectly. Each with the ability to give physical feedback. What is sexist about that...

Thus, I would recommend working on my connection and communication OFF the dance floor. Politely explaining my goals for the weekend, my concerns and HEARING hers. Her goals and concerns may be the same or different. Hey, maybe she is on another forum posting her concerns about going to a salsa congress with me :) :) :)

So communicate and find out.
...
Click to expand...
This is EXACTLY what I meant! 8)
Nice one, Smiling28. :D
 
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