Is this cheating?

Discussion in 'Salser@s Anonymous' started by Anita Spencer, Oct 12, 2016.

  1. Anita Spencer

    Anita Spencer Changui

    Hey everyone!

    Something happened to me at my very first Salsa Congress.

    I was dancing with a really great dancer at this congress and we danced a few songs because he was that good! I felt a lot more comfortable in the bachata room because well I always thought that salsa was a lot harder. Anyways, as I am dancing with this man, he tried to kiss me and he did touch my lips but I pulled away. I am a nice person so I didn't reprimand him or anything. Honestly, it felt like a delayed reaction of me thinking "did that just happen?" At the time I was engaged! I didn't think much of it and told myself I would just have to keep my guard up. The next night of social dancing this guy pulled me out to dance and I told myself I better keep my guard up... Well there he goes trying to kiss me again and this time nothing happened because I was just prepared for it. Now I am married and feel so bad about it. A mix of being sad, feeling bad about it and of course a little anger. I never told him because I felt like I handled it appropriately. But now I feel like it was my fault! Should I tell my husband? He isn't a dancer so I'm afraid he will think more of it.

    I never thought that dancing with someone sensually would give them a green light to make a move.... I like to dance sexy and I am a sexy dancer but now I feel like I asked for it and it was my fault that he had the impulse to kiss me.

    I am so sad this happened. Please give me your thoughts... Comments.
  2. DJ Yuca

    DJ Yuca El Sabroso de Conguero

    You've done nothing wrong. The guy was an arse but you'll never see him again, so best to let it go imo.
    and5678 likes this.
  3. He crossed the line.
    and5678 and Dissonant Harmony like this.
  4. Anita Spencer

    Anita Spencer Changui

    Could it have been my fault in a way for dancing too sensually maybe?
  5. Offbeat

    Offbeat Maestro 'Fania' Pacheco

    If you were to ask my opinion:

    - I don't see a reason for you to feel guilty.
    - He had no right to try and kiss. It was unsolicited, aggressive and without your consent. Not once but twice.
    - You were not the cause of his action and you bear no responsibility for his behavior. Stop blaming yourself.
    - This is something old. No need to bring it up with your husband now.

    This is in no shape, way or form cheating. What he did easily crosses the line into harassing you.
    and5678 and Dissonant Harmony like this.
  6. Offbeat

    Offbeat Maestro 'Fania' Pacheco

    Moderators: pl. move this out from this section and merge it with the same thread in other section.
  7. Offbeat

    Offbeat Maestro 'Fania' Pacheco

    I don't know what part of the world you are from. But the question you ask is either too naive or this is a troll. Hard to tell yet.
    elanimal likes this.
  8. Anita Spencer

    Anita Spencer Changui

    I am in the US. Sorry didn't mean for it to seem like a troll. I don't want to bring it up to any of my friends and I came cross this website and figured it would be the perfect place to ask. I just wanted to get real dancers opinions to see if I was maybe the one to provoke it by dancing too sensually and being super close in the first place. We were dancing head to head so that's the only reason I ask.

    Thank you for your responses.

    I will delete this thread afterwards.
  9. Sabrosura

    Sabrosura ¬°WEPA!

    No. You were a victim of his inappropriateness. It is part of the generally accepted dance etiquette rules that you can't just go around kissing people. Happened to me once and I immediately stopped the dance and called him a whole bunch of things (he was lucky I didn't slap him).
    Dissonant Harmony likes this.
  10. khabibul35

    khabibul35 Tumbao

    I agree with the others, what happened was nothing of concern from your side of things. The other guy was being a jerk. However, since you're clearly feeling some insecurity about this, I would personally recommend seeing a therapist to help you get to the bottom of this.

    From experience, I can tell you that having a professional talk you through issues you have anxiety over is extremely helpful in understanding both yourself and your relationship.

    Best of luck!
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2016
    Dissonant Harmony likes this.
  11. Offbeat

    Offbeat Maestro 'Fania' Pacheco

    Someone's inappropriate behavior is never your responsibility. People are responsible for their own behavior. To think that you provoked it, is incorrect and absolutely wrong conclusion in this context.

    Dancing close or sensual is very common in latin dance styles. That in no way signals that you are inviting a kiss or giving permission to violate you. It would be reasonable to conclude that the offender was not someone new to sensual dancing, and it is very likely you were not the first or the last person he attempted that stunt with.

    What is your worry? Had you not been engaged at the time, would you have worried about it so much now? It is hard to tell what it means to you now. Clearly seem anxious and worried about something that most people would have forgotten by now as something trivial had it happened to them. But each one of of us is different. What is trivial to one person may not be trivial to another. Depending on how anxious or worried you are about it, may be a professional can help you. If you are seeking a validation on whether it was your fault or not, then almost everyone here is telling you that it is not your fault.
    Dissonant Harmony likes this.
  12. SnowDancer

    SnowDancer Clave Commander

    No, you weren't cheating, and you should feel good about yourself for stopping him. It's never appropriate to kiss someone on the dance floor unless you're already in a relationship or on a date with that person.
    Offbeat and Dissonant Harmony like this.
  13. Dissonant Harmony

    Dissonant Harmony Rhythm Deputy

    NO! It couldn't have!
    You were not "asking for it"!

    That guy was a total jerk (He even dared to try doing it again!)
    and here you are - thinking it's actually your fault?

    I ask of you - please do not torture yourself because of something bad someone jerk did to you.

    You absolutely did not deserve his heaviour,
    and if there is anything else you don't deserve - then it's punishing yourself after you did nothing wrong.
    Offbeat and Sabrosura like this.
  14. elanimal

    elanimal Tumbao

    You clearly shouldn't feel guilty. What changed recently, so that you feel the urge to tell him now, as opposed to when it happened?
  15. azana

    azana Super Moderator Staff Member

    Done :)
    Dissonant Harmony likes this.
  16. somberrareo

    somberrareo Changui

    you didn't do anything wrong but the dance scene is full of guys who are out to impress women to massage their own egos, they spend their whole life perfecting their skill to be the big cheese and even if you do have a partner that you love very much they'll still stare into your eyes trying to capture your soul to create that amazing dance chemistry, take up another hobby that your husband likes
  17. Not cheating but it is wrong in my opinion if you keep it from your huband. Also I would recommend that next time that happens and they go for a kiss don't dance with them again. Its not worth causing problems in your marriage. If this happened to me and a girl tried to kiss me I would definetly have to tell my wife and would have to do something to really let her know it wasn't ok. Like for example not ask her to dance again or just say no next time (even though i never say no). My concern is not if dancing with her again is wrong or not. My concern is how my wife would feel knowing that she did this and still i dance with her. Just like if guys try to get at her i know she is a friendly person and is not trying to attract attention but sometimes guys interpret her niceness into thinking they can get at her (this includes guys who know she is married to me). So I don't get angry at her. But If they do go overboard i tell her not to dance with them or talk to them anymore because i would do the same.

    However the fact that you are asking if its cheating signals to me that you have some kind of guilt. Perhaps you enjoyed the sensual energy a bit too much? Nothing wrong with that in my opinion as long as you are both ok with having sexual/sensual/flurty energy with other people. For me personally I try to avoid any energy as such with other ladies, but thats just for our style of relationship. The problem is if having this energy with others has not been discussed or is not ok yet you still go out there and look for it.

    If in your point of view though you were just being nice and you didn't really enjoy some kind of attraction/flurtyness/sensuality then my recommendation is to be a little more careful about guys in the scene. Guys swear that if you even smile at them it means you want their %***% or something. Sometimes its ok to be a ***** because guys are doing things or assuming things our of nowhere, and this guys deserve ***** energy thrown at them.

    edit --

    Come to think about it he might not be reasonable about it so that is a decision you must make. You need to decide whats more important being honest or avoid the possibility of starting some big drama! For me what i would have hard time forgiving is if she did this and did not tell me then somehow i found out about it. In our relationship its very clear that this is something that would have to be told to the other person so if one of us didn't it would be a deliverate lie because we know we are supposed to tell each other. You can hurt me in many ways but if lose trust towards you the relationship is probably over.
  18. Del Dominguez

    Del Dominguez Changui

    Ya, he's a're cool. <3

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