Help! Salsa crush won't fade....

Discussion in 'Just Dance' started by Biaja, Mar 25, 2013.

  1. Biaja

    Biaja Changui

    Greetings, this is my first post here and I have a problem.

    I have a regular dance partner who is very special to me and I to him. We have been dancing together a lot in class and in the clubs for 9 months. He is all over the salsa scene, trying to get over his second divorce (a year and a half ago) but is a total gentleman, and I don't think he goes home with anyone. We have been out a few times, once to my company holiday party, and he has been so romantic with me. But we have never kissed. I've tried to initiate a conversation with him a few times but got mixed messages in response. I backed off because I didn't want to scare him. But I feel a lot of pain and jealousy when I see him hugging and kissing (on the cheek) other women at the clubs and workshops. It's so difficult for me. I've tried to disengage from him emotionally, but it's hard when I see him all the time. Plus I LOVE dancing with him. We are very special partners. He has told me I am special to him and has acknowledged our special connection. We are both in our 50's so we are both mature. I'm very attractive and get a lot of attention at the clubs. I have seen him be jealous and I've seen him hover over me all night trying to get a dance with me. He seems to treat me a little differently, but the better a dancer he becomes and the more partners he has, the more I see him hugging and lighting up with other women. It's so painful. I don't think he's ready for a relationship, but I can't seem to let go - mosty because he's EVERYWHERE on the salsa scene. I can't escape from him. Please help!
  2. olamalam

    olamalam El Sabroso de Conguero

    you are both in your 50s and hesitating/postponing talking about your emotions?

    what if this
    what if that
    bla bla

    dont care any of your excuses and talk to him.
    Biaja likes this.
  3. Sabrosura

    Sabrosura ¡WEPA!

    I read your original post before you shortened it and I think it gave a better picture of what is going on.

    I think this conclusion summarizes your situation well. He is definitely giving you mixed messages. He seems confused and not ready for another relationship, as you have already concluded. And it is causing you unnecessary pain, amplified by the fact that you are obviously spending a lot of time agonizing over what his perplexing behavior means.

    I would suggest one of the following courses of action:

    1. Talk to him very directly. Tell him that while you enjoy dancing with him, you are interested in more and he is giving you mixed messages. He could say he doesn’t want a relationship so soon after his divorce (that is what seems to be the case, and that would be your cue to stop hoping for one) or he could say something else, in which case you can decide how to respond.
    2. If you want to avoid a direct discussion, you need to stop causing yourself pain by interpreting every little “possible sign of affection” as a sign that “maybe” he wants more. If he wanted to ask you out, he would have. If you do choose not to talk to him, you need to stop “hoping for more”—in other words, you need to cut him out completely and stop thinking about him. This may require a short period—maybe a couple of weeks, maybe more—of not dancing since you say he goes dancing everywhere, but it should save you the emotional grief so it is worth it. If after that you can handle dancing with him without starting to hope for more again, fine, but don’t seek him out if he doesn’t come to you. If he asks you what is wrong, then proceed with option #1 above. And ideally, start dating other men, or at least start entertaining the idea of dating someone else.
    Good luck—you can do it!
    Biaja likes this.
  4. Biaja

    Biaja Changui

    Thanks so much for the replies. (I'm impressed anyone would bother to read that original long post). I am working up the courage to have the direct talk. I'm a pretty direct person and it intimidates some people. For some reason, with him it's just been difficult. Every time I plan to do it, something happens that makes me feel I should play my cards close to my chest and just wait. I'm really terrified. I'm reasonably sure we both have a few issues and fears of rejection. Yes, pretty pathetic at our age.

    Oh, and he has asked me out a few times. On valentines weekend, he invited me out dancing at a very romantic venue at 10pm on Friday night. We danced together for two solid hours (!). He held my hand all the way from the car and paid my way. And on the way out, no hand holding and STILL no good night kiss. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe he's gay!
  5. Biaja

    Biaja Changui

    The other complication is that we have a very small class, and we rotate dance partners. If I refused to dance with him in class, it would create a lot of drama. I don't want to drop out of my salsa class that I've been in for 9 months. It's the best/least expensive class in town.
  6. Sabrosura

    Sabrosura ¡WEPA!

    Emotional sanity trumps salsa learning in this case. If you reach the point where you realize there will be no relationship but you still can't get him out of your head, you'll need to take a few weeks away from him to get to the point where you're not thinking about him in "that way" anymore. The less you see him during that time the easier it will be to start thinking of him as just another man instead of a potential romantic partner. After you reach that stage, you should be able to return to class with no problem, but if he attempts any more of those "romantic dances" during social dancing you should make it clear (verbally or through body language) that it is unacceptable.
    Biaja likes this.
  7. Biaja

    Biaja Changui

    Fortunately, I have a two-week trip planned to Costa Rica at the end of the month. But I'm going with one of our classmates who is in one of his trainings. So not talking about him will be the "elephant in the room". I'm so stubborn - I have so far refused to stop going to my weekly class over him, because if I miss a class, it's hard to make it up. It's a sequence where one step builds on the other. Then there's also no point in going to class if I'm not going to the clubs to practice. This guy is best one to practice with because he will do all the new moves and do them well. He makes me a better dancer. There is no way to dance with him in a non-romantic way. It's salsa. I took a bachata workshop yesterday. Naturally, he was in it and we slow danced in the class. It was unavoidable. This would be very comical if it didn't suck so badly.

    I'm starting to think moving to another town is the best option. I'm so addicted to salsa - I don't want to give it up even for 2 weeks.

    Thanks SO much for the replies and giving me something to think about.
  8. Ciaran Hegarty

    Ciaran Hegarty Descarga

    I don't think that's pathetic. I think it's life-affirming to feel something strongly. At any age.
    Slowdance and Biaja like this.
  9. DJ Yuca

    DJ Yuca El Sabroso de Conguero

    I disagree. He has eyes in his head, he's encouraging if not instigating the situation, yet he's not doing anything about it. Conclusion? He's ego tripping. Telling him she has strong feelings for him will just feed his ego more.

    He's obviously a joker and/or gay. If he was as great as the op thinks he is, he wouldn't be messing her about in this way.

    To the op: accept that he's not who you want him to be or who you think he is, and forget about him. It's better to do it now than when you see him get it together with someone else - he's probably not going to stay single/celibate forever. (And maybe he isn't now.)
    Biaja and SnowDancer like this.
  10. SnowDancer

    SnowDancer Clave Commander

    I'm with DJ Yuca on this. I wouldn't be surprised if:
    1. He has a girlfriend, or
    2. He's lost interest in sex (happens to some guys over 50).

    In either case, he's stringing you along because he enjoys the attention, or maybe to keep you as a 'backup'.
    The only other possibility is that he's extremely shy or clueless, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.
    Biaja likes this.
  11. MMaatttt

    MMaatttt Shine Officer

    It's no more unusual for guys to be shy than girls. Sure, guys get forced to make the move by society, but if this guy is just out of a long relationship it's not at all unlikely that he may have lost confidence...and it's not as though he didn't ask Biaja out.
    tgharib and Biaja like this.
  12. Sabrosura

    Sabrosura ¡WEPA!

    Right, so it's not about lack of confidence, it seems more like he is enjoying the status quo and doesn't want a relationship with her.
    Big10 and Biaja like this.
  13. Biaja

    Biaja Changui

    See? The opinions are split, and that's exactly how I feel, and the advice I get from my friends. The few times we've talked frankly, he's told me he "doesn't know how to do this" (meaning relationships) and that he's had two failed marriages. I was very clear with him that I am not the one who is going to build his confidence until he finds someone better, that I deserve better than that. He tells me he needs to process this and that he is at work and wants to continue the conversation. But we never seem to continue it. Usually after I say my piece, I pull back emotionally. That's when he either lays the flirting on thicker or pulls it back as if to protect my feelings. But he continues to hover around me at the clubs and at class and wants to dance with me all the time, and I find that I just cannot say no to him. We so love dancing together. Whatever we have is very magical. It's hard to understand that he doesn't even want one kiss. Not even a kiss. Never mind a relationship! I'm used to fighting guys off of me. He IS shy in some ways and very clueless. He's an engineer, and I believe him when he says he doesn't know what he's doing. If two wives left him, there MUST be a reason! He took up salsa after his second divorce because it's helping him learn how to be a man so he says.

    I took a week off from salsa to travel a few weeks ago. When I returned, he left a voice mail for me, then called me three times after that. I returned his call 4 days later, initiated a "talk" but he was at work. So we met for lunch the next day. But it didn't feel right to pick up the talk - it would have been awkward. I've never been in this situation before. I don't know how to handle it. If there is any chance at all that this guy could come around, I don't want to scare him off. He's very special to me. I have dated a few guys over the past 9 months, too. But truthfully, there is no one I've met that I feel even one tenth as strongly about. It's very rare for me to feel like this about someone. I've been single for many years. The longer I keep the door open for him, the harder it is to pull away.

    But if he's a player, telling him how I feel is the worst thing I could possibly do, and it will cause me more pain. I wish I had a crystal ball.

    Thanks again for the replies.
  14. Sabrosura

    Sabrosura ¡WEPA!

    I don't buy the "I'm not good at relationships" excuse. I don't know what he is thinking, which is why you should talk to him directly, but my stance is that if a man is attracted to a woman he will--unless he is too shy, which this man is not since he asked you out--go after her and make his intentions clear. Unlike women, men tend to not overthink these things--either they are attracted to you or they are not. In this case I suppose it is possible that he knows he would probably hurt you and prefers not to get more involved than he has already. In which case, again, you should probably take the hint.
    Biaja and DJ Yuca like this.
  15. Biaja

    Biaja Changui

    This seems to be the general consensus. I think I will take the advice given and just move on, at least in my mind for the time being. I will not accept his calls or his dates and I'll limit the dances with him at the clubs. In time I will be in a position to move on completely. As much as I adore this man, I need to have some peace. I have allowed him to hurt me too much already. I know he does care about me and doesn't want to hurt me. After giving this some thought today, I do feel he is using me to build up his ego, along with any other women he can. He just knows that with me, he can, because I won't shut him down. It's humiliating to realize this and that I allowed it to go on for so long, but I don't want to have any illusions. You're right, if I pull away and he is genuinely interested in me, it shouldn't deter him. I think if I talk to him, I'll get more of the same....."I am relearning about relationships after my divorce; I don't want to lose you as a dance partner; I don't want to do anything inappropriate", etc., etc. It will be everything except what I need to hear, which is, "I want you." It will be tough at first, because usually, every time I pull away, he comes toward me and ups the ante a little. I just need to be strong. Maybe the next time he does this, I'll just confront him and ask him what he's doing. Of course he'll say "I don't know what I'm doing," and I'll be tempted to take this as an invitation to take the lead. I just need to be strong and stay the course.

    Kind of makes me wonder what I'm doing in the salsa scene if I want a serious relationship. I love to dance, but the men seem to be such players. I'm just not used to being treated this way. Usually it's pretty clear cut. Either a man likes me or he doesn't.

    Thanks again for the invaluable advice.
  16. DJ Yuca

    DJ Yuca El Sabroso de Conguero

    Don't let this joker put you off. Look on the positive side: at least he's not persuaded you to start something, then 'realised' he's not that interested.
    Marisha likes this.
  17. Ciaran Hegarty

    Ciaran Hegarty Descarga

    Oh God help him
    Sabrosura and Biaja like this.
  18. Biaja

    Biaja Changui

    Yes, I'm fortunate that he never took advantage of me when he had so many opportunities. Though I wish I could have gotten one kiss out of him. I have decided to do something very old fashioned and write him a Dear John letter (his name is John so it's fitting). I am going to write it in Spanish with a translation. Spanish is not my native language - I just learned how to speak it in 2011. But it will help me choose my words carefully. Also, it's appropriate for a salsa relationship. Also, I think it is romantic, as our whole relationship has been. I am going to tell him how it has taken me 9 months to realize he is not interested in me, how stupid I feel for not getting the hint sooner, and that I can no longer dance with him. This should make it pretty final because I never go back on my word.

    I think he will feel bad, but it will not change his behaviors. It is up to me to change mine. I don't care if he knows how I feel. At least I will never second guess myself for not telling him. Then I can move on confidently, forgiving myself for being human and for wanting someone so badly that I would wait for them for 9 months. It hurts a lot. But the guy who ends up with me will be very lucky to have someone like me. And that guy is not worthy of me.
  19. Biaja

    Biaja Changui

    Ain't that the truth? LOL I told him it's not teaching him to be a man; it's teaching him to be a player. He has learned his lesson well.
  20. Chris_Yannick

    Chris_Yannick Shine Officer

    I know you're hu
    I know you're hurting right now, but let's not get carried away. Serious relationship can happen in Salsa. You just need to find the right people. I could say the same thing about the women in salsa.. that they are all just flirting with every other man they come across and aren't looking for anything serious, just good dance partnerships. There are decisive men in the salsa scene too. It's just that we get so accustomed with salsa culture (double cheek kisses, hugs, and the like..), some times we don't realize it when we are giving the wrong/mixed signals to the opposite sex.
    Biaja likes this.

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