Jealous of gf salsa dancing

J

Jdodd

Hi there,

Im not really sure what to expect from this post but here goes. So my gf dances salsa, she is pretty good to from what I have seen. Problem is I get massively jealous when I see/know she dances with other men. I met my gf not long after I had come out of a long relationship which ended my short marriage (but long relationship) when my partner cheated on me with a work colleague. Now my gf says that there is nothing in it and that it is just a dance, nothing more. However i feel physically sick when I see her dancing away in close proximity to another man, even thinking about it now makes my stomache turn. I know its a reaction due to what happened in my previous relationship, but it doesnt stop the negativity.

It doesnt help that even though I have asked her for pointers to help me get started with salsa, she told me that she gets frustrated because I cant do what other men can, talk about being kicking (metaphorically) in the nuts.

So am I worrying about nothing, is it for women (I guess your input in this question is more important than from the male point of view) just a dance?
 
Jdodd, answer is don't go salsa dancing with her. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
If you have a hobby get good at it. It is her hobby, let her pursue it and don't interfere.
 
if she's good she probably has already her sexuality tested many times and she knows the dangers and her reactions. so you still have to face trust issue, no matter what we write here.

now the propaganda department has announced that you should use this opportunity to learn salsa. get someone else as a teacher and use her to practice every day. hopefully you'll improve fast and salsa community will get another member. it's normal that she gets frustrated, but hey if your relation can not stand some clumsy salsa, how high is the bar?

now to get to actual question - it depends on person; some people dance to get laid; some to exercise; some for music; some to look good; some to challenge mind; some to forget their past relations and of course there are combinations of everything. talk to her about why she does it. also i bet her initial reasons why she started changed and current will change with experience, boredom, influences.

to add some lady perspective take a look at these blogs. both girls, i think, are orthodox christians and salsa dancers, so they face similar issues as their souls are in danger. :)

http://flowingthroughme.blogspot.com/
http://kluelessinseattle.blogspot.com/search/label/Salsa
http://seattlesalsa.blogspot.com/

also i think most experienced male dancers understand your situation and have developed sense of borders; they still play with women bodies, sexuality and so on, but they should not screw this up, otherwise where will they go to dance? :)
 
Jdodd said:
It doesnt help that even though I have asked her for pointers to help me get started with salsa, she told me that she gets frustrated because I cant do what other men can, talk about being kicking (metaphorically) in the nuts.
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OK, don't take lessons from your girlfriend. She's probably not that good if she can't teach you. You're asking for arguments that way anyway. Take a couple of private lessons with a good male and/or female instructor (not your girlfriend even if she is a teacher) in the style of Salsa your girlfriend dances to get you started or get you up the improvement curve quickly if you're already dancing. Take some drop in classes to learn and practice moves and do some sly practice at home in the mirror when you're girlfriend is not there.

Yes there are different styles, ask her which she does or ask a teacher which she does. LA, NY, Cuban, Colombian, Puero Rican, Miami etc.

Always take lessons where your other half cannot hear or learn what you are learning, this way she can't criticise you as much. Just try to have fun with your gf when you go out to a club and get tips from everyone else you dance with that you can. Dance with others as much as you can during the night that way you'll improve quickly and your gf won't feel like she can't enjoy herself as well.

Work on these things most of all:
- Learn good basic steps. It's not how many steps you know, it's the quality that counts.
- Get your musical timing (hearing) and dance timing (stepping) rock solid. The music has 4 beats to a bar. We step over two bars of music, counting 123-567-. But there really is a 4 and 8 when you don't step but keep your body moving.
- Dance on the balls (front) of your feet with your heel up. Helps you react more quickly and keep your body weight in the middle for good balance.
- Work on connecting with your partner(s). Press into their hands, look at them etc.
- Break up the moves into small pieces of 4 beats (3 steps) each and work out what makes the move work. this is called leading.
- Have fun.

There is lots of advice for beginners here that will help get you started:
Oldies but goodies…

and thousands of free Salsa videos on YouTube.

You can even get a DVD to help you learn but it's not a replacement for lessons. Again make sure it's in the same style and useful to you.

Overall you don't need to be the best dancer in the club for your gf to enjoy dancing with you. Concentrate on connecting with her, keeping it smooth and on time, the feeling of the dance, not complicated arm stuff.

Jdodd said:
So am I worrying about nothing, is it for women (I guess your input in this question is more important than from the male point of view) just a dance?
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Pretty much. The better dancer your girlfriend is the more investment she has put in to JUST dancing. We get very accustomed to being close and flirting without meaning anything just for the fun of it during the dance. You can flirt with 10 girls on the dance floor in a night and never actually mean anything by it. What's important is what happens off the dance floor. Salsa dancing is nothing like normal clubbing.

All your questions are answered here. There are links to more threads inside:

Rules for dating in the salsa scene

.
 
If your relationship is good, no amount of dancing with other men will drive your girlfriend away. If it isn't, then you might have something to worry about. Especially since she's higher level, I wouldn't worry too much. Most people who work hard on their dancing and who are very good are in the clubs to get their practice and improve first and foremost. Meeting someone is secondary if it's even a consideration.

If she's getting frustrated, don't take it personally. It takes more to please dancers on the dance floor as they improve. They need more to get them excited and buzzing. But a great male dancer does not equal a superior person and a bad dancer doesn't equal an inferior person. When it comes to relationships, character is what matters and your character must be why your girlfriend is with you rather than the multitudes of guys she dances with.

I wouldn't go to the clubs with her unless you too are serious about improving your dancing by dancing with other women because you'll just end up watching her the whole time and we know what that's like, right? Once you start dancing with other women, you'll realize it's more innocent than it seems. It may be a little seductive for those 3-4 minutes but when the song's over, so is the seduction...most of the time.:)
 
pramodh_salsa said:
Jdodd, answer is don't go salsa dancing with her. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
If you have a hobby get good at it. It is her hobby, let her pursue it and don't interfere.
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I can see your point but for me its important to be able to share each others interests/passions. If you are really interested in someone (as I am with this girl) then i think its important to be part of their lives.

I find it insulting that you are insinuating that I am interfering with her hobby (you male or female btw?) All i want to do is share with her in her interests, im not planning on being there all of the time, just some of the time. All im trying to do with this post is get some idea of what the emotional aspect is when a woman dances with a man at salsa.

Its tough for me to understand that the moment the dance is over thats that. When you were done over by an ex its kind of hard to know that someone you care about is in physical contact with a member of the opposite sex.

I do intend to learn salsa (though am bricking it that ill be super ****)
 
EvaDarling said:
But a great male dancer does not equal a superior person and a bad dancer doesn't equal an inferior person. When it comes to relationships, character is what matters and your character must be why your girlfriend is with you rather than the multitudes of guys she dances with.
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This. She may be around a lot of other guys all the time, but she chose to be with YOU. That's something in which you can take pride.

I know you said it's better to hear from ladies on the issue, but still, what happens on the dance floor really is nothing far more often than not. And like others have said, the really good female dancers tend to be averse to guys hitting on them in the clubs anyway.
 
Jdodd, before you dive into learning how to dance Salsa, as others suggested here, just keep in mind one thing:

Don't dance for her, dance for yourself.
Do it because you want it, and not because you want to prove something to her.

Good luck :)
 
Jdodd said:
Hi there,

Im not really sure what to expect from this post but here goes. So my gf dances salsa, she is pretty good to from what I have seen. Problem is I get massively jealous when I see/know she dances with other men. I met my gf not long after I had come out of a long relationship which ended my short marriage (but long relationship) when my partner cheated on me with a work colleague. Now my gf says that there is nothing in it and that it is just a dance, nothing more. However i feel physically sick when I see her dancing away in close proximity to another man, even thinking about it now makes my stomache turn. I know its a reaction due to what happened in my previous relationship, but it doesnt stop the negativity.

It doesnt help that even though I have asked her for pointers to help me get started with salsa, she told me that she gets frustrated because I cant do what other men can, talk about being kicking (metaphorically) in the nuts.

So am I worrying about nothing, is it for women (I guess your input in this question is more important than from the male point of view) just a dance?
Click to expand...



We all have dealbreakers when it comes to relationships and dating. For me I cannot stand smoking, so anyone who smokes is automatically disqualified in my dating realm as far as I'm concerned. There's no compromising here, no middle ground. So before you decide that her dancing with other men is a dealbreaker, ask yourself the question first, do you like salsa? Is salsa something that you are going to pursue because you have a general interest in it? (NOT JUST BECAUSE YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS DOING IT)

And if it is, don't get in that "I'll show you" mode where you are now competing against your significant other. I've been in classes and talked to fellow students who started salsa because their loved one is a dancer and some show such disdain and contempt towards the other. Salsa instead just became a battleground.

So if they do decide to take classes, do so for your own benefit, and like someone said earlier do not ask her for lessons. I have also seen couples in some of my classes and they bicker at each other also the entire hour or so. Especially if one is and/or thinks the other is far superior to their gf/bf.

Now take a look at your relationship again. Is your relationship ok? Great? Fantastic? Marginal? Is the only thing wrong the salsa dancing aspect? If she is perfect in every way and can do no wrong, you will have to find a way to get over her dancing. If you are planning on taking up salsa yourself, I can confidently say that your stance on that will definitely change. Like someone said earlier, salsa is faaaaaar different from clubbing. Salsa really is JUST DANCING. You share a song with that person and that's it, when the song ends its over. Then you do it again. If your girlfriend is great as you think she is, she will be supportive of you taking up salsa.
 
Welcome to SF, Jdodd!

Jdodd said:
So my gf dances salsa, she is pretty good to from what I have seen. Problem is I get massively jealous when I see/know she dances with other men. I met my gf not long after I had come out of a long relationship which ended my short marriage (but long relationship) when my partner cheated on me with a work colleague. Now my gf says that there is nothing in it and that it is just a dance, nothing more. However i feel physically sick when I see her dancing away in close proximity to another man, even thinking about it now makes my stomache turn. I know its a reaction due to what happened in my previous relationship, but it doesnt stop the negativity.
Click to expand...

I can understand that for you or any other outsider the behavior in the salsa scene can look confusing and give a wrong impression. But for most of us, it's all about the dancing and enjoying round about 5 wonderful minutes together before switching partners.

But in this case, it's not just about this behavior but also about your previous experience with your partner. It's sad that your partner decided to cheat on you, especially when you were already married. Such an experience will surely violate you and make you suspicious about any new relationships. But you need to understand and remember that trusting your partner is the basis for any serious relationship and also that it's not helpful to project your old bad experience onto any new partner. So I think it's great and helpful that you already noticed that your overall reaction is based on your previous bad experience. But you need to learn now that while your partner was the just the single 'bad apple in a basket' and nothing more. If you're not sure if you can manage this on your own, try to get some professional help or it might endanger your new relationship, even when you take up salsa.

You don't need to feel so jealous about the other guys with whom she's dancing, because remember: She has chosen you as her partner in love and not any of the other guys she regularly meets for dancing. So while she enjoys dancing with them, she doesn't seem the as potential partners, but you!

Jdodd said:
It doesnt help that even though I have asked her for pointers to help me get started with salsa, she told me that she gets frustrated because I cant do what other men can, talk about being kicking (metaphorically) in the nuts.
Click to expand...

I think the problem here is that she's comparing you to her other dancer partners, who I suppose are already dancing for a much longer period of time. But as a beginner, it's normal that you can yet dance the way others dance with her. It will take time and a bit of work from you, but you'll get once to the point as well.

Jdodd said:
I can see your point but for me its important to be able to share each others interests/passions. If you are really interested in someone (as I am with this girl) then i think its important to be part of their lives.
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While I think it's great to share some of each others interests, I feel that everybody should have some interests on his own. You're relationship is based not just on the interests that you share and spend time at together, but also on your character and other aspects that you both love about each other. Let your partner have some of her interest or passion to her own and she'll be much happier staying with you then if you try to share every single interest/passion with her.

Jdodd said:
I do intend to learn salsa (though am bricking it that ill be super ****)
Click to expand...

As long as you want to learn it because you want to, then everything is fine. But if you just want to learn it because of your partner, then I think you might want to rethink this one. Especially since salsa isn't something that you learn in a day or two, but that takes weeks to month to not only learn the basics, but really dance with your partner.

In any case, I wish you good luck with your new partner and wish you that you'll find the relationship that you look for as well as regain the trust that you partner is just going to salsa for the dance and not for something else. And should you really stick with learning salsa, I wish you get to the point where you'll understand that it's all about the dance and your partner for just 5 minutes and nothing more.
 
Some excellent posts here already. Here are my points, some are reinforcements of points made by other salseros.

1) Never take up a hobby for someone else. Not going to work. You SHOULD try it to see if you like it. But if you don't end up liking it for yourself, don't do it. I didn't know I liked salsa until my friends talked me into trying it. So I'm 100% for trying it. But sticking with it... only if YOU like it.

2) When you are "working on dancing", it's very easy to get into a fight. I'd suggest taking classes with a teacher. If she's ahead of you skill-wise, go take a class yourself. That's how I started. After talking me into taking some classes, my friends bailed on me and left me there by myself. It's not that big of a deal. A couple of classes later, you'll have new friends. Also you need to dance with different people, and so does your girlfriend. Learning salsa doesn't mean now you two only dance with each other exclusively. Not going to happen, I guarantee it. So ultimately you still have to be okay with her dancing with other men.

3) You already know this. This is your issue, not your girlfriend's issue. You can approach this two ways: One, get professional help, i.e. counceling. You need to get over your previous bad experience. Two, don't get professional help, and just recognize this as a deal breaker for you, and do not date salsa dancers. Both ways I feel are equally valid. Just because you got over your previous experience doesn't mean you'll have the most awesome relationships ever. It's very complicated. Just because you hang on to this negativity doesn't mean you won't have the most awesome relationship ever, some women view jealousy as a sign of love. Get one of those and she'll actually feel extra secure. So it's your choice.

Learning salsa will give you two a common hobby. Beyond that, it's not going to resolve anything else.
 
Regularly dancing with a lot of muscular, fit, attractive men, in extreme proximity, to seductive music, with seductive movements - I know it sounds like the perfect recipe for someone to cheat on you, but it actually has the opposite effect. After a while it desensitizes you to the sexual side of such close interactions, and attractive men and physical closeness stop being a signal for sexual attraction. I think the men on the forum have reported similar reactions in other threads.

Forgot a note about teaching - don't let her teach you, that will not end well! You don't even need to learn the dance if you don't want to. Get your own hobby, as someone pointed out earlier.
 
Speaking from the salsera perspective, I would have to agree with the majority of what was said on here and the advice that was given to you. One of the major things to think about is if you actually are interested in learning salsa, or just want to do it for the sharing of a hobby in your relationship. Salsa is definitely not everyone's cup of tea (although, I really can't imagine why not...lol), and can be a bit frustrating when you first start if there is not a genuine and sincere interest to learn. Seeing as how it is already bringing an element of tension in your relationship, I would strongly urge you not to get involved in it if it's solely for your "feeling jealous" purposes; because, it's liable to bing in more dissention. Salsa can definitely be a "diehard" sport of sorts, and is truly only fun when you want to enjoy it.

I would definitely say that you shouldn't get too jealous though- especially if you all have a great relationship aside from this. My mentality (and a lot of my other salsera friends) is, "not to crap where you eat".... If you let it, there can be a lot of drama on the floor and in the scene. So many times it's more refreshing to be involved with someone who's not in/of the scene because it doesn't directly affect your dance happiness and whatnot- and you can still get your salsa fix without worrying about what goes on off the floor ;-). This is just my 2 cents on your situation :-).
 
Smejmoon said:
if she's good she probably has already her sexuality tested many times and she knows the dangers and her reactions. so you still have to face trust issue, no matter what we write here.
Click to expand...

I'd 100% agree on that one, if thats the case, just take it easy.
 
Jdodd,

There have indeed been quite a few excellent posts, so I won't reiterate their points. But I would like to point you to an excellent article that talks about passion in/for the dance as well as the differences between sensuality and sexuality. I recommend that all dancers read this. It was written by an Argentine tango instructor so it references that particular dance, but the points she makes apply to all partner dances. Below is the link. Good luck!

Passion Container, by Sharna Fabiano
http://www.tangomercurio.org/ar-passion.html
 
It can be perfectly natural to feel jealous, especially seeing your partner dance sensuously with someone else. However jealously can also kill a relationship. Usually jealously is a sign that you are insecure. Therefore first thing you have to introspect is why you are feeling jealous.


Jdodd said:
I can see your point but for me its important to be able to share each others interests/passions. If you are really interested in someone (as I am with this girl) then i think its important to be part of their lives.

All i want to do is share with her in her interests, im not planning on being there all of the time, just some of the time. All im trying to do with this post is get some idea of what the emotional aspect is when a woman dances with a man at salsa.
Click to expand...

It is commendable that you want to be part of your partner's life and share her hobby. Learning dancing can be incredibly frustrating for a guy, especially in the beginning. Who knows, you might start liking dancing and that will stay with you for life, rather than the current girl. Or you may never develop a liking for it. But if you are to give it a try, don't give it up in few months.


Jdodd said:
Its tough for me to understand that the moment the dance is over thats that. When you were done over by an ex its kind of hard to know that someone you care about is in physical contact with a member of the opposite sex.
Click to expand...

Unless you get into dancing yourself, it is very hard for anyone else to convince you that there is very little emotional aspect that's directed solely because the dance partner is of opposite gender and/or very attractive. Only when you experience it yourself, you will know why people say that there is nothing except pleasure of dancing for that five or six minutes.

Don't get me wrong. Most dancers are intensely emotional when dancing. You can probably see the emotional intensity with which people discuss and express their dance experience in the other threads on this forum. But none of that intensity is remotely sexual.
 
Jdodd, (I am a male.)
We've heard your feelings, but what about your gf's feelings. Maybe she's just
not that serious about the relationship. My daughter has a nondancing boyfriend,
but she is young and just doesn't take the relationship all that serious. She intends
to meet/date many boys before she decides to get serious. If he started getting
jealous with her, he'd be gone in a heartbeat.

Salsa isn't the issue. She can certainly fall for another salsa dancer. If so, it will
be because of the guy and not the dancing. You can't avoid it by locking her in
a closet or by stalking her every minute of the day. If you can't trust her,...you've
got issues you need to deal with.

Women/men are not objects to be owned. If it was meant to be, it will be.

....If you are insulted by my opinion. Tough.
By the way, I have been married 25 yrs.
 
Wow, another thread for the WEIRD SALSA files. You feel jealous/insecure when you see your girlfriend dancing with other guys. But if you become a good Salsa dancer, then you could be tempted by all the women who want to dance with YOU.

On the positive side, you're lucky to have a regular partner if you decide to pursue Salsa. For a guy, trying to learn Salsa without a partner can be incredibly hard.

I think Salsa (and other partner dances) can be good for personal growth, helping one learn how to deal with jealousy (though I think it can also have the opposite effect). However, I think it's ultimately a question of balance. I certainly wouldn't want to go to the other extreme. To put it in perspective, some women (and maybe even a few guys) will dance Salsa with strangers but will save more sensuous dances (e.g. Bachata) for their love interests. That's one reason I've balked at trying Tango.

In summary, you may be damned if you do and damned if you don't. I hope everything works out for you!
 
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