Dancing habits changing when you get a significant other

E

EvaDarling

I've been social dancing for over 3 years now and I've noticed that every time I have a boyfriend, my interest in salsa goes down a bit. Grant it, most of the guys I've dated in the last few years either were not that much into social dancing or couldn't make it to socials with me. My current boyfriend doesn't really dance but he is taking lessons now so that we could go out dancing together...which I'm really happy about. :P

I noticed this yet again as I was standing around at a social last night. The room was super crowded and there were a lot of women so many of them were waiting for a guy to ask them to dance. I got there earlier to get some dances but later on in the night, it was getting harder. If felt like being single all over again! Waiting for a guy to pick you and feeling invisible if he didn't. Some of the girls were being flirtatious and touchy with the guys and getting attention that way but I'm not interested in being that way since I'm not trying to meet anyone there. So I remain friendly but keep the flirtation level down.

And then when we dance with others, we tend to have only superficial conversations with them which pales to any conversation with our significant other or close friends. I felt so lonely after standing around for about 15 minutes that I left early and messaged my boyfriend that I missed him, and that I wished I had spent the night with him. I have experienced this scenario with previous boyfriends also so I'm noticing a trend here!

Which leads me to my question...Do those who have significant others (bf's, gf's, fiance(e)s, husbands & wives) eventually stop dancing once in a more committed relationship? I'd like to think I'll be social dancing forever but something about it makes me feel like it's just for the young ones or the single ones. I'm wondering if eventually, I'll just be dancing in my living room with my future husband and that will be my night of social dancing...not that I have anything against that!:D What have everyone's experiences been?
 
I've certainly lost a few dancer-friends due to them getting in to relationships. Either their new partner doesn't dance and they feel compelled not to either, or they are told by their partners that they don't like them going out dancing, so they stop.

I've also noticed a few couples that are still dancing as much as ever.

I seem to remember not dancing as much when I was in a relationship, but part of that was me making time for her instead of going out dancing all the time.
 
Congratulations on the relationship. Sounds exciting.

It can be interesting to see how interests and priorities evolve. I believe it depends on the relationship and your stage in dancing.

Whatever makes you happy :)
 
:)
EvaDarling said:
I noticed this yet again as I was standing around at a social last night. The room was super crowded and there were a lot of women so many of them were waiting for a guy to ask them to dance. I got there earlier to get some dances but later on in the night, it was getting harder. If felt like being single all over again! Waiting for a guy to pick you and feeling invisible if he didn't. Some of the girls were being flirtatious and touchy with the guys and getting attention that way but I'm not interested in being that way since I'm not trying to meet anyone there. So I remain friendly but keep the flirtation level down.
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Were you at the Salsa Mania social last night, Eva? I was there too (I was wearing a very pink shirt). I will PM you so that we can recognize each other at the next social (I go to most of them.)

When there are too many followers, it can get frustrating to stand around waiting for a guy to ask. Why not just go ask guys to dance, they'll happily say yes :). (Worked for me last night, I only sat out a couple of songs in the three hours I was there.)

EvaDarling said:
Which leads me to my question...Do those who have significant others (bf's, gf's, fiance(e)s, husbands & wives) eventually stop dancing once in a more committed relationship? I'd like to think I'll be social dancing forever but something about it makes me feel like it's just for the young ones or the single ones. I'm wondering if eventually, I'll just be dancing in my living room with my future husband and that will be my night of social dancing...not that I have anything against that!:D What have everyone's experiences been?
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I don't know about other people, but I hope to keep dancing all my life, single or not...I will probably be the 80-year-old "salsa cougar" lady showing up at socials dancing with all the young guys :lol:.

I think dancing with one's significant other is a wonderful way of sharing that special connection with him/her, but I love social dancing too much to give it up, I love experiencing the different ways of connecting with the music people have, so I don't think only dancing in the living room with my significant other would do it. Unless maybe if he is the most amazing dancer in the world :).
 
I am surprised you don't have close friends or at least very good friends who also dance.

Personally my girlfriend is a dancer, but Salsa is not at the top of her agenda, so more often than not I hit up socials alone. We've been together, ooh 4 years now. Do I miss her at socials sometimes? Absolutely.

However I've also made several really good friends, and a couple of close ones, through Salsa over this time, so when I'm not dancing I generally have someone I care for to spend time with.

I think maybe developing (which I assume is possible in one of the salsa capitals of the world) your social connections within salsa might help you feel less isolated when in relationships ;)
 
Probably...
As a follower in the salsa scene you certainly have to "follow the game's rules" if you want to be a popular follow who gets to dance frequently. I'm not telling you anything new here, I am sure.
Of course the extent to which you have to do that varies, and the better dancer you are the less you'll have to do those dance-unrelated things, and if you are a well-respected performer or teacher in your scene you might not have to do them at all, but as a "normal" social dancer, in most cases you'll simply have to be more flirtatious than you'd normally be. Of course I am not saying you have to throw yourself at any guy who you'd like to dance with, but my guess is most women will understand what I am talking about.
If you are the type of person who is completely comfortable with this "game" you might be unlikely to change anything after you got into a commited relationship. If, however, it always bothered you a little bit and being a super flirt with anybody without attaching any meaning to it isn't within your disposition I think you might very well change your ways, even if only out of a certain respect towards your SO. And accordingly to my theory about "playing the game" you'd ultimately get less dances.
I do not know whether this really applies to your scene since it's technically not as follower-heavy as most of Europe, for example, but what you describe makes me think that it's not that much different where you are, after all. Too bad.... I was really hoping NY was the last and only salsa heaven on earth, in terms of ratio just as in terms of anything else :rolleyes:
But I don't think that your interest in the scene fades because of the relationship (because you aren't looking for anyone), I think it's the scene's (its male part's) interest in you that changes, and you just react accordingly.
I hope you find a way to deal with it so you can still do what you love so much! Maybe you can ultimately find those leader-heavy socials where you can be just a girl who came out for salsa only and still gets lots and lots of great dances! :kissme:
 
desconocida said:
I do not know whether this really applies to your scene since it's technically not as follower-heavy as most of Europe, for example, but what you describe makes me think that it's not that much different where you are, after all. Too bad.... I was really hoping NY was the last and only salsa heaven on earth, in terms of ratio just as in terms of anything else :rolleyes:
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Desconocida, don't give up hope, bad nights happen everywhere, but New York IS most certainly a salsa heaven :). I don't know about the leader-follower ratios in other places, but since I've been social dancing regularly (September) I have had very, very few nights where I had to sit out dances or have to ask more than a few times to get dances.

Also, leader-follower ratio aside, we have Frankie in NY--what more do you want? :)

So when are you coming to visit? :)
 
Oh, trust me, I'd come rightaway if only I could! ;) Like immediately!
I cannot really plan anything just yet but I hope I might make it next January or February. And yes, that trip would be almost exclusively dedicated to Abakua's classes (well, maybe a little Karel on some of the days) :rolleyes: Oh, and I need to make sure I make it there when LVG is on! I've basically had it all planned for the past five years or so :roll:
 
My ex GF was trying to reduce the amount of time I went out dancing, and as a result I broke it off with her.

It really depends on how passionate you are about dancing salsa, if you're not hugely passionate then a relationship will indeed have an impact on how much you dance it. I'm so passionate personally that I cannot and will not let any relationship influence how much I dance, regardless of how much I like the other person.

Also, imho, if someone tries to have a say on how much dancing you do, and you're not willing to give up any amount of dancing, then you're not right for each other, simple. On the other hand if you're willing to give up some dancing, it's all good, but it also means you're not as into the dance as you probably thought you were.
 
Basically I think yih dnce to the level that you are comfortable with. If yih choose to substitute time with your SO for your dancing and that's what makes you happy then that's what's best for you. For me I love my dance time and that's my time but if family time Conflicts then the family comes first ....so if it's Jimmy's and the SO wants to o out ill defer Jimmy's until the next one if I've been going to Jimmy's regularly....it's a balancing issue that sometimes yih have to play by ear because as selfish as dancers can be with our time SO's can be just as selfish with our time as well...not necessarily a negative. UT if they only want to be selfish with your time when its a known salsa time then draw your own conclusions...with regards to the NYC scene I don't think it's overly Flirty...everyone asks here and at your hardcore dance spots the dancers are more appreciative of dancers who throw down than of those who flirt...I think a part of rue dance is flirtatious but the more important part is the connection with your partner and the music ....
 
I think it's very common for people to disappear from the scene when they start dating. Some people come back after a while (while still in that relationship), some don't. When I started dating the man who is now my hubby, I cut down my salsa time to make room for dating. We would go out for a meal or a film first, then go to a salsa night together. We also stopped taking the Saturday classes we used to attend. That was 7 1/2 years ago and probably lasted about half a year until we moved in together, after which it was possible to spend more time together without it cutting into the salsa time. People are often surprised that hubby lets me go out alone so much, but it probably helps that neither of us have a 9-5 office job and are able to spend a lot of time together during the day.

I have always been a social-danceaholic who need to dance as much as physically possible with as many people as time allows, and having met in the salsa scene, hubby always knew that and has no problem. He's always been more a DJ than a dancer and nowadays doesn't really dance at all, but he still happily sets me loose on my salsa trips :D

I also know plenty of long-term salsa couples who would go out together but dance mostly with others, saving only some special dances for each other (first dance, last dance, favourite songs, etc.). There are also people I know (both male and female) who are in a long-term relationship with a non-dancer who come out alone to salsa nights. I regard salsa as a pretty safe environment for non-singles to have a good night out in, unlike regular night clubs. I've also seen couples who seem to spend most nights dancing almost exclusively with each other, but these are much rarer. I'd get bored but to each their own.

When I go out I absolutely do NOT flirt. I'm quite comfortable asking guys to dance whether I know them or not, and also have plenty of salsa pals who would make a point of asking me when they see me, so I don't need to sit out songs often. I never really felt any need to put on a flirty front to get my dances. I know how lucky I am with my hubby, and his trust in me is very important.
 
I was a salsaholic for 4-5 years, going out at least 5 nights a week. Then, being in a relationship the last 6 months with someone who had a hard time with me dancing, I cut back to once or twice a week (if lucky). Looks like the relationship is over, and I hope I can get back into the dance 'flow', though I feel really rusty.

I would have been happy going out consistently twice a week while dating, but it never seemed to be possible, either because of the personal conflicts or because I was too tired.
 
Well in my case i am very lucky that my girlfriend is also a dancer,so she always use to motivate me, give tons of suggestions :)
But you are right Eva if someones partner not a dancer then their relationships mostly become very complicated even breakups



EvaDarling said:
I've been social dancing for over 3 years now and I've noticed that every time I have a boyfriend, my interest in salsa goes down a bit. Grant it, most of the guys I've dated in the last few years either were not that much into social dancing or couldn't make it to socials with me. My current boyfriend doesn't really dance but he is taking lessons now so that we could go out dancing together...which I'm really happy about. :P

I noticed this yet again as I was standing around at a social last night. The room was super crowded and there were a lot of women so many of them were waiting for a guy to ask them to dance. I got there earlier to get some dances but later on in the night, it was getting harder. If felt like being single all over again! Waiting for a guy to pick you and feeling invisible if he didn't. Some of the girls were being flirtatious and touchy with the guys and getting attention that way but I'm not interested in being that way since I'm not trying to meet anyone there. So I remain friendly but keep the flirtation level down.

And then when we dance with others, we tend to have only superficial conversations with them which pales to any conversation with our significant other or close friends. I felt so lonely after standing around for about 15 minutes that I left early and messaged my boyfriend that I missed him, and that I wished I had spent the night with him. I have experienced this scenario with previous boyfriends also so I'm noticing a trend here!

Which leads me to my question...Do those who have significant others (bf's, gf's, fiance(e)s, husbands & wives) eventually stop dancing once in a more committed relationship? I'd like to think I'll be social dancing forever but something about it makes me feel like it's just for the young ones or the single ones. I'm wondering if eventually, I'll just be dancing in my living room with my future husband and that will be my night of social dancing...not that I have anything against that!:D What have everyone's experiences been?
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@Sabrosura...Yeah, I was at Salsamania! I usually go to Jimmy's and LVG though. I think I remember two pink shirted women. One was Asian and the other was not. I'm not sure which one you are.:) I guess I got spoiled and stopped asking guys to dance because I normally don't have to and actually have to sometimes hide in the bathroom to get a break. That's great that you have that passion for salsa to want to do it forever. Mine fluctuates depending on life circumstances and my mood.

@wildbill. Yes, I have friends who do salsa but my best friend in salsa is currently MIA due to personal matters. So lately, I tend to go alone and just meet whomever I know there, if I see them, or get some coffee or a meal before the social with them if they're free. Having friends at the social you're attending makes a world of difference. I tend to not want to go out dancing if my friends I hang out with outside of the socials won't be there. Maybe my passion for it isn't that strong.

and @desconocida...Yes, NYC definitely IS salsa heaven. The best leads and music I've experienced in my salsa travels. This one night I think was the exception and not the norm for me. I never really have to ask guys to dance. I'm not saying I have to flirt with all guys because many will ask me to dance without any flirtation much less direct eye contact from me. But it certainly does help when you're standing around waiting to be asked! Yes, I'm not much into playing any games in life...just being myself. But I guess that doesn't always work...
 
EvaDarling said:
Which leads me to my question...Do those who have significant others (bf's, gf's, fiance(e)s, husbands & wives) eventually stop dancing once in a more committed relationship? I'd like to think I'll be social dancing forever but something about it makes me feel like it's just for the young ones or the single ones. I'm wondering if eventually, I'll just be dancing in my living room with my future husband and that will be my night of social dancing...not that I have anything against that!:D What have everyone's experiences been?
Click to expand...

I find myself cutting down on the social dancing while in a relationship. If I am in a committed relationship - irregardless of whether she is a dancer or not - building on that relationship will override my desire to dance socially. If she wants to go out dancing, great! If not, also great! I'm substantially less obsessive about dance than most, thus I hardly have any conflicts with my SO regarding dance habits. That doesn't make me love dance any less. I don't have to be out dancing 5 times a week to prove my love for dance. If I go out dancing just once a month while in a happy committed relationship, then that is enough for me.
 
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