Dating someone who is not a dancer...advice?

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EvaDarling

I just started dating someone new and he seems special. He's Latin and told me dances salsa...is self-taught. In actuality, he only dances a few times a year whereas I dance 1-2 times a week. Well, we went out dancing to a social for the first time together because he wanted to dance and I wanted to find out what kind of salsa he dances (because I'm very suspicious of self-taught dancers, haha). He dances some version of Colombian salsa while I dance on2 as most people do in New York. I think he felt out of place or maybe I'm just overthinking it. But I danced with 5-6 guys and he danced with nobody but me. He usually goes to clubs where it's all kinds of styles of salsa being danced. I felt bad so I sat with him most of the night talking instead of dancing.

The reason for my story. I dated someone in salsa and it didn't work out, and I honestly don't want to date anyone again in the dance scene. My friends though advised me not to bring any guy who's not in the scene to socials because of possible jealousy. I had a guy I danced with last night coming onto me at the social and I felt awkward because my new guy was right there, and I don't even like this guy! I think that all the flirtatiousness that goes on at socials can be misconstrued by an outsider. I know my new guy was watching me the whole time. I've realized that it's very hard to form a normal relationship with someone who goes to socials regularly and I don't want to deal with that anymore but how is it for people who date or are married to someone outside of the scene? Are their partners understanding and what advice would you give me?
 
date the guy.

never take him to salsa for a date. Salsa nights are salsa nights, for obsessive dancing with randoms. date nights are for focus on your date.

If your relationship develops and you don't feel like dancing so much, then so be it.

But if he tries to stop you dancing and gives you a hard time, draw your line right there. Talk through any issues he has with it, but if he then can't respect your boundary dump him.
 
Don't date the guy.

I don't see a lot of potential in this relationship if I am honest. If he is jealous now then I don't see that going away, even if you dance without him. And, because he 'dances' he will want to naturally dance with you! Also, you have the cultural aspect to this... I don't know if he is South American, but in many Latin cultures the guy and the girl go out and they don't dance with anyone else. That is the way it is. If in a group, then they may dance with other group members, but they generally don't have this free exchange going on like we find in the US/European scenes...

As salsa is important to you, I would think that unless there is a sea change in his views he won't be happy with you dancing a lot on your own!
 
sweavo said:
date the guy.

never take him to salsa for a date. Salsa nights are salsa nights, for obsessive dancing with randoms. date nights are for focus on your date.

If your relationship develops and you don't feel like dancing so much, then so be it.

But if he tries to stop you dancing and gives you a hard time, draw your line right there. Talk through any issues he has with it, but if he then can't respect your boundary dump him.
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Wow, well said.
 
Thanks for the replies. @sweavo. I actually didn't want him to come that badly because I suspected he didn't dance on2 and I kind of knew what would happen, but he really wanted to go. From now on, I'm not going to socials with him unless he takes lessons and learns to dance on2. I'm not sure how to tell him that though should the subject arise. I usually dance less when I'm in a relationship but still, I have friends who I go out dancing with and want to keep the connection with them. I guess I'll just have to see how it unfolds.

@sunsoul. He's Colombian but grew up here in the U.S. I don't know if he was jealous but he didn't show it. I'm just putting myself in his shoes as an outsider. I told him I want to learn his style because I honestly don't know how to follow him. I've danced Colombian salsa before but he wasn't even dancing it the way they do in Colombian clubs! But he's a smart guy so I'm hoping he'll understand he will need to learn to dance or I won't be able to dance with him.
 
I have danced with a lot of Colombians/South Americans. Watched the best and the worst dancing.... Colombian salsa is really in another category. Latin club dancers don't dance anything like on1 or on2 dancers. You have the 'good' dancers, the ones that become teachers or decent dancers, but they learn on1/on2 and more often than not move away from their roots. Maybe he will learn, and then you will have something to share and enjoy together...

Perhaps the style that he is dancing is the Latin-cumbia dancefloor style? Kind of a cross between Cuban and cumbia. For an on2 dancer I think it lacks a lot of 'snap'.

Maybe just forget about the dancing, and see what happens!
 
EvaDarling said:
Thanks for the replies. @sweavo. I actually didn't want him to come that badly because I suspected he didn't dance on2 and I kind of knew what would happen, but he really wanted to go. From now on, I'm not going to socials with him unless he takes lessons and learns to dance on2. I'm not sure how to tell him that though should the subject arise.
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Yeah, it'd be hard to say this without it sounding like an ultimatum. You don't want him taking classes because of some ultimatum because that will build up some kind of moral debt where he's making all this effort just for you... likely ending up as resentment.

I would suggest going somewhere nice for dinner with the pair of you then asking him how his salsa night went with you. Then you can talk reflectively about how you imagine it felt for him, and how you think a salsa relationship can work. Also you can drop into the conversation what salsa means for you, what it doesn't mean for you, and how he has a value for you that salsa can't compete with. And invite him to talk. He might have had a great time and be surprised that you are worrying about such issues, or you might end up with him saying that he has no problem with you dancing with other but he prefers not to see it :) it doesn't matter what arrangement you end up with, the important part is you both know how the other feels, rather than guessing.
 
why dont you date the latino and an on2 dancer? then you can decide which one better ;)

if the latino comes with you to salsa and watches you whole night, you wont be able to enjoy even if you dont flirt with guys.

if he decides to learn on2, it'll take time to enjoy salsa with him (lets say at least 5-6 months) latino or not, salsa is something to learn.

I think the best option is (as always) you have your hobbies, he probably has his own hobbies. you both can have your "own" times. there's nothing wrong with that.
 
sunsoul said:
I have danced with a lot of Colombians/South Americans. Watched the best and the worst dancing.... Colombian salsa is really in another category. Latin club dancers don't dance anything like on1 or on2 dancers. You have the 'good' dancers, the ones that become teachers or decent dancers, but they learn on1/on2 and more often than not move away from their roots. Maybe he will learn, and then you will have something to share and enjoy together...

Perhaps the style that he is dancing is the Latin-cumbia dancefloor style? Kind of a cross between Cuban and cumbia. For an on2 dancer I think it lacks a lot of 'snap'.

Maybe just forget about the dancing, and see what happens!
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He says he dances to the percussion. Fast footwork. I dunno. I love Colombian club salsa though...
 
sweavo said:
Yeah, it'd be hard to say this without it sounding like an ultimatum. You don't want him taking classes because of some ultimatum because that will build up some kind of moral debt where he's making all this effort just for you... likely ending up as resentment.

I would suggest going somewhere nice for dinner with the pair of you then asking him how his salsa night went with you. Then you can talk reflectively about how you imagine it felt for him, and how you think a salsa relationship can work. Also you can drop into the conversation what salsa means for you, what it doesn't mean for you, and how he has a value for you that salsa can't compete with. And invite him to talk. He might have had a great time and be surprised that you are worrying about such issues, or you might end up with him saying that he has no problem with you dancing with other but he prefers not to see it :) it doesn't matter what arrangement you end up with, the important part is you both know how the other feels, rather than guessing.
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Great advice! I'll have a little talk with him next time to clear the air.
 
olamalam said:
why dont you date the latino and an on2 dancer? then you can decide which one better ;)

if the latino comes with you to salsa and watches you whole night, you wont be able to enjoy even if you dont flirt with guys.

if he decides to learn on2, it'll take time to enjoy salsa with him (lets say at least 5-6 months) latino or not, salsa is something to learn.

I think the best option is (as always) you have your hobbies, he probably has his own hobbies. you both can have your "own" times. there's nothing wrong with that.
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Yeah, ideally, I like to keep hobbies separate with some in common. As for dating an on2 dancer and a latino...my friends and I agree it's hard to find someone who dances to date. They all chit chat but rarely ask us out. And then you have your sweet talkers who seem to do that with every girl. On top of that, you have to worry about who else this person is "dating" or has "dated" in the scene. Too many complications but I might reconsider at some point.
 
sweavo said:
Yeah, it'd be hard to say this without it sounding like an ultimatum. You don't want him taking classes because of some ultimatum because that will build up some kind of moral debt where he's making all this effort just for you... likely ending up as resentment.

I would suggest going somewhere nice for dinner with the pair of you then asking him how his salsa night went with you. Then you can talk reflectively about how you imagine it felt for him, and how you think a salsa relationship can work. Also you can drop into the conversation what salsa means for you, what it doesn't mean for you, and how he has a value for you that salsa can't compete with. And invite him to talk. He might have had a great time and be surprised that you are worrying about such issues, or you might end up with him saying that he has no problem with you dancing with other but he prefers not to see it :) it doesn't matter what arrangement you end up with, the important part is you both know how the other feels, rather than guessing.
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I also think, this is good advice.

It depends on you. If you really like him and are interested in a potential relationship, then I think he is a good "candidate". Since he is Latino and likes salsa he has dance potential, although he might dance salsa differently to you. All Colombians I have ever danced with dance on1´, by the way. In addition, he might have his "personal style or manner", from what you describe. It does not matter, he has rhythm and potential and he likes the music. And he seems to be a nice guy, according to what you said.

Because he is Latino, he might get jealous and show it once you are a steadier couple. Maybe now he doesn't say anything because he feels he is not "entitled" to it yet. You have to understand that that is in their culture. IMO, a little jealousy is OK, too much of it is not good (no drama, please!). If you cannot understand that part of their culture, you should not date a Latino.

I have been married to a Latino for over 15 years, we also met dancing salsa. In the scene were we met I still danced with other guys after we started dating and he had no problem with that because he knew them from the scene. After we got married, we changed scenes (moved away) and have mostly danced with each other unless we are in a group of people we know. I like it that way, too, I had been single for a long time and had danced with many other guys. I was happy and felt privileged that I could go out with "my own" dance partner and I still am very grateful for that. When I travel without my husband on rare occasions, he has no problem with me going out to salsa clubs and dancing with other guys, by the way. And when I do that, I miss dancing with him :).

IMO it is great to have a SO/husband who shares this hobby and has the same taste in music! Wherever we travel in the world, we go out dancing salsa and we always have each other to dance with and to enjoy!
 
EvaDarling said:
As for dating an on2 dancer and a latino...my friends and I agree it's hard to find someone who dances to date. They all chit chat but rarely ask us out. And then you have your sweet talkers who seem to do that with every girl. On top of that, you have to worry about who else this person is "dating" or has "dated" in the scene. Too many complications but I might reconsider at some point.
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Hehe last week I was in NY. I had a couple of very close dances with with a girl in LVG. She asked me where I live. I said unfortunately not NY, otherwise I would ask your phone number :tongue:

But yes, I know what you mean. In serious salsa parties we try to dance as much as we can like girls and at the end of the party we notice that everybody is gone. Decent guys assume that she's there for dancing and he shouldnt waste her time by keeping her apart from salsa. And your serious salsa parties are not bachata friendly, that's another problem.

When I first moved to London, I was behaving as I were in Turkey (still I am) and having friendly talks with everyone, giving warm hug, touching belly or shoulder while talking, some bachata like salsa dances etc. which probably confused (or creeped :lol:) many of them. (And I rarely asked them out.) Now they got used to me :)

Last 1,5 years in London, I had only 3 serious salsa dancer gf for similar reasons maybe. Most of my gf's were non-salsa dancers but as a guy it's easier for me. I could teach team to a degree in a very short time. You can't do the same for your latino unfortunately.

Regarding worrying about whom he's dated or dating, why to worry? whom he's dated is non of your business. and it's not easy to date more than one girl at a time in serious salsa environment. When it's heard, your salsa dating carreer ends :tongue:
 
I believe that the way you handle things now will set the course for the future. The way sweavo said it is perfect. It’s all about balance & being honest.

I'm married to a non-dancer, but incredibly lucky that he's never been the jealous type. He knows that he is welcome to join me & has done so on a few occasions. I always make sure that he isn’t alone in the corner all night, which isn’t any trouble because I like to take breaks. It sounds like you handled this well by making sure your date wasn’t alone too long either. Hopefully in time he will feel comfortable asking others to dance too.

My husband and our relationship is the most important thing to me, but boy salsa makes me a happier wife! ;)
 
@salsera alemana...Thanks. Yes, I think he has potential and he's very good to me. He wants to learn tango and bachata but I think I'll have to talk him into some salsa lessons first! I miss dancing like I did with my ex who could dance almost every Latin style under the sun. There's nothing like that bond...dancing wherever and whenever...and I hope to recreate it with someone else.

@olamalam...I'm a regular at LVG and was there last week. It's the place to be! You're right that I shouldn't worry about who dates whom but I've had guys with girlfriends in the scene express interest in a covert way of course and so I'm kind of cautious.

@natty...that's great you found that balance and someone who understands how important salsa is to you.
 
EvaDarling said:
@olamalam...I'm a regular at LVG and was there last week. It's the place to be!
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It's a pity, probably we've danced without knowing eact other. I don't think that I failed to ask anyone in that party.

EvaDarling said:
You're right that I shouldn't worry about who dates whom but I've had guys with girlfriends in the scene express interest in a covert way of course and so I'm kind of cautious.
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What did you mean with this one? Expressing interest towards you secretly even if they have girlfriend or expressing interest towards their own girlfriends secretly? Both happens anyway. Both should happen at the same time as you can imagine. But girls do that too, so you can't blame guys only. Or maybe you can. Because probably our jerk behaviours changed girls.

Last week I started dating a girl from salsa scene who is one of the regulars and yesterday for the first time we went to a social together. I noticed that she doesn't hesitate to show her "love" to me in front of everyone. So I didn't care as well but I noticed many surprised looks on me :lol: She was complaining about salsa sharks all the time, maybe she's trying to save herself :tongue:
 
olamalam said:
It's a pity, probably we've danced without knowing eact other. I don't think that I failed to ask anyone in that party.



What did you mean with this one? Expressing interest towards you secretly even if they have girlfriend or expressing interest towards their own girlfriends secretly? Both happens anyway. Both should happen at the same time as you can imagine. But girls do that too, so you can't blame guys only. Or maybe you can. Because probably our jerk behaviours changed girls.

Last week I started dating a girl from salsa scene who is one of the regulars and yesterday for the first time we went to a social together. I noticed that she doesn't hesitate to show her "love" to me in front of everyone. So I didn't care as well but I noticed many surprised looks on me :lol: She was complaining about salsa sharks all the time, maybe she's trying to save herself :tongue:
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Possibly. I was wearing a turquoise tank top.

I mean the guys have girlfriends but are not acting like guys who have girlfriends with me. Yeah, the sharks circle around especially when some guy is getting "love" from a woman on the dance floor. Men are funny sometimes.
 
EvaDarling said:
Possibly. I was wearing a turquoise tank top.
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It's not enough info. Tell me what was the color of your shoes :lol:

EvaDarling said:
I mean the guys have girlfriends but are not acting like guys who have girlfriends with me. Yeah, the sharks circle around especially when some guy is getting "love" from a woman on the dance floor. Men are funny sometimes.
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Yeah we do that sometimes. But as I said before, girls do that too. Maybe not as much. Also it's not just in salsa. It happens everywhere.
 
And whether it is a guy or a girl, the dancing partner does need to care about how his/her non-dancing half might perceive things. At the same time signs of insecure/suspicious tendencies are big red flags. It needs maturity on parts of both.

Sweavo put it well. Without much info about the person, it is not too useful projecting our perceptions on to him.

salsera_alemana said:
Because he is Latino, he might get jealous and show it once you are a steadier couple. Maybe now he doesn't say anything because he feels he is not "entitled" to it yet. You have to understand that that is in their culture. IMO, a little jealousy is OK, too much of it is not good (no drama, please!). If you cannot understand that part of their culture, you should not date a Latino.
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I am sorry, but that is a sweeping generalization! I don't believe "jealousy" is part of any culture. I don't know whether that is what you implied. I don't think Latino from say Argentina is necessarily similar to Latino from Nicaragua. Also given the situation he is in the right to feel that he is not "entitled" to it yet, irrespective of which culture he is from.
 
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