Your List of 'Requirements' in a Romantic Partners

TrulyMadlyAmanda

TrulyMadlyAmanda

Changui
...this follows on from the 'Categorization of Leaders and Followers' thread in Just Dance.

I shared mine...slightly off topic, sorry! So here's a space for all of us to share and discuss our own lists for fun. :cool:
 
TrulyMadlyAmanda said:
i think the opposite is actually true: sweet guys are in high demand, and so are always already in relationships. every really nice guy i know, is either married or in a relationship. there's only one exception: a really nice guy who is painfully shy to the point where he maybe talks to a new woman twice per year. and he has a two-inch p***s. and he still spends more time in relationships than out of them...if he wasnt too shy to get together with all the women who come on to him, he'd never be single.

on the supply and demand front, it's interesting to note that the majority of single working-class egyptian guys are very sweet indeed to women, since demand for women far, far outstrips supply (most working-class egyptian women are not open to having boyfriends, and will get married without ever having had one). the sweetest guys are the ones who end up with the few women willing to have boyfriends. once married, things are very different: guys who are naturally sweet stay that way and make lovely husbands. those who were putting it on to get a woman, revert to type.

the upper class (about 1,000 cairo families) which is very westerned, is more like the wider world in general...ie, women tend to care more about relationships than men do, so supply of potential girlfriends outstrips demand, so the men need to be less sweet (and generally are). guys who dance salsa are more in demand, so tend to be the biggest playas/a-h*les (though of course some are nice anyway).

agree absolutely! :cool: nice guys are defined by their behavour, not by their own perception of themselves. unfortunately, some guys are such complete a$$h*les that most men believe that simply not being a user/playa/abuser is enough to make them 'nice'. whereas probably 20% of guys are a-h*les in realtionships, 10% are really nice and the other 70% who think theyre nice are actually somewhere inbetween.

a nice/sweet guy:

  1. calls often, and definitely whenever he says he's going to
  2. remembers life events, major and minor (birthdays, interviews, doctor's appointments) and remembers to celebrate or show concern, depending
  3. happily demonstrates affection in public (i dont necessary mean major PDA, just hand-holding/hug/cheek kiss etc) and private, without always wanting it to lead to sex
  4. wants to make you happy enough to go that tiny bit out of his way (by sending flowers, forwarding you a link to an interesting article, buying your favourite chocolate bar when he gets his newspaper, tearing an article out of that newspaper for you, cleaning the kitchen floor when it's not his turn)
  5. supports you when bad stuff happens, rather than disappearing til the problem has
  6. is polite to your friends out of respect for you...he doesnt have to spend time with anyone he doesnt like, but would never be mean to anyone you care about
  7. expresses his anger without ever being mean or hurtful (for me, the key attribute of a nice guy is he never seeks to hurt you, even if he's hurting)
  8. enjoys spending time with you, but respects when you cant spend as much time with him as he would like
  9. considers your feelings and apologises when he gets it wrong
  10. if you live together, automatically takes responsibility for and does his share of any housework/chores/childcare - ie, half. he doesnt think he's doing you some sort of favour by 'helping' with the housework.

it always amazes me that more guys arent nice. it's really easy, not time-consuming and makes women so happy. and a happy woman = a sexually active and experimental woman = a happy man. ;) there's literally nothing sexier than a man with a vacuum cleaner, lol. :cool: note of warning: like azana's 'horny grandfather' doing something nice only in the hope of getting laid is not nice, just creepy...

there's nothing on the above list that the average woman in a relationship wouldnt be doing as a basic baseline, imho...

i wish i had £1 for every time a guy behaved badly, then tried to make up for it in some lame half-hearted way, and then went around whining about how "women only love b*stards". or hates you simply because he tried to go out with you, and you didnt want to. or stuff like, "i know you planned to go out with your friends tonight, but if you really loved me youd stay here with me" is pathetic/passive-aggressive, not nice at all.
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kbitten said:
are you at yours 20?? cause if youre waiting for that kind of mr sweet guy, I am sorry to tell you that *he* doesnt exist kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
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TrulyMadlyAmanda said:
im happy to tell you that that kind of guy does exist. :cool: i went out with one guy like that for almost 4 years, and lived with another one for 5 years. ive got quite a few male friends who fit that description too (though of course theyre mostly already in relationships).
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kbitten said:
he can do ONE of these things but not all above...

for guys to be like that they are ugly as hell//or bad in bed/ or gays kkkkk
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TrulyMadlyAmanda said:
i dont think any of the list of things is particularly hard work, or challenging. i do every single thing on that list in relationships...usually double that and more...and so do most of the women i know. in my experience, fewer men than women are 'nice/sweet' in relationships, but theyre certainly out there. but like i said before, they tend to be in a lot of demand, so are usually already in a relationship.

i dont care if a guy is ugly-looking - beauty comes from within. guys who are considerate and want to please you are rarely bad in bed. i cant see any reason why a guy cant be nice and be attracted to women. :confused:

if there's no nice guy out there for me, then i'll stay happily single - no biggie. :D
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wonderwoman said:
You're not wrong! lol I have a guy who fills all the typical nice guy requirements and is bad in bed and physically unfit.
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wildbill20056 said:
Ok on TMA's list I suck at:

2) But then I forget my own birthday, so people usually cut me slack >.<

10) In some ways. I'm good with cooking, washing up, making beds. However I can forget when it's the night the trash has to go out >.< I can also am a bit rubbish with dusting.

That said I'm not entirely hideous or gay. Further I am damn good in bed from all accounts (only get the one these days :P). I work out several times a week, and used to be on the national fencing squad.

Oh yeah I have fairly bizarre sense of humour, and I'm not immune to having my foot deep in my mouth, and I have a bad habit of staying up too late. Definitely not perfect.

That said I reckon I'm a decent sort.
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wonderwoman said:
This has spiralled in to categorization of male/female mates ;)
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olamalam said:
Come onnn that list is even short and easy to meet.
A guy can be cute, good in bed and straight, meet 10 requirements in the list. Plus can be a good cook, does good massage, knows good wine etc.

But many girls struggle satisfiying that kind of guy's list. So mostly girls think that there no such a guy, guys think that there is no such a girl.
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TrulyMadlyAmanda said:
new thread alert, lol! am off to start one right now in 'Salser@'s Anonymous'...suggest we continue this there. :cool:

i think most women would easily meet my list of requirements (oh how i wish i was gay, lol). however, i think most guy's list of requirements is very different to my list. why dont we hop over to the new thread and all post our individual requirement lists? maybe two people will end up as a match somehow... ;)
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so, what are your own personal lists of what makes a nice man/woman? or your lists of what your looking for in a partner (in my case, those are probably two slightly different lists).
 
olamalam said:
I have 12 items in my list. One for each month :tongue:

http://www.pirellical.com/thecal/home.page
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hmm. i seem to remember saying it was likely that our lists would be very different... :rolleyes:

in my experience, this seems to happen a lot - most men's lists have a lot more to do with physical requirements than most women's lists. of course, there are always shallow people of both genders... ;) :tongue:

my actual list for a romantic partner (rather than simply defining a 'nice guy') is:

1. sensual, with a high sex drive
2. loyal - there in a crisis or celebration with support...he's 'on my team' and vice versa
3. reliable - keeps his word
4. affectionate/loving, physically and emotionally
5. wants to make me happy and willing to go out of his way a little for me
6. considerate of my feelings, apologises if accidentally hurts me
7. expresses anger without ever being deliberately mean or hurtful.
8. does his share of any housework/chores, or pays a cleaner/PA to do his share
9. we agree on the 'right' amount of time to spend together...sometimes i need space, and he'll be cool with that
10. a good sense of humour, being intelligent, intellectual, having intellectual curiousity, being well-educated, a good dancer are all major pluses. as are being very tall (ideally around 6'2" to 6'4", and not too skinny), non-smoker, with good teeth and some hair. medium-sized *****, ideally not having gone under the knife. largish and smallish are fine, but very tiny or huge could become an issue over the long-term.

numbers 1 - 7 are non-negotiable, i need all of them in general though can forgive the odd minor slip. 8 - 9 are nice, but non-essential. the list of things at number 10 are just optional bonuses...i lived with a guy for 5 years who had almost the worst teeth ive ever seen, and smoked heavily for the first 3 years we were together. the best relationship i ever had was with a guy who wasnt well-educated or intellectual at all (though he was intelligent with a great sense of humour).

if im honest, i guess i'd struggle to be with someone miserable, who saw himself as at the mercy of life's events, rather than pro-actively shaping his own life. i'd be unhappy with someone who was constantly unhappy, unless i could make them happy - my default setting is 'cheerful' and i'd like the same.

[as an aside, my wish for a guy with hair isnt to do with looks, it's the physical pleasure of running your fingers through a guy's hair...which is impossible if he doesnt have any, lol].
 
General things :

- Has mature personal boundaries. She controls herself and doesn't try to control things outside. She doesn't have holes (that will let positive or negative energy just go in and out randomly) or walls (completely closed) but doors (she choses what to let in / out). She knows who she is and is assertive. Assertive means say what she wants / doesn't want / whatever in a cool and "just stating" way whenever. This defines the "shape" of her boundary.
- Can take a step back and watch herself (in real time) and adjust if needed.
- Knows how to manage her emotions. (outbursts : not good). Emotions are a very important part of life, they give us a message to action. Maturity is about neither letting them take over nor repressing them. It's about taking them for what they are and listening to the message they are giving to us.
- Comfortable with herself in general. This includes sex.
- Has a good balance of ethics/principles and "get to the result" experience in her decision making
- Is confident (kind of goes with comfortable eh?)
- Spreads some "well being" in herself and around her. She cares about people and does her best to make things go well, yet doesn't try to "make people do things" (this last part goes back to mature boundaries). She is detached from the result.
- Is positive, fun, playful
- Is physically attractive (VERY attractive is even better ^^)

Pretty cool eh ?
I actually had a girlfriend who was kind of like that a few years back, but unfortunately I wasn't mature enough at the time to handle the relationship so it didn't work out. Plus she took too much care of others and not enough of herself, and she had many "walls" to her personal boundary instead of "doors". She is a fantastic person nonetheless and we are still friends to this day. She is taking care of her issues through therapy and is now gradually becoming a very fulfilled person, which is fantastic.

Now to the specifics to me
- I want to share some preferences with her. Nothing specific I have a very wide spectrum of interests. Hers must intersect with mine. The only absolute requirement is this one : she likes talking about ideas and concepts
- Is not materialistic. She is more interested by people and ideas than objects
- She is adventurous and likes to try out new things
- I'd like her to be very social and outgoing because I'm kind of more reserved so it makes a good balance
- Is into some flavour of sport or physical activity. Salsa is good but not a requirement.


----
Hey women, what do you think about my "general stuff" section applied to a guy ?
- take out most of the "spreads well being" which is more feminine
- add lots of action and confidence

Wouldn't that be a super attractive guy ?

And aren't all the non-attractive guys the people have one or more of these things missing ? Taking Amanda's "miserable" example : no drive and/or lets life rule him instead of ruling his life = holes in his personal boundary (lets whatever is around go in and out) + low confidence (no action) + no ability to watch oneself and adapt (this is key to growth)


BTW only caring about physical attributes is just a lack of maturity IMHO. It's important to be attractive enough, but the real deciding factor once we've passed the "attractive enough" door for anyone even remotely mature is character.
And I know Olamalam was just joking :bouncy:

Cheers
 
The effect of physical attributes' expiry date is so short for me if she doesn't satify other items. (I don't have much time to write a long list here, previously I referred to my ex-gf that we've been together for 8 years. She is the image of a perfect partner for me.)

TMA forgot to write one item in her bonus section, being feminist. Am I right or wrong?

I'm looking forward to see Bill's list but I'm afraid he'll confirm TMA's list exactly :tongue:
(This is not trolling, is it?)
 
olamalam said:
Now you deserve a very dirty question but I won't do that.
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dirty i dont mind. ;) offensive or insulting i wont answer.

if your question was what i think it might have been... let's just say...someone...goes to the trouble of attaining a certain level of muscle control. in that case someone would want their partner to be physically adapted to experiencing the results.

say youre holding a banana in your hand. to successfully squeeze said banana it has to be large enough so you can properly feel it, but not so big that youre struggling to hold it, let alone squeeze it.

does that answer your question, lol? if your question is regarding what constitutes a tiny or huge banana... to me, tiny = narrower than my index finger, shorter than 2". huge = wider than my wrist, longer than 12". moderation in all things, lol.

tresto said:
Hey women, what do you think about my "general stuff" section applied to a guy ?
- take out most of the "spreads well being" which is more feminine
- add lots of action and confidence

Wouldn't that be a super attractive guy ?
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personally, i'd rather my guy spread well being than be active/confident. i want to be nutured and loved, whereas i see activity/confidence as being more 'outward-facing' traits. im a big softy at heart, so i look for that in others.

your list does sound like an attractive person, though. :cool:

olamalam said:
TMA forgot to write one item in her bonus section, being feminist. Am I right or wrong?

I'm looking forward to see Bill's list but I'm afraid he'll confirm TMA's list exactly :tongue:
(This is not trolling, is it?)
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half-right, lol. it really belongs in my 'essentials' list - well-spotted, lol. i also need to add not racist, homophobic, antisemitic, snobbish or any other type of bigot, thank you. by feminist, i dont mean he has to be political at all...but of course he has to view me as an equal, and let me be myself rather than 'feminine' by the stereotypical definition.

as it happens, i am pretty 'feminine' overall (caring, kind, emotional, a talker, like flowers and pink things, smell of perfume, wear make-up, etc), but like most individuals dont conform to the any gender stereotype completely. i can change a car engine (and most of the parts therein, and do some body/paintwork), plumb in a washing machine, change a plug, plaster a wall, decorate and build a bookcase or similar from scratch using power or traditional tools (took a carpentry course, lol). i dont want to be forced to sit in a corner sewing (though i can sew) whilst my lord and master spends a whole day trying to put up a shelf which later falls down. on the other hand, most men have more upper body strength than me, and im very happy to have my guy carry things around whilst i bat my eyelashes, fondle his bicep and tell him he's "so strong", lol.

i cant ever imagine being in a relationship where my partner made all the decisions?! :eek: equally, i'd hate to be in a relationship where i had to make all the decisions. :(

bill and i are clearly 'soul-mates', lol. except that i dont believe in soul-mates. and i already have one [i know, i know, oxymoron - and he is, lol. he has the potential to be my perfect guy, but has lost his way completely, and instead seems to delight in making me miserable. the soul-mate thing is clearly some unfortunate hangover from a past life and im trying (unsuccessfully so far) to just forget about it altogether].

trolling, olamalam, you...?! :eek: ;) :D
 
My question wouldn't be that but your answer gave me an idea of the boundaries of your genitals. Thanks.
 
olamalam said:
My question wouldn't be that but your answer gave me an idea of the boundaries of your genitals. Thanks.
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aha, here we are with the disrespectful... :rolleyes:

i was defining the size of men's genitals rather than women's. women's genitals are adaptable...they dont exactly come in 'one size', but near enough. the vast majority will fit a baby's head through them.

speaking of soul-mates, im sure there's a woman out there somewhere who considers "thinner than a woman's index finger, less than 2" long" to be 'huge'... ;) :tongue:
 
Tresto seems, to me, to be describing a good mother figure. In terms of emotional maturity, composure, warmth, caring, etc... Ideal mother qualities.

They are the qualities I try to cultivate every day now, because I can see that the reverse of these qualities is ruining all interpersonal interactions I ever get in to. I am happier when I possess and practice the qualities tresto defines, and only when I'm happy can I make someone else happy. I also don't want to be a mother until I have them down to unconscious habit. :)
 
I have decided that the only qualities I need from a mate that my current partner does not already possess can be taught. I think he needs to be taught.. by somebody, finally, for crying out loud! :) He's really basically perfect aaaand we're not getting any younger here.
 
It's all come down to one: She has to have a strong sense of empathy. This is after being in a very long marriage with someone who appears to have none. Empathy allows one to see and feel another person's point-of-view, and makes everything better, from house-cleaning to sex.
 
Flying Donkey said:
Call me shallow, but I like a womans boobs to be smaller than mine. Her butt can be the same size......
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sorry dude but i have to write this.
I like womans boobs to be same size with yours but her butt should be smaller :D

at least i spent my 1000th post with you. lucky you :tongue:
 
The wording confused me, are you saying you agree with his size preference, or you want them the same size as his? lol


I keep seeing people put at the top of their list whatever was lacking in their previous relationship. Why am I such an antagonist lol

I am dating someone now who is ok at salsa but I could take or leave dancing with him. I still have strong feelings for a dancer I've known for a year. We sparked because we shared a passion for salsa. I think my opening line was "I love your passion" and it was all over. People criticize those who date in their salsa scene, but think about it... passion sparks passion.
 
wonderwoman]Tresto seems said:
I have decided that the only qualities I need from a mate that my current partner does not already possess can be taught. I think he needs to be taught.. by somebody, finally, for crying out loud! :) He's really basically perfect aaaand we're not getting any younger here.
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Most things can be learned ! Beware of trying to "teach" ( = change ) him though. It must come from him, not from you. If he changes because of you (ie. to please you, not because HE wants to evolve in whatever way), you will actually lose respect for him because it would mean weak boundaries.

I find it fascinating that if women get the very thing they want / say they want in the "wrong way", they will actually be very unhappy about it because of what it means in the big picture. This is a complex yet mostly unconscious behaviour. What's more, it's completely logical and makes very much sense to me when seen from the proper perspective. A lot of the "trying to push around" that women do is really just to assess how strong and mature their partner / prospective partner actually is.

This is also why "bad boys" are attractive : they present the illusion of mature masculinity, and the unconscious part of women's psyche will respond to this illusion (men do the same except it's more about physical traits hiding how shallow some beautiful women can be).

Bad boys will usually present this : confidence combined with fake proper boundary function. They will usually have "walls" instead of "doors" in their boundary. It shapes it (very attractive) and presents the illusion that it's a door "just closed right now". It even can hide all the emotional problems and other stuff that they have. To this women respond and it's not a choice, just instinct.
(once again, men are the same. I see big boobs, I'll be drawn to them)

On the other side, "nice guys" (ie. pushovers) have lots of holes in their boundaries, combined with low confidence, which is an instant turn off. Someone who has shapeless character ? Baaah ! The "idea" of someone being nice is appealing, but what we call "nice" also involves quite a bit of repulsive flaws.

I believe that what women really want is the *combination* of these positive human qualities and mature masculinity (boundaries, confidence, ...), and that for some reason most of them don't consciously know it.

One part of maturity is to recognize these attractive elements for what they are and not be fooled by them if they are not the real thing. An evolved woman will certainly feel attraction for the bad boy, but she won't let it take over, she knows better, and an evolved man will still like to look at Pamela Anderson (I purposely chose her because she doesn't have mature character : she married Tommy Lee!) but will not pursue her.
 
wonderwoman said:
I have decided that the only qualities I need from a mate that my current partner does not already possess can be taught. He's really basically perfect aaaand we're not getting any younger here.
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yay! :D what's missing, and how are you planning to 'teach' him...?

sagitta said:
He can get a wig. :wink:
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[mental image of a steamy moment with a guy, and me suddenly left with a headless wig in my hands... :eek:]

wonderwoman said:
I keep seeing people put at the top of their list whatever was lacking in their previous relationship.

I am dating someone now who is ok at salsa but I could take or leave dancing with him. I still have strong feelings for a dancer I've known for a year.
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i think it's natural to 'bounce back' off whatever made you leave your last relationship...if youre hot, you long for a cold drink, if youve just been very sociable, you crave silence, etc. if a particular quality (or lack of) has been driving you crazy for a while, your tolerance for more of the same could be at an all-time low. i think every failed relationship brings us closer to a better one, in some way.

i tend to think salsa chemistry is just that - dance floor chemistry. it's easy to project qualities onto a dance partner that they dont have. if youre lucky, good dancing might translate into good sex, but it's no guarantee of good conversation, character, etc, etc... sometimes the dance floor chemistry exists because of unresolved sexual tension, so if you sleep together you might lose that dance floor passion anyway. ive deliberately not slept with hot dancers i was very attracted to, because of the danger of ruining the dance floor chemistry. you may question my priorities, but most hot dancers are playas....i'd likely be trading a few weeks of passion for what will hopefully be 10+ years of amazing dances.
 
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